Of course outwardly I didn’t know what I looked like. But apparently my face had dropped and I was paralysed on my left side.

But inwardly I just thought, What is every, what are they staring at? They frightened me the most.

So you felt disconnected from what was going on?

Absolutely. That was the out of body experience, yeah. Very disconnected.

But it was frightening as well because their reactions were frightening me. Yeah, definitely.

And how long did it take to, for you to get, to be able to communicate back again?

I was able to say when they want, you know, when they said to me, Do you want a drink? I was able to say you know, It’s a bit early for that. And that was minutes after the stroke. But I think I was so sort of like almost fight or flight, that’s when the adrenalin had kicked in, because I was frightened now. But mainly by their reactions than what was going on for me.

You know, I think that can be, you see people’s faces and, Stop dong that Clare, you’re frightening me. Well that was one of the worst things anyone could have said because it was doing what, I couldn’t say to her, Doing what?

And how has it affected you now, looking back? Is it something that you’re constantly aware of at the back of your mind or?

No.

No. Did it cause you any kind of moments of fear at the time? Were you worried about what was going to happen?

No, I don’t think so [laughs].

[laughs] Are you someone who doesn’t worry particularly about your health anyway?

No, I’ve just taken it as it comes.

Well I haven’t forgotten the time but I don’t view it with any dread. And indeed in many respects I thought it was very funny. I did then and telling you now I can’t help laughing for, to think what gobbledygook I was talking. Now what on earth was it? Enter your name and address. Bluhh, bluhh, bluhhh, bluhhh. I apparently live at [participants address but jumbled up]. And then, and then I try and collect it and I’m at Old Adabrays, [address] I mean, I
So it’s very jumbled?

I was crackers. Come on [laughs].

I wonder how much it owes to the personality of the person suffering and perhaps I’m, I seem to be treating it rather frivolously. I think so, because it does seem to me it was an interesting event. Quite funny to be strapped into the ambulance and suddenly find you’re talking English again. So you don’t worry about it. There’s, there’s no good it’s something that happens. Think of all the things that have happened in your life. You know, I’ve been married twice, Christ that was much worse actually

No, I don’t, no. I, no I get a, I nearly cried, not cried, watered, tears came to my eyes when we were talking about the, the two episodes seven or eight years ago because that was a, that, looking upon it, I was, it was a tearful experience from many points of view. It wasn’t, it wasn’t a happy experience but on the other hand it was, it could, we call it a useful experience because we now know what to avoid in the future.

You know, that is, this issue of mortality, it’s such a scary thing because it’s the thing we’re probably in greatest denial about. Because it’s not going to happen to us. And, you know, I mean this is a very odd thing, because I know it’s going to happen to me. And it, and I can’t really accept this fact, you know. I mean look, I’m 72 and I don’t really have a valid will, because it’s, I don’t need a will. This isn’t going to happen to me And, you know, not – you do have moments of mortality. Somebody else is driving the car and you look up and you realise that they’re in the wrong lane and there’s a truck coming at you, right? And you get this impression that all the blood has drained out of you, right? And this is gone in a second, right? And you’re shaking and you’re completely weak, you’re just devastated by this sudden… I think that is a sudden realisation that mortality is really there, you know. It happened to me recently. I was on holiday in India and we spent a lot of time on the roads. And if you want to get close to traffic mortality, do it in India on the roads [laughs]. And so, you know, and so suddenly I’m thinking about this kind of thing. You know, one tries not to think about it. That’s the essence of denial, if you don’t think about the consequences, and so you’re in denial. I don’t get a will. I’m in denial. I’m not going to die. I can’t face dying. I can’t understand dying. I don’t know how to handle dying. I mean, I just don’t want it to happen. There’s nothing I want to happen less. So I – bah. And suddenly somebody said to you, You’ve just had a stroke I mean, people die of strokes. They really do. And so suddenly you’re standing there thinking, Gee, I’ve just had this event, and they’re worried about a recurrence. And the likelihood of a recurrence is really high in the first 24 hours. I’ve discovered this. it’s about 3 o’clock in the afternoon now. I’m sitting on the bus on the way out there, I’m thinking to myself, What happened Yeah, it’s a peculiar, it’s, I think it could be really terrifying. But I’m in such, such successful denial that it doesn’t really frighten me.

