She was born at quarter past eleven and I wasn’st able to go and see her until half past four. They wouldn’st let me off the ward because my blood pressure was still bad. when they eventually did let me off the ward, I had to go with a nurse, and my husband obviously, and I was only there for ten minutes. So that was a very, it was really difficult actually because I was still on quite a lot of medication. I was, my hormones were all over the place and I was very emotional. And then obviously, they sort of wheel you into special care which is, you know, quite a scary place the first time you go in there, when you don’st know what all the beeps are and what all the machines do and that sort of thing. And, you know, they sort of said, you know, This is your daughter. And it was really difficult to see her actually, because, because, you know, she had lots of things going into her, she had a mask on her face, so I couldn’st really see what she looked like. She her skin was very translucent so you could see, you know, the veins and that sort of thing, and obviously with the lungs being a problem area, it was obvious that it was really difficult for her breathing. And I think that, yes, that quite upset me at the time, and the fact that I could only stay for ten minutes as well, upset me quite a lot as well. And one of the other things that I sort of feel a bit cheated by is, because I was on a lot of medication I have very hazy recollection of that day. And I have to ask my husband.

Did you feel prepared for seeing him for the first time?

No, not at all no. My husband did take a video of him on the first day when I wasn’st mobile, and yeah it didn’st feel like that was my baby; it was like I was watching someone else’s YouTube video. And he didn’st look anything like me for a start but it was OK, it was OK. The nurses were very open to answering questions but I think you have to ask the questions before you get any education; no-one has the time to just stand there and talk to you about everything, and so you’re kind of again try not to be a nuisance and not get in anyone’s way but also visit your baby as much as possible. So, it was surreal, it was surreal. I felt a bond although probably not a regular bond and I felt sad whenever I was away from him but I also felt sad and guilty whenever I was with him as well.

So it was another couple of weeks?

Two, two after me, yes.

And was that a worrying time or?

Not really I don’st, I guess because he was well and every time we went in we could see that things were getting better. You know, he was off all his tubes quite quickly and then the monitoring that he was on, got less and less, you know, every time we went in. For me there wasn’st any reason to be worried, he was well, I knew it was just about getting him breastfed. So it wasn’st, I didn’st feel sort of worried for his health at that point. Really it was just the stress of going there and back I find. And, and yes, we tried really hard not to bring any of that in with us when we went to see him. We tried to always be really positive with him, and happy and, Hello. How are you. Have you had a good day? Been nice for the nurses. Blah blah blah. You know, keep it really light, so he didn’st feel any of our stress.

Because we noticed that around us a bit, you could tell the parents that were more stressed about the whole thing. Their babies tended to cry more and you could really sense that the babies were picking up what vibe their parents brought in. So we sort of tried to keep all our crap away basically. And be really positive for him. But yes, I wasn’st, I wasn’st worried about his health. He was doing good yes.

Well he wasn’st in a state to be brought home, so we needed to stay in there for that long. It also felt like it was difficult because whenever we wanted, you know, wanted to pick him up and give him a cuddle, he was always connected to with lots of wires or tubes, through feeding so you never felt like you could just sort of freely pick him up and sort of give him a cuddle or anything like that. So that wasn’st too pleasant. But at the same time, he was getting fantastic care and it felt like this was, almost like a nice rehearsal or warm up to bringing him home. So we were going in there every day, spending, you know, a good eight hours in hospital with him, doing his feeding, doing his nappy changes for those eight hours and then at the end of those eight hours, we would then sort of come home and eat, sleep, wake up the next morning, and then head back to the hospital, and so it was incredibly exhausting. Spending those eight hours in the hospital, but it gave us a chance to come home, and actually have a night’s before then heading back there so we were trying to think of whether that was good or bad or not, but so we managed to have plenty, you know, well not plenty, but you know a nice amount of sleep, as soon as my partner sort of came home with me. But the days at the hospital seemed to be really, really exhausting.

What was exhausting about them?

You never felt well, well not many of the seats were like comfortable, and you always felt like you were standing up, looking over him, sort of holding his hand or something similar, rather than just sort of sitting down in a nice sofa. And you also felt just like you were on the go a lot, so things that I find a lot easier now, obviously initially changing a nappy takes a long time. So the first time changing him as well. Trying to put his little arms through little sleeves in some clothes. That was just, takes a long time to do.

I went up to see her in the wheelchair and I was ill, I was really ill. I shouldn’st have been there. I just kept thinking, ‘I’ve got to see her in case she dies. I just want to see my baby. So I’d seen her and they said, “You can’t hold her but you can cup her.” So, I pushed the wheelchair in and I just sat with my hands on her head and her little bum, and I was there for about half an hour, and I was so ill. They took me back down and I just remember thinking, ‘I have to get out of intensive care,’ because once you’re on the ward you can come and go as you please, but intensive care they obviously don’st like you just get up and go up the stairs. And so I went to see the nurse and she said, “We’ll see how you are tomorrow.” So, I rested all day and my mum came in and my other daughter came in and I tried to warn them what they were going upstairs to see because they’re so small you just nothing can prepare you for that. You can see as many pictures and you can read as many books as you like, but nothing prepares you for a baby that size.

So, I the nurse said, “Come on,” the next morning, “we’ll get you showered.” So, I went and showered and I fainted. It’s just so hot the showers are so small; it’s an old hospital and I fainted, and I said to her, “Look it’s the heat.” My kidneys still obviously weren’t working and I was still overheating all the time. But she spoke up for me with the doctor and said, “Look, you know she really wants to go upstairs.” So they put me upstairs, and the nurses, they’d kept my room for me. So I was still outside the nurse’s station, and it was good because when you’re up there you can come and go as you please, and they helped me express milk for her and obviously my body wasn’st ready for that, I was only 27 weeks pregnant; I was ill; it was a shock.

