So, we were talking about the fact that you felt traumatised about having the section so that, this is a very stupid question now, but was your birth like you expected it to be?

No’ Not at all.

Can you elaborate on that a little bit?

I didn’t feel a single contraction. And that’ I felt quite cheated by that, because that’s the whole part and parcel of giving birth. And that’s quite odd now because I’m facing that again with fear, thinking, you know, I’m hearing women say how painful it is and that scares me but it’s still very important to feel that because, to me, that’s part of childbirth and, you know, you do hear people say that they forget the pain. So not, not feeling sure I’d felt a contraction, I was in the water and I felt something but I wasn’t too sure if it was. So I’d envisaged the pain and the shouting and screaming and pacing around and in fact I sat there in a pool doing the crossword with my mum and my friend [slight laugh]’ that seemed very abstract, and the next thing I know it all seemed very medical and just totally away from what I’d expected because I was lying there out of control, unable to do anything.

How did you feel about the fact that you’d had a section and how you felt about the way that your daughter was delivered?

Yeah, and I think I said’ did I say, obviously I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t deliver her naturally, but it was the safest option, and you know, theres nothing wrong with her now. Shes a very, very intelligent little girl, you know, I couldn’t ask for, couldn’t ask for a better daughter really, so, you know, it was the right thing to do.

And did it affect how you felt about yourself at all, the fact that you’d had a section?

Yeah, I, for, I think, I for a while went through a phase of feeling like a bit of a failure, as a mum, and I hadn’t made that bond, the initial bond like you do by delivering vaginally, and it’s very psychological. Because you know so many people that deliver naturally and theres, I mean, there was one person I knew I think out of the whole of the ante-natal class that had a C-section, you tend to feel in a minority group.

How long did that last, that feeling?

A couple of months.

It was just the final decision, you know, in hindsight, he wasn’t a big baby and it’s just – if they, they knew that the method of measuring wasn’t accurate then’ I found that difficult to understand, if they know it wasn’t accurate but, you know, they sort of put me down to have an op, a major operation. It seemed’ I’m trying to make myself clear’ it was sort of a bit of a risky decision really. I don’t know, it just seemed a bit odd, that they weren’t that- they weren’t more accurate. I mean theres quite a difference between seven-ten and a good ten-pounder really.

Actually, you know, I felt angry at the beginning in the first sort of eight weeks after [Son] was born, I felt, I felt quite angry. Because they got it wrong, but then I thought, well, they’re in a very difficult position. If they hadn’t have done what they did and things had gone wrong and he was big and he did get stuck and whatever, then I’d be saying well, why didn’t you-, you know. So I sort of calmed down after a while and thought oh, well, you know, that’s the way it is and it’s, they did the best they did for, for me and that’s fine. And actually, if I’m honest, it’s quite a stress-free way of having a baby [laughs]. You know, now I’m faced with the- having a natural birth, you know, it’s pretty stress-free really, you go in, you’re booked in, you lie there, you wait to go down to theatre, I mean it’s nothing. And after, I was fine. I had no problems.

And you were concerned about being awake?

Yeah that sort of, as soon as I was numb, that all went really. When it was all happening I forgot about that.

And you didn’t have any worries about any effects on yourself, kind of emotionally about the fact that you’d had to have a section?

No. I felt quite practical about it. I know people say things like feeling failures because they didn’t, you know, but absolutely not. I’m a very practical person.

Good. And what about your husband? Did he have any’?

Actually, I think I was very brave to have tried, considering the background.

That’s very true, actually.

But that’s why I’m very, very sure of the fact that this time I’m, I just want to go into, straight into the elective caesarean.

And overall, how would you sum up that you feel about the way that your son was born?

Fine… I think that was, yeah’ I was, I think’ I don’t think it could’ve gone any other way because I wouldn’t have wanted an elective caesarean without even trying, but at the same time no, no, no, that was it, that was fine. I mean I wish it had, maybe wed come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to dilate within twenty-four hours instead of forty-eight [laughs]. But I suppose it couldn’t be avoided, and I was quite happy with him being born by caesarean in the end. As, as I say I feel quite satisfied that at least we tried.

So, how did you feel about having the section?

I was, at the end I was very’ very pleased to have the section.

Just get it over with.

Yeah, absolutely.

And was it like you thought it would be?

Yeah. Well, it was even better, because as I said, I thought I’d have to like spend two or three days in bed, but I was up on my feet the next day.

Did you feel differently about yourself at all, after the section?

Not really, I don’t think. No, I mean, I think because it’s, it’s such a small scar and you can’t, and it healed very well as well, and so it wasn’t as if I felt that, you know, it wasn’t as if I felt that I had been disfigured by it or anything like that (to baby) No, naughty baby, no. Go and see daddy. But I think because I think I kind of felt that there are so’ I mean, your body is so different after you’ve had a baby anyway’ theres so many things to, that you know, to, to adjust to like having different sized, you know, having different sized boobs and trying to get your stomach back and things like that, that to be honest, it was only one of a number of things, and I, I would say I probably thought about it a lot less than I thought about how much I weighed, for example.

