I get very sick. I was very sick in the pregnancy. The sickness came to at six weeks, and just basically didn’t go, the whole time up until I lost him.

And, and I used to complain because people used to say “Oh, morning sickness.” And I’d be like “There’s nothing called morning sickness, it’s called 24/7 sickness.” [Laugh].

And, and that’s just the way it is. And it’s horrible. But, but I remember the first day that I felt semi-okay was the day that we lost him. I remember waking up and thinking ‘today I feel like I can do stuff. And then obviously that’s what happened.

So I got home. And I also remember Matthew had bought me flowers that day. And I remember running into the kitchen, and he said to me, “Here’s a bunch of flowers.” And I said, “Thanks, great. Brilliant. Got to go to the toilet.” Ran up the stairs to go to the toilet. We didn’t have a lock on our bathroom door. [clears throat] Excuse me. And I went to go to the toilet. Felt something very strange. And looked down, and there was these two little legs hanging. So, in my panic, I didn’t – I didn’t know what to do. I just did not know what to do.

Screamed for Matthew. He came in. And he just took control. Absolute control. I’m generally the one in the relationship that takes that stance. He rang 999. And they were speaking to me, telling me to get into this position and that position, what was going on. And there was no other feeling I had to push, there was no other – that was it. I had that obviously – I now know they were contractions. I was told at the hospital I was having contractions. But that was it. So I had this baby that was half in, half out. The ambulance came. And they didn’t know how to put me into the ambulance. And I remember being really awkward. I couldn’t sit down. I didn’t want to lay down. So I ended up hugging a chair, in the ambulance, on my knees. And I remember them saying to me, “We’re going to the delivery ward. We’re going to the labour ward.” And that really confused me.

I remember feeling really confused, and going “Well, why am I going to deliver the baby?” I just didn’t understand at the time. It didn’t compute that actually I was having a baby. I think in the back of my mind I thought that they’d be able to put her back in, or. Because she wasn’t ready to come out.

We got to the delivery suite. And they had a crash team ready for her. And the room was just full of people. And they were all desperately trying to get her out. They were pushing my stomach. They were telling me to push. And I, and I also remember they kept saying to me, “Bear down. Bear down.” I didn’t know what that meant. I hadn’t been to any antenatal classes yet because we hadn’t got that far along.

And it was panic. It was just this mass feeling of panic. And then all of a sudden the doctor came to my bedside, she had a stethoscope. And she put it to the umbilical cord, and she just said “There’s no heartbeat.” And then that was it, and the room emptied. Everybody left. We were left with a lovely midwife. And I think that’s when we let go. I think we knew. We both knew, on the way that this wasn’t good. We weren’t at that stage yet, where it was all going to be okay.
But I think when somebody turns round and says to you, “there’s no heartbeat,” that’s when – that one minute, everything changes. Everything changes. The room emptied. The midwife left us alone. We had a good cry. But I still had a job to do. I had to get this baby out.

So I actually got on the tube, and the train. And the whole – did the whole journey, knowing that I’sd probably have lost the baby. That was really tough.

And then rang up my husband, and was just like, “You need to meet me at the local hospital.”

Went to the local hospital, and they said that the scan unit had closed, so they couldn’t scan me. Which I thought was – At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. Now, I think it’s disgusting. You know? And they said that I’d have to wait until it opened at seven o’clock in the morning, and they were going to keep me in. And I had no bleeding. And they’d had a look and said “It’s incompetent cervix. You just need to be stitched up.” So, once we scan you, you can see how far back the hole goes, so how much we need to stitch. And I was like, “Fine.”

So, went the whole night, terrified. Absolutely terrified. The next morning came, seven o’clock – because obviously we didn’t sleep, at all.

Seven o’clock came. And, I was fully expecting that I’d be taken in to have a scan, to have the scan straight away.

And they were saying that the appointments that had been booked that day take priority.

So I was left there, waiting. And then it came to eleven o’clock, and I was still waiting, to try and see to get someone to have this scan, so I could go into surgery. Because in my head, once I had the surgery, everything would be fine, because it’d just be stitched up. And then you could go on with it. Eleven o’clock came. Still didn’t have a scan. Twelve o’clock came, still didn’t have a scan. Also, not – I’m not, was angry with them or getting annoyed, because – you know – this is the first time that I’m going through this, I’m totally going by their judgement and everything that they’re doing, and understanding that they know best. One o’clock came. And I – It’s the first time that I said to my husband to, you know, “Go home. All I’m doing is waiting for a scan. Go home. Get some bits for us, and then come back.” Half one, I started bleeding. And they come in, and they tell me – didn’t even – it wasn’t even bleeding a lot. It was like spotting.

And they come in and they tell me that there’s nothing they can do, that I’m going to have to let the baby pass.

Without the scan?

Without the scan. The whole time I was there, I never got a scan. I got, I got a Doppler, which allowed the heartbeat. And, and the heartbeat was really strong. There was nothing wrong with him at all.

Like the whole time, his heart was really strong. He never had any issues with him, it was – it was my cervix that was the issue, we just needed to close it up.

I just had a bit of like stomach ache. I didn’t feel right. Couldn’t get in at the doctors. Couldn’t get – I rang the midwife up, she said nothing was wrong with me. So I got in at the doctors like the following Monday. But it was too late by then. I’d gone into town, and to drop my daughter off at school. I felt even worse, so I went to the pub. I rang the hospital up, and just said, “Look, I really need to see somebody, I don’t feel right.” I went to the toilet, and my waters went down, down the pub toilet. So I rang my Mum and Dad up, and they come and got me. Took me straight to [local hospital]. They said my cervix was short. They went to book me in to go to [specialist hospital], to see a specialist about putting a stitch in. But as [laugh] – They’d gone out, I went to the toilet, and her foot fell out of me on the toilet. So obviously labour – that stomach ache, it was labour, and things like that. And that was it then.