I may say, this incident was the first time that I was faced with my own mortality. And I know that’s rather a clichéd phrase, but it’s true. I hadn’t – we all think about, okay, there will be an end – but this was an indicator that the end is there. it’s, it’s finite. You only have a particular span on the planet. And it was a tremendous wake-up call. Most of our destiny is in our own hands, and my destiny is in my hands in terms of getting fitter and keeping an eye on blood pressure. [coughs – excuse me]. So my fortune was that my TIA was a minor incident, but a very clear signal. If it had been the reverse, like a major incident, then I wouldn’t have recognised the signal because I would have been struggling. So I’m in this fortunate position of having a tremendous wake-up call, and it’s up to me to do something about it, with the help of all the medical professionals around.. So I’m in this fortunate position of having a tremendous wake-up call, and it’s up to me to do something about it, with the help of all the medical professionals around.

The immediate aftermath of this incident was that I felt, I lost confidence. I have to speak for my job, for my living. So the, the actual incident itself of losing the ability to speak was frightening in itself. And then the thought you’ve had a stroke, albeit it’s very tiny, it’s still a stroke. And then faced with the thought that there is now a greater risk of a major incident, a major stroke, caused me to lose confidence. It made me consider the sort of things that I do, the remote locations I work in. Simple physical acts, Should I climb a ladder to do some do-it-yourself Should I be driving And of course I couldn’t drive for a month. That was a, actually a very large lifestyle change, if you’re used to just sitting in a car and going. And being completely dependent, living in this tiny village, being completely dependent on cars, not being able to drive for a month was a big impact. And that was, that caused me to think about what would happen if there was a large incident. What faculty would I lose? What abilities would disappear? So part of the wake-up is doing everything you can to avoid that. That, all that combined to a drop in confidence, which I’ve rebuilt, I think I’ve rebuilt most of it. Because I take my blood pressure three times a day and I take five pills a day, I’m reminded constantly something has happened. But confidence comes back in conversation with the professionals and with the medical professionals. It comes back in conversation with friends and acquaintances who’ve had similar things. It comes back because another day’s gone past and nothing has happened. It comes back because the blood pressure readings are consistently low. So it’s returning, I think my confidence has returned almost to normal, but a slight drop.

The next day I was back to myself but very anxious and very concerned that , – that I was going to have another stroke. And that’s what really controlled me for about three or four weeks.

I was worried, I was concerned. I was worried but I got the night, I slept all right the next night and the next morning when I went to the doctor my hand was waving, I just couldn’t control my left hand or my arm at all.

But I could walk all right.

So what sort, what were your worries and concerns at that point would you say?

Well, afterwards, when I came back from the doctor and I was taking simvastatin I used to go to the supermarket, which is only two minutes away from here, in my head I was imagining in, having another stroke, all the time. Every day
So you were worrying that it could happen again?

Yes. And it was just, it was, was persistent that feeling that I was going to have another stroke. And I’m now seeing someone to help me relax, to have breathing exercises.

From the medical team.

So it’s precipitated a lot of anxiety?

Absolutely. I mean, silly anxieties. Everything, I was anxious about everything. You know [laughs] Everything.

I do get stressed over silly things, I do.

I see that in myself. But it’s very difficult, if someone says, Mum, why are you getting agitated, so, stay cool, stay cool And I get all edgy about every, every little thing. That’s
Do you think that’s been overall just your general personality? Or is it since your
Oh no, I,
No?

I wasn’t this person years ago. I would do anything. I would take, well I wouldn’t climb up a mountain [laughs] I wouldn’t do that, but as far as other things, on my own I would go anywhere, I’d go all over the country, different, abroad on my own, on the aeroplane on my own. It wouldn’t worry me in the least.

