The other thing I would just say about funeral directors is that I rang several funeral directors and was very much guided by my gut reaction to how they responded on the phone and there were one or two that I just would not have anything to do with. Just because of the way the reception person spoke to me on the phone. And I think that’s as good a reason as any not to choose one and to go for whoever is, is chosen. Because in amongst all this, this, shock and, and horror, comfort is, is grasped, bizarre though it, it is, in choosing things that, that one thinks that one’s loved one would like or would approve of, or would be, would, would find acceptable, or would choose.

So what put you off some other funeral directors? The, the way the receptionist

Yes just

their choice of words? Or

Their, yes, their, their brusqueness, their coldness, their, yes their choice of words. That although one knows as an adult that, that death is an everyday occurrence, it is not to the individual who is having to, having to arrange the funeral of a loved one and it should never, ever, that message should never, ever be given to a bereaved person, that this is, this is a matter of, um] officialdom, it’s run of the mill, and there’s almost a ‘next please’ mentality about it. And that should never, ever happen.

So I did avoid those people that gave me those messages. And there is some comfort drawn, as I say, from, from choosing things, choosing flowers, choosing arrangements, choosing what should happen on that dreadful day.

And subsequently just on that subject, when my son was brought from the hospital to the place where he last lived, which was somewhere, that although it is 25 miles away from where I live, was the place that I decided was the place he would be buried because he had, we had lived there when he was a child. He had lots of friends there. It was his last address where he lived. And I felt there were so many connections for him in that place.

That it was the appropriate place for him. And although I would have liked him to have been nearer me, the place I lived didn’t mean anything to him. So I felt it was appropriate he should be in, in this other place.

So when Matthew was brought, and again that was another thing, why couldn’t we bring him?

I mean, I know that practically it’s not easy but we weren’t even invited to go along to collect Matthew, by the funeral director. It just struck me that I was told by the funeral, funeral director, We will be going to collect your son this afternoon. And it was as if somebody, well it was just as if somebody else was responsible for my child and it was nothing to do with me. And that jarred, that jarred with me as well.

He [the funeral director] was marvelous and compassionate. The Military chose him at, it was when they came to see us and they saw funeral directors round the corner and they asked if we had any preferences, and we said, N, because they sorted everything out, and he was a very, very good, very sensitive, because he had to drive a long way to collect our son, and he informed us of every move that was being made. And when he was brought back to our city, a family friend asked if they could see our son, and he [the funeral director] did advise him not to, because after this length of time, obviously it probably wasn’t wise, and yes he was very sensitive, and since then he has actually donated a memorial book to SAMM. [Support after Murder and Manslaughter], for our memorial service, to have
Oh that’s nice.

omething written in every year and that was from the funeral director that we had. But I just visited him to ask him if he knew where we could get a large memorial book, and he said, I’d like to donate that

And as a result of the post mortem activities, the face tends to have the appearance of bruising, which I wasn’t really prepared for until I saw her. So I asked the undertaker to put a wee bit more make up on her, and I figured you know cover what appeared to be bruises, then we’d be able to have the open coffin. So she was lying in her bedroom and then when it came for the time for the funeral, the undertaker arrived and we placed a few of her wee favourite nick nacks, her favourite CD, stuff like that in the coffin. And then they put the lid on the coffin and took it out to the hearse and we walked behind it.

What does the funeral director have to do exactly? In case somebody’s thinking, you know, what is a good funeral director? How did you? Why did you say he’s so good?

Well I think he’s good because I think, he was just, he said, You have to understand because every, everyone’s different on a, on a death of someone that dies, and so you have to get, try and get to know the person they leave, pretty quick, to work out what’s the right things but again he was on the phone, just saying, don’t worry about anything. don’t worry, just get on with your life I’ll ring you whenever I need anything He just rung me at every step of the way really, saying obviously things that I didn’t think about then is, your coffin. And then, What colour do you want the inside of the coffin Oh, I don’t know what colour o, I went along there and he’s got all his silks out, and he’s just, he was just fine, he was not pushy with anything, he just said, You know, just take your time, and don’t worry about anything, I’ll sort this out, I’ll sort that out And he done all that he could really, that was capable for his doing, but he just said, You know your Mum’s safe, she’s here, we’re looking after her I don’t know, he was just, I just think that they were all really good people. The funeral directors.

And then what else did the funeral director have to do? Did he come here on the day of the funeral? Or did you meet there, did you go down there?

Yes we went up there, yes the day of the funeral, and again there’s a lot of respect there, when they pulled out, they walked for half a mile in front of the funeral car, which, which I thought was really nice, you know everything stopped, and just half a mile, that was all, and then we all got in our cars and which I thought was really nice, but we met him up there, and then he came and had a drink with us afterwards as well, at the wake, it was just all the way through, they just seemed, the support really.

And did they dress him in any particular way [for his funeral], or did you have a chance to dress him as you wanted him?

Yes, yes. I don’t, I don’t know what day it was, I was obviously given the clothes that he was obviously brought home in, and I was asked, did I want them? Obviously I was told that they were, there was a lot of blood, and they obviously had to be cut off, they could get rid of them, there wouldn’t be a problem, they would get rid of them for me, or did I want them? And I chose I wanted them. And so they were all wrapped up, neatly, and put in a bag for me, and the clothes I took in were the clothes that, his Arsenal shirt because he was a keen Arsenal supporter, and I put the clothes in that I know he wanted to be, to be dressed in.

And so did the people at the funeral parlour dress him for you?

Yes, they dressed him.

Were they, were they helpful?

Very helpful. Very very helpful. They, and they took some cuttings of his hair for me, they were very, very helpful, for all his friends that went up there, because there was lots of items that went in the coffin, including cider and keys to the local pub that he always drank in. They went in there, and there was lots of things went in there. Yeah, lots of gifts went in with him.

So the role of the funeral director, or the people who worked there is quite important isn’t it?

Yes.

How would you sum up what makes a good funeral director or, the person that runs the funeral parlour?

ell obviously we could, very caring people and very genuine people with a job that I would wish not to do.

But you, you felt that they would always, even you might be thinking things, I think they sometimes knew what you’d be thinking, would answer your question before you asked the question. You know they, like the hair for instance. I would probably wouldn’t have thought about even that, but they asked me, Would you like you know, and that’s something I wouldn’t have probably, you know I wouldn’t have even have dreamt of, wouldn’t have gone through my head at the time. I might have thought of it afterwards.

They said, Would you like a lock of his hair

Yes. Yes.

That’s a nice idea.

Yes, and how many did I like, how many did I want. You know because I got, I got several. And they were just really, really helpful.

I think funeral directors should always tell families that they have the right to do things themselves, and actually want to support them to do as much as possible for themselves. But of course funeral directors, unless they’re green funeral directors and influenced by The Natural Death Centre, will have a great interest to do as much, to earn as much money as possible, but I feel that’s grossly unfair and, you know, we don’t live in Victorian times and to most people Victorian outfit, Victorian attitude, well the interpretation of it, the somber talking and this ugly outfits and everything so, it doesn’t appeal. It shouldn’t be the rule of things and people should know what choices they have.