Well I’ve got two daughters and they’re both very different personalities, just like we all are. So one can take things much better, can let things sort of wash over her head more, and the other one is very emotional, sort of -in a drama queen sort of, so that’s been very draining as well. And to try and explain to two teenage girls that somebody that they really looked up to, that was really strong, that used to go on long walks in the countryside and that, is now literally a shivering wreck in the corner, they cannot understand it. We struggle to understand it as adults, so children, it’s really, really scary. And I’ve just tried to explain, you know, that he’s poorly in his mind as well, and it’s, so he can’t think properly. Like, when we wake up we think, -although we don’t realise it, we actually think, ‘All right I’ll get up or, I need to go to the toilet, I’ll brush my teeth, oh I think I’ll wear this red dress today or, oh yes must get some milk before I get out’, but when you can’t think properly, it’s all a juggle so you can’t put anything together. So you can’t even get out the bed or think to get dressed or, the next stage of, so, -but I would say they’ve been hurt a lot by words that have been said because they don’t understand the irrational thinking.

Let me see, what I can tell you is from what I have done. I have one older son. He went to London to study and when they were younger children and went to school, my wife was in hospital and I would come from work and go to school to pick up the children. Sometimes, I would be too late, my boy would cry, then I would be unhappy thinking what is going to happen to the children, what are we going to do? Wife’s health was not too good. Financially, I was not strong so I could stop my work right away. I did not know about whether I would get benefits or not. Inside, I would be upset and unhappy (confused) how are we going to do things? Like pay the mortgage. My wife’s health was getting worse.

At that time what did you feel?

At that time, I did not think too deeply otherwise, thinking about the house, thinking (worried) about money. At the time I had bought a house, about two years. There was lot of confusion did not know what to do- no solutions, what can I say, felt stressed.

Is it different now?

The children are older now and the wife’s illness has been long now so I know what to do and what not to do, so things are falling into place now slowly.

I will give you my own example, when my daughter was at university. When my Mrs health was bad, my daughter went to college/university in Wolverhampton. She had to come back home at the weekends because my wife’s health was so bad, sometimes in the evenings she had to come back from college. This was because she was the only woman and as a daughter she could understand her mother. So for her it was stressful with her education and she got behind. That was when support was needed but there was no support at that time here.

For the family?

For the family, for the children. My daughter was older, but if the children are in secondary and primary school, it is very stressful for them. I was at work, my children were at school and had to come home and have to do things.

What other ways did they have difficulties, your family?

In terms of difficulties; eating and drinking, because when they come from school they needed to eat. When my Mrs health was bad, there would be no food made. Her mind was such that she could not do any work only sleep. So when the children came home, their clothes were not organised to go to school. Because of depression from the beginning we had to do things from an early stage. So there were a lot of problems when they were small. As the children got older, slowly we got to know and things fell into place. But in the beginning there were a lot of problems.

Actually I’m from a polygamous family from Nigeria, my father married four wives, my mother is the first in that family and she gave birth to three children, that is of my mother. So we are the first in the family, my senior brother, myself and my younger brother. So it’s happened that in Africa all the first born they are the people that take all the mental health. All talking about mental health -it just doesn’t come just like that. Most of the families in Africa because they are polygamous in nature there is bound to be jealousy by, fighting, struggling for your inheritance.

So it was -so my mother spent money, my mother spent all our resources trying to make sure that boy becomes a better person of society. My father was not do, -he was, he was not too bothered because he had other children to fall back at, he has 14 children, then my mother has just three, you know, so it was a very painful experience. They left us and just my mother, you know, to take care of my brother.

Yeah, oh definitely, because when you’re a carer you get tied down, right, with the person you care for, then it’s not easy for you to go and visit your friends. Now however much you may speak to people on the telephone, if you want to develop a friendship, a personal presence is necessary, right. So, yeah, this happens, because they can’t go and visit their friends and everybody, and afterwards you lose the friendships, and that sort of a business. And they might ring you and say, ‘When am I seeing you’, they say, ‘Oh I don’t care for this, -it’s not convenient’, and then they lose friendship, it is a fact of life. But in my case I make an effort, and I try to, right, I say, -what do you call- change the equation, I tell my friends, ‘Look I’m a carer’, so I sometimes tell, -all my friends know that I can’t make advance arrangements. I have a friend nearby, I phoned him up last week, and then I told him, ‘Oh I might come and see you, what sort of a notice do you need’, he said, ‘Oh tell me the previous evening. So Friday I went, ‘Definitely I’ll come’ then he said, ‘Oh, I’ll pick you up from the station’, so like that. But if someone said to me, ‘Oh, let us know in a, one fortnight in advance’ and this, that and the other, then say suddenly the doctor will phone up, and say ‘I want to come and see her. Or that particular day, sometimes you get this sort of a carer, -a morning, a new one will come up, and then she won’t know where things are, then I know Trouble, and that sort of a business. So it’s a bit, unless you’re a bit flexible, and if you tell people once again this is your situation, they say, ‘I’ll come and see you. Then my friend said, ‘Why don’t you stay tonight,’ I said, ‘No because of my mum I can’t stay. And I stayed as long as I can, and they said to me, ‘Yeah whenever you feel like give us a ring.

Do you feel you know why you have had a difficult experience?

I do not have a life, no social life of my own. I bring her to the centre at the moment. I cannot leave her at a daycentre on her own because they will not accept her. I can only leave her at home if there is someone with her. I do not have a social life, it’s a 24 hour job. I have come now but my son is at home and will go to work at 1.30 pm then its alright, but if he had gone to work then I would have had to bring her with me.

No, I cannot see anything good for me at all but I cannot say it in front of her. I know it inside. My children know it that dad does not have a life. My children last week, took me to see Liverpool play a match. I had to keep my Mrs at my brother’s for one night. They say to me daddy get out, have a holiday, go and do this and that they say, but I do not feel like doing anything.

Why not?

If I go and if something happens to her, then I will have to do the running around. Its better then to keep things as they are instead of having to run around if I keep her at someone’s else house. If something happens to her health it will be me doing the running around. So from inside I do not feel like going.

In that I had never really sat at home, as a man. And sitting at home, not able to do much in the house. Watching T.V and sitting all day at home talking-the quarrels started to increase between two people. She was in depression and I did not know the reason that she was the way she is because of depression. I used to feel she is not working in the home and she wants (needs) to go out. And having left work, it takes time to settle things financially and so we rowed much during this time.

So the women are better at keeping in touch and wanting, -they understand there is no fun here really but they understand the situation and they don’t mind coming and they know that I benefit from it, because I like the company and I like the stimulation. And maybe Larry benefits from it as well. If his friends came and spent even an hour with him, maybe sitting near him, you know, and, I’m sure it would be quite nice for him. There is one, one man who lives in Liverpool and he always comes when he comes down from Liverpool, and he always comes to see him. But men are not, haven’t been very good actually. And when I say that we knew a lot of people, we knew a really lot of people. I mean, Larry used to talk to everybody, you know, and made friends quite easily, so we knew a lot of people. But since he’s been unwell we haven’t seen not even half of them. Not even ten percent. I should imagine two percent maybe. Yeah. Which is sad. Yes, that’s sad. But it’s quite common I should imagine, you know.