Yes. As I was desperate, I had to hold on to my job. Money was no object, what is the point, good health is wealth. So I decided to go on the alternative therapy route. I tried acupuncture, homeopathy, herbal, you name it, Chinese medicine, Qi Gong, and you name it. My being an accountant, I suddenly got a bit wise, because what I found was these people were lightening my wallet. You know, they were making exorbitant claims but nothing was happening. I didn’t even notice any difference, after the few sessions. So then I used to go along to one of these guys and say, say if I decide to go to a herbalist or something. ‘Look I’ve got this illness, now how many sessions, what’s your fee? And after so many,’ said, ‘Would I get well?’ Then, then of course then they were a bit cautious, right, so when I spoke such to them, then they would caution and then one an acupuncturist guy, he said, ‘Oh three months you have got to go one of my’ fifty quid a time. Then I said, ‘In three months time it leaves. And so I found a lot of these alternative people make exorbitant claims, they lighten your wallet, and that’s it. I have no faith in them.

Oh yes, praying helps in a sense, that it’s not bottling things up, right, you just pray, and God is not going to argue and contradict you. And you can pray any time, you give up your load like problems aired is problem shared and the famous hymn, ‘What a friend we have in Jesus, all our griefs and sins to bear. But what would help really is praying and meditating, if you pray, and if you meditate on some scripture verses. He cares for you. You know. He knows your’ he has great plans for you. So like that. ‘Yea though I walk through the Valley of Shadow of Death, I will be with you. So a person can pray and get a Bible verse and meditate, that will be a great help. Meditation’s a great help.

Do you use meditation?

I do meditate because being an Asian, that’s the culture. It naturally come. So I meditate.

What kind of, so do you use verse or ‘?

A Christian meditation, you know. Like for example, now I do some preaching in the church to, I used to, but now with all this gone. So when I used to do preaching, what I used to do is that the previous night before I go to bed, I read a passage, the scriptures. And the next morning, when I am driving to Newcastle-on-Tyne, right five hour drive I will be meditating and thinking about it, so thoughts will come in, and then when I get off at Newcastle, I’ll just note the, jot the points down. On the, my return I will refine it. Sermon’s done.

Does the meditation help when you are feeling depressed?

Oh yes, it helps. At least it takes you mind off. This is the thing with meditation. Even when you are not depressed, if you’ve got bad thoughts. Or if you have got some sort of problem and you are worried about it. When you meditate, you can switch off, you think about something pleasant or something like that and then that will lessen the pain, and if you go on, then suddenly you forget, why, why was I, why was I worried about things. So I always recommend people to sit down and meditate and you can meditate anywhere, any time, any situation. You don’t need somebody else to hold your hand.

So have you ever been in hospital. Had to go into hospital for your’?

The only time is when I took the first overdose, they took me and they kept there.

But was that just a regular hospital or was it a mental health hospital?

No. It, it was a mental health hospital.

Okay

Yes, yes.

And what was that like for you?

Oh a horrible place. Previously I’ve asked the psychiatrist when I used to feel bad like this, can’t fend for myself, ‘Oh please doctor, why don’t you stick me in the hospital? Then at least I will get a plate of food, and rest. He said, ‘No, no, Anton, they’re horrible places. You wouldn’t fit in there. I didn’t believe it, but when I ended up for two days. Oh, oh, such horrible places. Firstly, no one told me where the toilet is, where the tea machine is. Where this, that and the other. Then there are other patients who want to pick a fight with you The staff. I think they have lost all humanity. They talked to you in a regimented way. That’s the thing. And then you are in a locked ward. And then at certain times you get your food. Say at 5 you will get a dinner and you will get a cup of tea, then you can’t go and have another cup, you will wait until the next morning. And then trying to phone up the outside world, unless you have got a mobile, Plus, the place was dirty, filthy, You are there, there’s no library to read. They had one television. Even that you don’t have use the use of the knobs. They’ll put it on, if you like it, you like it, that sort of a business, and then what do you do the whole day? You’re like a zombie there. There’s nothing to do. So that was driving me mad. So then I wasn’t keen, I came back. Otherwise I would have got sectioned, if you got sectioned, next time when you feel ill, then they will come and take you.

