Fiona
Fiona’s 28 year old son has a long history of self-harm, which started when he was 9 after sexual abuse by his father. Fiona supported him through problems with drugs and alcohol and was relieved when he recently said he no longer wanted to die, though she is constantly vigilant.
Fiona’s youngest son had a troubled childhood. He was seen by the psychiatric service for anger issues and was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. At the age of nine he cut his thighs with a knife and told his mother that this was a way to show people how much he was hurting inside. Fiona then discovered that her husband had been sexually abusing her children. He was sent to prison and Fiona struggled to cope with large debts and three young children. The family were referred to psychiatric services but the children soon refused to attend and Fiona felt she was being accused of non-co-operation because she was suspected of having known about the abuse. Her 12 year old daughter took an overdose because she felt responsible for the breakup of the family after she had disclosed the sexual abuse. Fiona did not seek treatment for either of these self-harm episodes because she was frightened that her children would be taken into care.
Fiona’s son became involved with local drug dealers when he was eleven, and got into trouble with the police. He was expelled from school and became addicted to drugs and alcohol. He took several serious overdoses and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He has also threatened to jump off high buildings, and recently stole Fiona’s car, intending to drive off a cliff. Fiona herself was treated for depression. She continued to support her son through various rehabs but she says that as soon as things start going well for him he can’t handle it and takes a massive overdose. He had gone to Australia where he had a small daughter and a good job, but on three occasions Fiona had to fly there when he was in danger of dying from drug overdoses. The Salvation Army helped him return to the UK, where he spent two years in a Christian community for addicts, which Fiona says has helped him recover.
The effect of her son’s suicide attempts has been devastating emotionally. Fiona has also suffered financially through supporting her son. Although her workplace was supportive at first, she is anxious that her new job may be threatened if she has to take a lot of time off. Sometimes she wishes that her son would succeed in killing himself because then all the stress would be over, but immediately feels guilty for thinking that. She herself has felt so emotionally drained that she has had thoughts about ending her life, but tells herself Stop having your pity party. Sort yourself out.’ She feels she has to keep up a brave face to the world, and is thankful for her sense of humour. Fiona’s other children have cut off communication with their brother because they are angry about the trouble he has caused their mother. She thinks this is partly a protective mechanism so that if he dies they won’t be so affected. She told her ex-husband about her son’s suicide attempts and his response was to blame her for being an emotional wreck.’
Fiona’s family live abroad and are not supportive of her, suggesting that she cut her son off. She is reluctant to talk about her problems with many people, but does have some friends who understand and are supportive. Sometimes she feels very isolated and would like to be in contact with other parents who have had similar experiences. She is a Christian and has found her faith a source of strength.
Fiona’s original GP was helpful, as she was involved at the time of the sexual abuse and understood the situation, but she has now retired and Fiona feels that her current doctors think she is attention seeking and blame the menopause or just offer to increase her antidepressants. She felt unsupported by the clinicians treating her son, who stressed the importance of confidentiality and did not give her advice, in contrast with the Australian doctors who talked to her about her son’s condition.
Fiona tries to understand the reasons for her son’s behaviour he idealised his father and finds it very difficult to come to terms with his abuse. As a male, it is difficult for him to talk to his friends and he feels a failure as a man because he can’t handle his problems. She says he feels guilty for the trauma he has caused her and wants to escape from the mess his mind is in. She is comforted that her son knows she loves him unconditionally and has told her that this has kept him going. She is relieved that he seems to have changed recently and has told her that he no longer wants to die, though she is constantly vigilant and still feels anxious when the phone rings in case there is bad news.
Fiona advises other parents to get support where they can, from a good GP or professional body. She says just keep telling your child you love them, and realise that there will be all sorts of emotions, including guilt and anger. It’s hard to talk to people because you feel a failure, but you are not alone, and it’s not your fault’. She advises clinicians to be more open, and not to jump in and judge. They should let people know it’s safe to talk, and really listen to what is said rather than ticking boxes. Both parents and clinicians should listen to the child and see them as a person, not as a problem.