So we took a pregnancy test at New Year’s Eve, and at the stroke of midnight we found out that it was pregnant. And it was brilliant. We were over the moon. Everything seemed to be going to plan, as it had with the other two pregnancies. We had a twelve week scan, it all looked perfect. The Down’s screening come back clear. So we were quite excited. And the girls – both our daughters – knew about the pregnancy then, and we said to them we’ve got a baby in the belly, and you need to be careful around Mummy, and. They got excited about it, and wanted to know what I was having, and how long they had to wait until the baby came. And dates were always quite – strangely important. I don’t know why. It’s just one of them things that come up. We got the letter through for the twenty week scan, which happened to be on my partner’s birthday. So, but I remember waking up on the day of the scan, sitting in bed with the presents and cards, and the girls were on the bed with us, and we were opening everything, and. Luckily we’d decided to give the girls over to my Mum while we went to the scan on our own.

We went to my Mum’s house, to pick up the girls. And my Mum answered the door, and she had this big smile on her face, and she said “So?” And I said, “No, the baby’s gone.” And she didn’t kind of understand what I was saying then. And I remember walking into the kitchen, and my Dad walked out, because I think he kind of understood a bit better, and he walked out. He didn’t want to see me upset. So he walked out. And the girls come through, and we had to tell them then, you know, there is no baby. And there won’t be a brother or sister for you. And kind of shattering their world. It wasn’t, it wasn’t nice. They didn’t really understand it still. And we took them home. Brought them back here. And we tried to carry on, for them. So I remember the oldest one went to nursery the next day. And we’d asked if my Mum could have them while I went into hospital.

And we also taught the kids what to say. Because I felt awful for my son going back to school, because he’d only – he’d only gone in – he’d gone in with scans to show, to do show and tell in his class about we’re having a baby, and. And so we spoke to his teacher about obviously how he was dealing with things. And he – she said he – he stood up in front of his class on his first day back, and just explained to his whole class that the baby had died. And she said he did it – and then – even let the kids take questions – he took questions from the other kids in his class. So yeah, he – and he talks about it more now than he did. But he was a bit young at the time, and he wanted to – he didn’t want to talk about it. He, you know, he blocked it out. My daughter going back to school, she’s going back to secondary school, and one of the first lessons she had on her day back, first day back, she had a cover teacher for French, and they did all the members of my family, in French. And she just ran out of the classroom in tears. And so luckily her head of year was really supportive. And I think it was really good for her to know that she had people at school that she’d go to.

And also when I was at home, if they phoned me at any time – I said, “Phone me at any time, I’ll come and get you.” So she – we tried to get her back into school as quickly as possible. Not like straight away, but. We – they took a whole week or so off. But then it became one of those things where they just needed the routine back, to kind of get back to normal. And so, but she had that get-out, that she could just go home whenever she wanted. And obviously she was 12 at the time, and it’s an emotional time being a teenager anyway. So she, yeah. So she did have to come home a few times, when she was just really upset and she just wanted – she felt like everything got on top of her a bit too much. But yeah, apart from that her school were really supportive, and she saw the emotional welfare officer. I don’t know if that’s what they’re called now. But it used to be called the emotional welfare officer. But like the kind of like student support counsellor. And that really helped her as well, helped her get back into, get back into school a bit. Because yeah, she really was grieving for him a lot. And she said she found it hard, because people kept saying well, you know, you lost a – your mum was pregnant but now isn’t, kind of thing. They didn’t quite get how it had impacted on her as well.

So I think that was a lot to consider. It was not – it was just not just dealing with our grief, but also managing our children’s grief as well. Which is really hard. And also asking other people to help deal with their grief too.