Ah yes. It’s not just the family. You see when I got this illness I couldn’t fend for myself, and then obviously it turned my siblings, and didn’t understand however much I may tell them, and sometimes get annoyed, some days they would say, ‘Well how do you feel?’ You know, I would tell them.

Then as I take an active part in the church, I went to one of the higher ups in the church, I said, ‘Look my situation is very precarious. Although I’m not that old, can you give me a bed in the home for the aged? Then when I’ve got the depression I can lie there, I’ll get a plate of food, then when I’m back to normal I could help you in the accounts. Even the church turned me down. ‘Sorry can’t help you. So when I thought I couldn’t fend for myself, my family couldn’t help, even when I had some good friends, I thought that they might lend a hand, you know, and then the church said they can’t and I thought, ‘Look what is this?’ So that is the thing which prompted me to do suicide. Commit suicide. Now if somebody would have a lent a hand, a lot of caring then I may not have. But I think this is why a lot of people even ask for euthanasia, because they feel there’s nobody, they might as well go. Yes.

So what do you think, your family’s understanding of your depression is?

Well they said, I must pull myself together. Yes, that is it, you know, that’s all, that’s all, pull yourself together. You know, they all had depression it seems, you know, this is it, you know, and they always tell me, ‘Oh I had depression, this, that and the other. You see. However much I may tell them, even I, once we had a meeting at one of the health centres and I took them all, and explained to them, even the psychiatrist explained to them, but it didn’t go through their head.

Why do you think that is?

Well I think people have got this sort of notion isn’t it. I think in future if someone was diagnosed with a depression you see, they must say [Anton’s] disease. Then it will give a proper name. And they’ll say, ‘Oh no you haven’t got depression you have got [Anton’s] disease,’ and then people will know what it is. Yes. Well I tell you this, you go and speak to people, you just go and tell your friends, ‘Look I am depressed a bit. You will see. You’ll be amazed. And the advice you will get, and you will find so many of them have had.

Oh yes, I have go to different’ because sometimes, when you are depressed you want to be with a group of people who understand, so they have support groups, they have got one in Croydon, they have got in North London. So when you are down, you think like I will drag myself, how will I drag myself, oh let me got to the Islington support group today. Tomorrow they’ll have a group in the City of London. Thursday there will be a group in Ealing. So like that you sort of do the circuit. Sometimes you say ah I just couldn’t be bothered, sit down.

And how does it help when you go?

Well when you are with a group of people you can talk. And while you are there for one or two hours your mind is off at least you know people understand you. And then what happens in the support groups is that you go round telling your little story about three or five minutes, you know, depending on the number of people, three minutes if there is a lot, five minutes if there are not many. So then when you go through, somebody will say, ‘Oh well I had the same thing, but I did this. ‘This felt” And then you know it’s coming from somebody who had the problem and not from somebody saying, ‘Go and have a meal. ‘Go on a walk. Like one of my neighbours, a few weeks ago he said, ‘Oh you must have a walk. ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘Oh thanks Mr [name removed], telling me this, I never thought about it, I will definitely go and have a walk. Then the next day when he came in, ‘Oh I had a one mile walk. It didn’t do anything. Any other bright ideas?’ And he got the message [Laughs].

Do you feel it is more worthwhile trying things out, that if someone has had an experience of depression and they, they suggest something to you, do you feel a bit more like, well at least that might work?

Oh yes

Because it worked for them?

Yes. Now like I belong to an organisation, an expert patient group, [EPP]. Now the problem with the expert patient group. Obviously I try my very best, not to, what do you call, be all the time with the sick people, because you’re going to get into a rut and that can take over. But anyway this girl [name removed] told me, ‘So come to the expert patient group. And they sent me on a course. Then I said, ‘Do I want to go to the group and drown my sorrows and find comfort in what other people have?’ She said, ‘Ah come along.

