And what were your feeling when you first heard all this bad news?

Dread. Fear, fear. And I, I know I still am fearful but what, what happens alongside that is you begin to accommodate to it and you begin to sort out strategies to deal with it and certainly one of my strategies is to, to go back to some of the things that I’ve enjoyed doing and part, particularly keeping fit. I mean, one of my consultants said exercise is a positive benefit. Well, I’m for that. So I’m, I’m doing it;

But you, you do, everybody’s different and everybody will have their own ways of, of coping. That’s one of my ways. Another way is to read, which I do anyway. So in a way it’s, it’s, it’s doing all the things that I’ve normally done and trying to live as normal a life as possible. And, and, you know, going back to work, which I will be doing in about a month’s time, I’m actually looking forward to going back to wor; because it makes you feel normal. It’s a, you know, a re-engagement with life. The fear and the anxiety don’t go away. There isn’t a day when I don’t think, you know, ‘I’ve got cancer, why did this happen? This is horrible, it’s terrible. What does it mean in terms of life expectancy?’ But at, theres another leve; I mean, for me, I tend to be a bit bloody-minded anyway although I don’t think I’m difficult, but I, I can be obstinate. So for me it’s something about having something inside you that doesn’t belong there and it, it threatens you. So for me the, the response has been to threaten it back and to, you know, to fight it and think of ways of doing that. So I’ve started doing things like, it’s a version of Tai Chi but it’s, it’s a Chinese breathing exercise which I’ve actually liked doing and, you know, which is a positive benefit.

You were talking about your feelings after you had the diagnosis and you had to have the operation.

Yeah the feeling I, the feelings I had really was I think it was just depression. I was very, very depressed, and every time I thought about the cancer I cried. And I cried a lot in the four months before my operation. I couldn’t stand people talking to me about it because it upset me that much. Every time somebody spoke about it I started crying, I filled up and I felt like crying all the time. And by the time I came for my operation I was in quite a bad state. And when I went into hospital for my operation there was a Macmillan nurse in the hospital where I had my operation and she came to see me, and that was the first contact I’d had with a Macmillan nurse or with anybody. And she really did help me get through my operation. She talked to me and explained things to me. Up until then nobody had explained to me in any detail of what was going to happen to me, they just said they was going to take part or all of my lung away, they didn’t say anything at all about the operation, how the operation would be carried out. And then I had the operation.

Were you given any leaflets or anything like that about it?

I was given one leaflet; no I wasn’t given any leaflets until I came out of the hospital. I wasn’t even given any leaflets at all beforehand; it was when I came out of the hospital after the operation that I was given some small bits of paper that didn’t give you a lot of information at all.

They said, well when they told me, the doctor told me “You’ve got mesothelioma,” he said “theres no treatment, we can’t treat you at all.” And I really felt down at the time you know. And then of course when we got home me and my wife was really down. I was down for a couple of months you know really, well didn’t want to do anything, and cried a lot you know. And then you just think, well one morning you wake up and you’ve got to live the rest of your life, get on with it you know, it’s no good moping about and that’s what weve done. We haven’t looked back since really.

And I must say that theres a moment of despair but it seemed to take a step back and I felt very contented, I had no fear, no hang-ups, no inhibitions, no emotions at all, just a feeling of wellbeing and contentedness. And I had a wee thought to myself, now cancer, now I had to tell my wife. I left the ward and went outside, I had my mobile phone with me and I phoned my wife and I just told her “Look theres complications and they think it was cancer, we need a wee talk.” And my wife, she came up and we both had a wee greet but we took a great strength from the Lord, he gave us a strength from within. And after, a strange feeling but I feel, and I still feel a very contented feeling within myself and I know that I’ve got a fight on my hands. I’ve got to fight and I’m fighting it with the support of my family and I know that the Lord Jesus Christ hes on my side, hes striding with me and theres all the medical people and theres so many hospitals and all the staff and they’re in there fighting for me, for my wee body, my little body here they’re doing things for me. And the thing that I’ve got is a positive attitude and I know I’m getting better and I know I will get better because I know, I know that theres more people living with cancer than there is dying from it and life goes on and I’m hanging on to this life and I want this life and I’ve no fears for the future.

I were absolutely panic-stricken. I were 50 years old, I didn’t feel like I were 50 and I’d got such a lot going on in my life at that time and I was so worried that I were going to die and not actually be able to you know finish what I’d started with my grand-daughter for a start, you know fostering her. That were the biggest worry and I think, I remember actually my husband says, “Would you like a drink?” and I says “Yeah I will have a drink,” I says “I’ll have a stiff Bacardi and coke please.” And while he were up doing it, and I could hear him crying in the kitchen actually, I went and phoned my mother. And I knew shed got a little bit of money in the bank and you know shed always said theres only me and my brother so it were there if we wanted it and certainly there for split down the middle you know when anything happened. And my Dad had died about a year before and I remember going to the phone and asking her if I could have what she were going to leave me now because I might not be there in a couple of years to spend it.

And I said, “I want to go on holiday, I want to go to Kenya on safari,” you know. And then I thought, I come off and I thought you fool (laughs), you know but she said it were okay and I could have it. But I just could, that were all I were bothered about at the time, were looking after my grand-daughter and going to Kenya before I died you know. And here I am five and a half years after it and I still haven’t been to Kenya (laughs) – I’ve been to Mexico but I’ve not been to Kenya you know.

So have you ever asked about what might happen in the future?

Oh yes I’ve often asked that question “How long have I got, what’s going to happen now etc?” but I don’t get an answer for that one. They seem to skip that.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I’d like to know, to be honest – I’d like to know where my future lies. I know when I was told I had cancer in the first instance I made some very bad decisions with the things I had to do about the house etc, buying a car which finished up to be a pile of rubbish. You tended to dive in you know I’ve got this to do, that to do, the next thing and you would charge out. It needs a period of reflection.

But when we got the news it was just numbness really. I think a lot of people act differently, a lot of people burst into tears, we didn’t do any of that, we just sort of sat and looked at each other for a while. It wasn’t really till we got in the car to come home and we was on our own that the impact really hits you then. And it’s very difficult, because there you are, the two of you know what’s going on but you’ve got a family that doesn’t know what’s going on. They know you haven’t been well and, but actually we went to a caf and had a cup of tea and a sandwich and wed always decided to get married anyway but we sort of decided on the spot there and then that we was going to get married.