No. I would do any, anything and everything.

So that change has been around about the time when you’ve these illnesses? Or
Well maybe, maybe it was a slow build up but it’s become worse. I’ve become agitated and, you know and, I don’t know, it’s not nice. it’s not a nice feeling.

I think the, the worst side of having a stroke. I don’t, I don’t know – TIA is it does upset your emotions.

We’ve just, you’ve just seen it. And I get, and I think you know, my language is purely and simply a bit colourful it, as you said, it could very well be through frustration. I can’t get things done, things don’t go right and unfortunately I swear. As I said to, it’s much better than, I rather swear than [laughs] hit someone , which I’ve never
There’s lots of worse things, isn’t there?

Well, there is ..

Than just words.

.. right, all right, yeah, but, yeah, but words can be unpleasant as well at the wrong time.

Yeah.

But that, well, you know, you, your, one of the things your emotions are, you’ve just seen it. But there was a, I shall start again, I got, there’s one song, I think it’s Take That, I think it’s Take That group, came out about the time and I think the it’s sung by Gary Barlow, if I’ve got the right group Give Me Time.

And that used to set me off.

Emma I heard it on, she said, Can I have that CD for the car And she deleted that one. I don’t want you to start crying when you’re driving

One of the things yeah, in actual fact it comes to mind, one of the things that never happened, I never actually sat and talked to anybody, you know, any therapist or anything like that, you know, How do you feel, Richard You know, What, what’s your problem Well I, my emotions are shot to pieces You know. The little things make me cr. My emotions come out. When I get angry and frustrated, I swear. I’m not that sort of person

So you haven’t really had the opportunity to have any help with that?

No.

I’ve had to take, start taking antidepressants.

Oh right.

Because I wasn’t coming to terms with it, to be fair.

Yeah. And do you feel that’s kind of helping or is it something that you want to resist?

Certainly, yeah, it seems to be. My, my mood seems to be more even now. I’m, I was in a deep trough bit basically.

Saying I mean, in fact it, it’s changed me because when I, when it first happened to me I kept saying, Why me? I’m really fit. I’ve never hurt anybody in my life, why me And now I say, Well, why not me, why should it be somebody else

There was a time early on in this when in the morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d just lie in bed, and I just didn’t have the drive, I didn’t have the initiative to get out of bed. I would just lie there. I could lie there till 11 or 12 in the morning, just doing nothing. And of course this also drives depression, because I’m just lying in bed doing nothing. I thought, This is so depressing. Get up Oh, I can’t, o you know. And retirement is very bad for this because there is no real driver to do, to get up and go. And finally I just convinced myself. And morning, the morning comes, I swing my feet over the edge of the bed and I stare out the window and I get up, never mind, willy-nilly. And it works. it’s a mechanistic solution to this problem. I still have these black moments and black depressions. And maybe it’s the drugs and maybe it’s life and maybe it’s me[laughs].

Of course everybody seems to have a depression now. it’s kind of the fashion. But, so that was a point that it took me a while to realise. A lot of what I was feeling had nothing to do with anything but the fact that I was just simply recovering from having my neck cut open, the circulation to my brain shut down for a couple of hours, the whole thing cleaned out, the whole thing stitched back up together again, all of this trauma. You know, no wonder it takes you six or eight months to recover from that. You – I broke a couple of bones in my left foot recently. And it’s three months later and I, it’s still not fixed. And that’s a trivial injury. So, you know, six months after surgery is not much. Maybe one should try and avoid worrying. One should have less self-analysis, yeah.

I mean, sometimes I feel bad that Shirley does need to give me this care because I feel it impinges on her life and her lifestyle, but at the same time she says, Well that what I’m here for. I’m your wife. I’m here to care for you and if the same thing happenedyou would do the same And of course I would.

I do worry. I worry much more than I used to. I worry more than is good for me, but I don’t know how to stop that.

I, they did give me some antidepressants but they sent me into such a spin and such a horrible situation that I only took one [laughs]. I took, I took the one and that was enough.