So I went this six weeks course, half a day for the every week, and then I found, not only I was with a group of people who were ill, with different types of illnesses, heart, diabetes, mental illness, everything. The person who was lecturing or training he’s also an ill person. And then what we do is, he will sometimes say things, and then somebody says, ‘Oh I had this problem,’ they’ll put on the’ ‘What did you do?’ Then, ‘I don’t know I was really going through hell. And then somebody else said, ‘Oh no, no, no, do this, this helped.

Now for example there was a girl called [name removed] in one of the groups, and she said, ‘I don’t know, my filing, I’ve got a pile of things to file, this, that and the other, in a in a mess and everything. And that sort of a business. So then I said to her, then I said to her, ‘[name removed], what you do is, ideally, when you, when you get a letter you want to reply, what you do is you make a, a, a, what do you call, note of that letter, like heading of the letter. And if you’ve got a file, file it. So you got on one page you have got all the notes and the heading of the letter, so when you feel better, you know where to look for the file and you can reply. But if you put it in one big bundle then suddenly you are lo

I am a very religious and spiritual and everything. When the depression came in, it made my life hell. I prayed nothing happened. The, the church which I used to go and attend and preach in [town], they prayed, nothing happened. I found as the hand of God was against me, that he had decided to destroy me, because before I had the depression whatever I touched turned into gold. As if God is my next door neighbour’ oh pray about it, and this used to happen, then suddenly the depression, everything collapsed, as if the hand of God was against me. I lost my faith in a way. That’s why I decided to commit suicide. And then I regained it when I survived.

So then only I thought as if God had put a curse on me, that means nothing is going to happen. I’m one of those people I don’t cry over spilt milk, I just, if something happen I pick up the pieces and start again. But in this case the more I tried to fight it, the more I had to pick up, it got worse. I was thinking like the Hindus, what karma have I done in my past birth to deserve this, then I see of course you can’t help it, like in the Psalms, King David used to say, ‘Well sometimes you get angry. And he used to get angry with God. And I said, ‘What is this? Is this the reward I get? For, you know, leading a Christian life. And I used to think have I done anything dirty? Anything nasty to people to deserve this? Then I see the person who had been so nasty, they are prospering. They are okay. You know, in my life, in my work, I never made anyone redundant. I saved people’s jobs. And even when people did the dirty on me, I never took revenge. I said, ‘Oh forget it, you know, that’s past. That sort of a business. So then I thought to myself, ‘What’s happened?’ You know I used to think like Job, if God were to tell me why is this happening, I could put right. Then I thought to hell with it, let me go and commit suicide. If I will meet you, I will tell you. What do you expect me to do? And there was a time when somebody committed suicide at the Christian church, I won’t go to funeral, because obviously that’s not on. Now I can understand. I can sit down and write an order of service for a person who committed suicide. I could counsel their parents, or their brother and sisters.

You mentioned karma. Is karma something that you believe in?

Well Hindus believe in karma. That means whatever if you have done bad things in a previous birth you will repay this and all these things, and once when I was at a meeting, I was telling this woman, who was next to me ‘I don’t know I’ve got this illness, but I’m looking after my Mum. And you know what she told me. She told me in a previous birth, she wasn’t your Mum, you have murdered her. So you have reincarnated this birth to look after her. Then I said, ‘How do you know?’ She said, ‘Oh am a medium. Of course I wouldn’t to go and ask and consult a medium. But just came off chance conversation. Now it is so tempting to believe these things, but as a Christian I don’t. So but then, as I say, I’m from Sri Lanka, Indian background. So it’s part of your culture. Hinduism and Buddhism are part of your culture. Although you may be Christian, you tend to do things.

So nothing came out of them, and then one of the psychiatrists sort of said to me. ‘Look, well you don’t seem to respond to medicine. So therefore we can’t do much about it. And therefore, as far as we’re concerned we have given up. You will just have to grin and bear it.

Now me being me, I never take no for an answer. My being an auditor when the company has problems, well I want to solve it and come up with something. And if I didn’t I would go and ask somebody. So, so I said, ‘I want to see some other consultants.

So went and saw another, one of their consultants, and the consultant first he treated me nicely. He didn’t prescribe any medicine. I am a member of the Depression Alliance and Manic Depression Fellowship. I get their monthly magazine, and various information.