And, but then Michael was fabulous, amazing. And he said to me, You know, I think having a kid, like, its like a barbecue, everyone has an opinion on how to cook a barbecue, you know. But pretty much, most of the time, everyone can cook a sausage, even if someone said, do it like this or do it like that. And I was like he’s so right, it is. Because you could hear all the nurses on the neonatal unit saying to each, even they didn’st agree on the right way to do things, and so we were there sort of feeling all thumbs, because we’sd never changed a nappy before and every nurse told us a different way to do it and all the rest of it. And, and that to me was stressful, because I felt like I was doing it wrong, you know, and that sort of thing, and when Michael said that, I went, You know, you’sre totally right actually, there’s no perfect way to change a nappy. Get over it. Just do it. Don’st worry about it. So that was really good. That made me feel a lot better actually and made those, the rest of those, you know, we had another two weeks of going to the unit every day to see him, while waiting for him to be ready to come home. So that made that much easier [laughs]. The barbecue.

There are a few things that’s done not very well. Maybe because they’re familiar with me, there’s a few nurses who did say to me I would say they were very busy. They’d say to me, “Right, you’re a mum, you’re not a nurse, you stay where you are.” So that I didn’st appreciate that because I think I don’st know if they were expecting me to do the suctioning with this baby. Well, I wanted to suction my baby. I was asking because I could see that my baby was quite frothy and I was asking, “Oh do you mind suctioning my baby,” but she was so busy with a different baby, and I’d say, “Can I do it?” and she just said, “You’re a mum, stay where you are, I’ll” in that sort of tone.

Yeah, so there is that I can see now from a parent’s perspective of that there’s a boundary. You can’t just touch your baby whenever you want to; it’s sort of you have to ask permission, and you can’t just come and visit your baby whenever you want to. I mean we are parents can come any time but there are still that because the ward is on the second floor, the neo-natal unit is on the ground floor it’s a long walk if I have if I ask for a porter for a wheelchair it takes a while for them to arrive and I’m thinking, you know I’d rather I can do it now. So, there’s the hindrances; there’s and then when you get there there’s a boundary. They say, “Well I’ve just changed your baby’s nappy so baby’s just fallen, just you know asleep so let’s not disturb the baby,” and things like that. Which now in my present professional care that changed me a lot.

With it took probably about a week and I think more so because I was like, ‘Ooh what you doing now, what you doing now, what you doing now?’ thatthen they were like, “Well you could do this.” Because it was like changing a nappy. I watched them change so many nappies that I could have done.

And by the end, you know I was giving him because they thought he had MRSA which he later on turned out not to, he had to have this special wash every day, so I used to have to strip him off get him out of the incubator but I’d have to get him undressed in the incubator. Put him in, get him properly washed with this like thick like soap and then dry him out, put all his tubes back on and things like that. So, that made me feel more like in control and yeah. And they would often when they accepted handover though, they would say, “Oh well she’s a midwife so she knows what she’s doing,” so that was quite nice that they did let me kind of loose, but I don’st know that every mother gets to do that.

Although it goes against the grain I know, is a bit less worry and emphasis on the issue of breastfeeding, and a bit more on, you know the issues of holding the baby and so on. I think because, as itas I’ve discovered, as [son’s name] got older, I think there are things that he’s very much missed out on in terms of well in terms of the bonding. He’s got some even though he’s fine now; he’s got some issues with sensory processing and as I understand it I think that could be really could be something to do with those first few weeks of his life where, even though I spent every day with him on the neo-natal unit, he was you know I didn’st spend the nights with him. I was very anxious about holding him because he was so small and attached to a lot of stuff. And and in terms of breastfeeding it’s a very difficult thing to do when you have a very tiny baby.

Oh kangaroo care is the skin to skin. So, usually when they’re in neo-natal and they’re in intensive care they’re just usually in a nappy. And then they encourage you to take if you don’st feel comfortable but they encourage you to like put the baby down your top justeven for a full term baby skin to skin it’s the very first thing they try to encourage, so they try to encourage it as much as they can, and they just seem to settle. They’re meant to still be inside you so you’re the only person they really know, then all of a sudden they’re taken out their comfort zone; they’re not with mum; they’re put in this incubator OK it warms them up but it’s not really stimulating of their mum so when they’re on you they just they just seem to relax.

Mm mm. And did you feel that was very important for your bonding?

Yeah definitely. It’s hard for it to bond through I don’st know it’s just when you’re on your clothes and you’re cuddling her you just don’st seem to be close to her, but with kangaroo care then they’re on you; you can feel them breathing; you can smell them and then they give you mirrors as well, which when they first handed me a mirror like a little compact mirror I was like, ‘What’s that all about?’ But like you can’t see their face; they’re down here on you and then you hold the mirror and you get to actually to see them on you and that really helps because you can see to see how settled they are because when you’re not holding them down they’re quite fidgety; they’re trying to get comfortable, whereas when you’sve gotthey’re on you they just seem to relax, just like fall asleep on you.

Basically she had to be feeding on the demand, she yes, so feeding on demand, I think it was over four pounds in weight, she was four pounds four when she came home. And obviously sort of pooing and weeing okay. And completely off any of the machines that she had to help her breath. We were lucky she was never ventilated. I do know some parents of premature babies who have brought their children home on oxygen. We didn’st have to worry about any of that. So it was really kind of growth and like I said being about to feed on demand, and pooing and weeing, and you know, breathing okay.