And we were very factual with it. And at the time, he was like “Okay.” And off he went to play. But then he’d say things like [sigh], just like catch you unaware. “Oh, that spider’s dead. Dead like Henry.” “Mmm, yes. Dead like Henry.” You know. Or when it got to Christmas time, lots of people gave us like baubles and stuff for the tree. And he would very matter of factly explain it to my Dad, that “This is a special bauble, you have to be careful. This is Henry’s bauble, Henry died.” “Ah, okay.” But now, he’s sort of matured a bit more. And he – so we’ve got the tree in the garden, where Henry’s ashes are. And our friends also bought us like an olive tree, so we’ve got that as well. And he’s very, “They’re Henry’s trees, you have to be careful with them. I want to water Henry’s trees. Let’s put – let’s build that for Henry.” You know, so he does talk about him a lot more. And the hospital also gave him a bear, a Henry bear. Which stays in bed with him. And even though it’s not one of his favourites, and he doesn’t play with it all the time, he would say that that is a special bear, because that’s a Henry bear. And he knows about the work I do for Aching Arms, and I do Henry talks. And stuff like that. And I think, yeah. I mean, the enormity of it he obviously can’t comprehend at all. But he has very good understanding that this, something has gone really wrong. And he was supposed to have a Henry, and now he doesn’t have a Henry any more. And I’m – [my husband] and I have differed really, in how we wanted to approach it. So I feel like he should know, not all the ins and outs – probably never all the ins and outs – but that actually, Henry is part of our family. And, you know, I don’t feel the need to make Henry birthday cakes, or anything like that, but that every year we’ll have a family day out and it’ll be for Henry’s birthday. And, you know, at Christmas we might light a candle for Henry, and we’ll remember him that way. Because I think he needs to grow up sort of kind of knowing, like acknowledging that he did exist. So it’s made this pregnancy rather interesting [laugh]. So I’d planned not to tell him, like forever, really – until the last minute. Because he was disappointed, and he did for a long time sort of keep saying “When Henry comes, we can play football.” And then I’d have to say “Oh no, Henry’s not coming.” “Ah. Henry died. Yes, Henry died.” You know, so it took him a while to really kind of absorb that. Because until then of course, I hadn’t talked about death with my two year old. Why would you? You know? [Laugh]. So, yeah. So that whole concept was quite tricky. So with this baby, I’d planned not to really mention it until my baby was in hospital, and like here [laugh]. But, he guessed, from like seven weeks. Some crazy child intuition. So he again, is very excited. He’s fed up with waiting [laugh]. He wants the baby here now, and I’m like ‘keep it in’, [laughing]. But, yeah. So, but it’s been – we’ve been more cautious, I think, this time. We very much jumped into telling him all about it, from very early on, with Henry. But hindsight’s a wonderful thing, really [laugh]. So, yeah.

So [sigh]. You know, my husband and I were really concerned about telling him. Because I thought it will change his life slightly, because – you know – from being, you know, quite a carefree 10 year old, we’re telling him something so big. But we decided we’d tell him in sort of more of a relaxed way. Rather than saying “Right, we need to tell you this.” So, I don’t know. I think we were maybe eating dinner, and I just said, you know, “There’s something we need to tell you. Before you were born, I was pregnant. And unfortunately, you know, she didn’t survive.” So, you know, “Otherwise you may have had a sister.” And he was shocked. He said he knew something was going on. And that’s how smart he is. Because he’d always said he wanted a sister.

And I think – I don’t know how he would have figured something out, but he said he thought something had gone on. He ran up to his room, and he was really upset. And I thought ‘oh my gosh, what have we done?’ But we said, you know, “We’ll give you time.” And then we encouraged him to talk about it. And you know, he’s he’s said it’s part of his life now. He said it has changed his life, completely. Because he is an only child.

Some people said it’s a good idea to tell him. “Are you sure? Do you think you should?” Will I ever be a hundred percent sure? No. I don’t think a hundred percent about anything. I just think he’s a smart kid. I didn’t want him to grow up saying “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep it a secret?” You know, she has a grave. She has a gravestone.

And he asked to go, and we took him. And you know, he took flowers. And it’s important, because when we’re not here, he can then choose whether to continue to visit her, or not. And that’s his choice.