When some new treatment came up. I used to go and say, ‘Doctor, there is a new thing. Well let’s try this. Then he said to me, ‘Well look, we have discussed all these things before. Medicines don’t work for you. And then he said, ‘Oh I know about all that. You know, I’m a consultant. You know, you’re just wasting our time. And that is our business.

You said that they had given up on you.

Oh they’ve given up even when I go and show the latest research or pill, or development, they say, ‘Oh we have discussed all that. Well then they quote statistics. There are 20% of the depressed, people suffering from depression, medication doesn’t work. Then I said, ‘Well I could, this may work, one in a million chance. But they just wouldn’t.

How does that make you feel?

Oh I feel very bad, though. Because they, I am not asking them for something, for, I am suffering, when you’re suffering, even if they tell me, gulp that stone which I will do it. You know, when you’re suffering, somebody is suffering, why don’t they do it? All they do is write another prescription and say, ‘How are you getting on, you know.

At [psychiatric hospital] I met a Professor of Psychiatry and another doctor. And then I was telling my life story like this. Then they told me electric shock treatment. Previously I asked all the psychiatrists and no one wanted to give it to me. They said you’re not as bad as you think and we don’t agree with you. So when I went to [psychiatric hospital] they said, ‘Well if you are really suffering like that this, you can try it.

Then I belong to a research group in Institute of Psychiatry called CRAG, Consumer Research something, a group, and then I met some members and some said to me, ‘Oh yes, I have taken it. It was a quick cure. Or quick relief. I recommend it. Then another lady sort of said, ‘No, no, no, it caused me memory loss. I went through hell and I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole. So that’s the sort of difference of opinion.

So when I asked this Professor, they said to me, ‘Look on the net and make your mind up. I wish somebody would tell me, ‘Look go and do it. So then I thought to myself. Inside I’m still suicidal, I am going through hell. We have tried everything, come what may, even if my brain fries I’ll go and do it. So then, when was it, about three months ago, when the depression came in, I told my GP, and she contacted [psychiatric hospital], and [psychiatric hospital] backed down, and [psychiatric hospital] said, ‘No, no, no, unless the person is really bad,’ but I should have taken the offer then. But then when they first told me I was scared as well.

The other thing we always ask everybody is whether they have any messages for health or other professionals?
Well this is what I told one of the consultants. Of course, sometimes I tell them because I feel so bad these days. I don’t mind telling them. I told one of the consultants, ‘Well when you become the clinical director and you want to recruit psychiatrists for God sake recruit psychiatrists to deal with depression who has suffered depression, then they will understand. Otherwise it will be all theory, they say take this tablet and go away. It will take one month or three weeks. And then if it doesn’t come back for another tablet. This depression is an invisible illness. It can be only understood by people who suffer, unlike any other illness, so it is very important. I bumped into a few medics who suffer from depression. Oh I love sitting down and yapping and for hours and hours, because you feel you are talking to someone who understands, a common cause. But other people. Waste of time, you are just wasting your breath. So this is one thing they have got to help the services to deal with. Unlike physical illness, this is it, and plus they’ve got to sit down. Now some people, if the people aren’t articulate they can sit down and really go to town and ask them. Not just five or ten minutes or something, really go to town and ask them. Because the diagnosis depends on the information they give. Nothing what they see. Now if you go with any other medical a stethoscope, they could take your blood sample, and then may be it is it. But not depression though. So if that sort of a thing was done, then people wouldn’t commit suicide and people will feel better. Otherwise the same old thing, you know.
And what kind of difference do you think it would make, if say for example, your psychiatrist has his or her own experience of depression. How would that help?
Oh they would understand the hell we go through. No one can sanitise for your pain, the hell, the mental pain you go through, you can’t describe it. When I go through, ‘Oh my head” [gestures at head] no one can describe it. You can take paracetamol, Nurofen, nothing is going to happen. You can’t describe it. Then if they know all the hell they go through, then they would take it seriously, and then they will say, oh let’s put more resources, let’s see how we can do something about it.