It’s funny, because three years ago I would have had a different outlook, but now I can see that it was probably a mistake on their part to put me in the water so soon’ But obviously, at the end of the day it’s really just that last centimetre of dilation that I just didn’t do in time for them.

So how do you feel now about the way that your baby was born?

‘Glad that he was healthy and happy really. With nearly six years gone by, it’s it easier to think, ‘Just be grateful that he was born okay’, that he was born healthy, rather’ and don’t dwell on what I missed out, or how I felt because at the end of the day we did bond. It may have taken a few weeks but we have bonded, hes a wonderful little boy. Time heals everything doesn’t it, I guess. It was really initially afterwards and times when I feel emotional like now, when I’m going to be talking about it and reflecting on it. It’s like anything, if you’re feeling emotional then something traumatic will make you, make it come out. But’ basically, I don’t really know how to feel about it because, like I say I feel they, they put me in the birthing pool too soon, which was their mistake.

And, you know, I can’t help but wonder how things would have gone if they hadn’t done that. Would I have built up contractions slowly and would it all have gone okay? I mean, I got to nine centimetres but then I don’t think they ever really explained why’ that half-hour made all the difference. He was saying, you know, you’ve got to nine centimetres, we should see a baby in the next half-hour and I’m up on the roof really excited.

Why was it, why did it have to be half-hour? It’s meconium I think, isn’t it, it just boils down to the meconium. But then I hear other stories about somebody’s left, or their baby had passed meconium twice and, you know, they were allowed to do that and they were disgusted that there, that nothing was done about that, so you can’t really sort of win. But yeah, I just feel, I feel mixed, very mixed.

I think I was more concerned about [daughter’s name] and whether she was okay, and the fact that she was distressed’ I, I just wanted her to be delivered as fast as possible, to make sure that she was alright. So, any other worries about me didn’t really sort of come into play, if you like.

And how did you feel after, about the fact that you’d had a section?

Really quite disappointed.

Right. Could you say a bit more about that?

I just felt that my body had let me down a bit and it, it wasn’t something that I’d planned for or sort of’ I just assumed that I’d have a natural birth and, and I don’t know, I just felt that I’d let myself down a bit, which might sound completely daft [laughs].

No, it’s a common, it’s a common feeling’

‘and I think even now, talking about it, I still think, you know, but then I think, you know, I’ve got a great daughter and shes healthy and shes fine.

Is that how you feel about it now?

I still sometimes feel a bit disappointed about it. But, not so much now. It does sort of fade over time, I think.

And how do you feel now about the way that your babies were born?

I’m actually happy about the way my babies were born because at the end of the day, my main objective was to have two healthy babies and, you know, I don’t have any hang-ups about the fact that it wasn’t, they weren’t naturally born or anything.

And, do you have any long-term concerns about either the effects of the delivery on them or you at all?

‘not really, apart from the fact that it’s quite funny that the second twin is now the first twin and the first twin should have been – they’re the wrong way round, if you see the pictures, scan pictures and things, but whether that will affect them as they get older [laughs] stole my birthright [laughs].

And did you have any feelings about yourself at all that were different after the section?

‘possibly not at the time but more so now because people speak to you as if you’ve had a natural delivery and now that I’m having a second child and then when you tell them you’ve had a section, they go, ‘Oh’, which is sort of strange, like and you don’t, because like people tell you all the gory details of their birth now because you’ve got children and then you sort of say, ‘Oh, okay’ whatever and then they ask you how far apart they were born and then you say, ‘Two minutes’, and they go ‘Oh, wow, how’s that?’ And, ‘It’s because it’s a section. And I sort of feel it’s a little stigmatised, but maybe that’s just the circles I particularly move in, but ‘

And how do you feel now about the fact that you had a section?

Well, I’d say I didn’t enjoy it at all, but’obviously I wasn’t prepared at all for it so it was a bit of a shock, and obviously [Son] was in the baby unit for ten days, so I sort of felt like he was took away, if you see what I mean, for the first week’ But’ wouldn’t, wouldn’t really like one again.

Right. So, would you say the birth was like you expected it to be?

It was, or it wasn’t, sorry?

It wasn’t?

No.

And do you feel that having a section affected your son in any way? I mean, the fact that he was prem and you didn’t spend time together, did that worry you at all?

Yeah, I didn’t get any post-natal depression, but I did sort of’ I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel until I brought him home. For the first ten days I didn’t really’ it wasn’t reality that I was a mum, if you see what I mean.

That must have been weird, having had a baby and not-, not being with him.

Yeah, because I come home after about four days, because obviously I needed to get premature things and everything ready.

So, you know, my bump was gone and I had no baby’ and it was a bit strange.

And did you feel different about yourself at all, the fact that you’d had a section?

‘I did in a way, because a lot of this’ you know, you’ve got the rumours about, ‘Too posh to push’, sort of thing, so a lot of people will judge you because you’ve had a caesarean, but obviously in my case it’ I didn’t have a choice anyway, so’

Did you feel that people did judge you at all?

No, not- not my friends and family, because obviously they, they all was aware of why I had to have it. But when you’re sort of talking to other mums now’

Do they find it a bit odd that you had a section?

Yeah, yeah.