What they just made you feel funny?

It made me, well, it was like I mean, like I imagined you would feel if you take an overdose of cannabis or something. Things were, I mean I say imagine..literally. things were going in and out. I felt worse. And I, that was it.

Right.

I mean, I was told by the doctor, by the nurse, by the pharmacist, to be, not to be worried because they wouldn’t work for at least seven, maybe twelve, maybe fourteen days.

I took one and within an hour I was in a terrible state.

So you just, you didn’t bother with those after that?

I didn’t bother with any more.

Anyway, came home and, I mean, it’s had a massive impact because I think for the first few weeks you’re scared it’s going to happen again and you’re scared to go anywhere. I was scared to drive. I was, I was scared to go anywhere on my own. You know, unless my husband was there. When my husband went to work I was, sit here thinking, Oh I, I’d better not do anything And then I thought, Well, this is ridiculous, you know. You’ve got to get on with the rest of your life. I was still suffering a lot of tiredness. I’m still not back at work. But, hey, at least I’m alive.

I’m inclined to be perhaps a realist, thinking that one man’s meat is another man’s poison, as it were [laughs]. Everybody has different opinions and I feel, you know, that when my time comes and the good Lord beckons, that will be it.

it’s just one of those things, it’s no good worrying about. It just sort of hastens things if you worry unnecessarily.

I think this is one of the biggest problems that we have, people do worry, very much so, when that only sort of complicates matters, makes matters much worse than they really are. I know when I went in to have my heart operation there was another chap in the ward. We went in sort of the afternoon prior to the day we were having the op, and this chap he was in there and he was terrified. And although I wasn’t particularly happy I tried to cheer him up, [laughs] sort of put his mind at rest, to a degree. And I think it helped him a bit. It probably helped me, really, because it took my mind off of what I was thinking

So with the TIA, do you sort of try to forget about it most of the time?

Yes.

Or is it always at the back of your mind?

No, I try to push it right to the back. As I say I’m more inclined to be thinking about my neighbour and how she’s progressing. She does live on her own. Although she’s got sort of family, they’re dispersed all over the country and they can’t always sort of get to her. But I think the family know, you know, that we’re here for her as well, my wife and I. And that helps them a little as well. I hope, anyway.

You know, I just feel if it happens again there’s, you know, not an awful lot I can do about it really. So you can’t keep on worrying about it. I think you go through periods, when it first happened you question everything. You know, Will I be safe doing this? Will I be safe doing that? Can I eat this? Can I eat that Until in the end I thought, Oh, sod it You know.

I really wanted to. I wanted to write about my experience just to offload, just for myself.

On my computer. But I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it, I should say, not couldn’t. I wouldn’t do it because I couldn’t go through it anymore. It was too difficult.

Hmm, so you really wanted to try and put it to the back of your mind rather than keep
Yeah.

going over it?

I suppose so, which you know, there was only so much, I mean, it’s been over a year now, there was only so much you could keep going round and round and round and round and not really get any further with it, you know.

But I did want to sort of like write about it and how my, my actual emotions at the time which were raw. Why did it happen to me? There’s the anger. And of course being a counsellor I’m quite lucky in a way because obviously you’re dealing with emotions anyway and it sort of like, it’s, it’s, if you could see it as sort of like the same as a bereavement because it’s a loss.

And that’s, and so of course I know the sort of like the anger and then the eventual closure of it all. I don’t, and I wouldn’t know, I wouldn’t say I’ve got to closure yet.

Is counselling something that you think might benefit people if they’ve had that kind of experience?

Definitely, yeah.

Yeah?

Definitely. Yeah.

In the sense of just being able to kind of go through it with somebody and think about how they feel about?

Yeah, to, to offload and say, you know, to say the things that you wouldn’t normally say to other people, like, This isn’t fair

Why me You know, you’ll always hear that, Why me You know. Why not? It’ll make you a stronger person at the end of it, you know.

Because I do sort of think, Well, I’m buggered if I’m going to let this beat me