Emily: And I think we were quite aware at that point that we sort of felt something was wrong, but it felt like we weren’t being taken seriously, perhaps. Quite often when I would turn up at A&E, they’d sort of say – you know – I’d say “I’m bleeding.” And they’d sort of be like “Yeah, yeah.” And then send me off to do a urine sample, which would obviously just be bright red. And then I’d bring that back, and they’d be like “Oh, you are.” You know? It was almost like

Mike: That was very frustrating, was every time, and we went to the hospital a good three or four times, and

Emily: Three, I was admitted three times.

Mike: And every time we went there, we had to go through the same rigmarole of going to A&E, waiting for two, three hours

Emily: I’d have to sit in the waiting room.

Mike: Going to get into a bed in A&E, wait around more.

Emily: I’d be hooked up to a drip, wouldn’t I.

Mike: Yeah.

Emily: And I often had to stay in overnight, just for sort of observation. But it just felt like nobody really knew what was going on. And, you know, I do understand that until a certain age, or – you know – or stage of your pregnancy, they can’t really do very much. But it did feel like we weren’t really getting any answers, and we just keep being sort of sent home.

Mike: And you just got the feeling sometimes that people think that maybe you’re just being a bit of like a

Emily: A bit dramatic.

Mike: Yeah. About it. Or, I’m not sure quite what the – hypochondriac, is it?

Emily: Yeah. Yeah.

Mike: Yeah. Just – It was just like you were making a big deal out of something – like ‘you’re pregnant, people bleed when they’re pregnant’, but. I, like – trying to – And like I kept trying to tell doctors, like “This isn’t just a little bleed, this is a substantial bleed -”

Emily: I’d soak the bed, and things.

Mike: When, when – When we had to call the ambulance out as well, they asked me to – Well, to me, it was one of the worst things, like because we weren’t sure if it was just a large clot, if Emily had miscarried. And they said that you have to get that out of the toilet. So that was pretty, pretty upsetting for myself. And then trying to tell that to another random doctor, I know that’s how A&E work, so I’ve nothing against that, but having to explain that to them, that this isn’t just like a little bleed, again. There’s, there’s not something right.

Maxine: But obviously what we were expecting on this Tuesday was that I’d take the first tablet and 24 hours later, 48 hours later, I’d come back in and I’d deliver. And then we went on that Tuesday, and we – we had the scan and the fluid had gone down. And we were put into the quiet, the quiet room, weren’t we [laugh].

Steve: Yeah.

Maxine: The purple room.

Steve: And I think we were still, in our minds

Maxine: She was still alive.

Steve: Yeah, she was still alive. But we were still in the mind of, like Maxine says, you know – come in to take the tablet or whatever. The consultant sort of was going to say, “Right, you know, this is what we need to do. What you saw last week is right.” And everything that.

Maxine: It was almost just – we felt that was the confirmation.

Steve: Yeah. And then suddenly, he came and then told us “Ooh, I don’t think I can make the decision. I think we need to -”

Maxine: He wanted a second opinion.

Steve: A second opinion. And it was like, well hold on – we’re all – Suddenly, we’re on a – It was a rollercoaster. But at the time, the rollercoaster was just going along at a level? And I think we were thinking, right this is where – you know

Maxine: The Tuesday, it’s almost

Steve: The Tuesday, the tablet’s going to start. And we’re going to, you know, just carry on. Then suddenly we got this boost again, going up, of ‘oh, hold on – I want another consultant to, to analyse what we’re looking at. And you think ‘oh, hold on’ [laugh].

Maxine: That – it was just

Steve: The hope came back again.

Maxine: The hope came back again.

And, and the toughest part in there is when you’re at the hospital, you’re in the room – in the room, just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Nobody gives you any information. You don’t know what’s going on. You don’t know if the doctor is going to come today, or maybe in three – in three days, or – or, I don’t know. You’re just there, and the – The communication is, was – was pretty bad at that stage. I felt like – Obviously we’re not the only patients in the hospital or in the whole ward, and. And they’re very busy, I understand, but can you just tell us what’s going on? It’s just – It would take you ten seconds, to just knock on the door and say, “Guys, the doctor’s not coming today because he’s super-busy, or – yeah, don’t – don’t wait anybody to come.” Or, that’s it. You’re – At least you know that. And you just can do whatever, and. Or you’re not expecting anybody, and if the doctor has a moment at some point, that’s a bonus – that’s bingo. That’s, that’s the way I felt. And, and – yeah. Lack of communication. Lack of information all the time.

I mean, I mean to me it was very tough because, was working and picking up the little one from nursery, going to the hospital and then here. It was, it was quite stressful. But, but I had to be strong. I had to pretend that nothing was happening, for the little one. And to keep live as, to keep the routine as poss- and the life as normal as possible for [my son], not realising what’s going on. Although he felt something was happening. Because he – since Asun was at the hospital. He- So, couple of weeks before all this happened, we managed to put him to his bed in his room, he was sleeping without us. So, so it was like – yeah, that’s a big achievement for us. And, and since – since Asun was at the hospital, then he – he slept with me every night. He wanted to be with me. He needed the dummy a lot. So he was all the time with the dummy. He – Yeah, he – It was kind of – He felt that he needed to be with somebody all the time.

And I did have hope, because he didn’t come – I kept thinking they don’t know what they’re talking about, my son’s still alive, and. Yeah. And, I have to say, I’ve just remembered. The Friday before he came, that morning I had to go downstairs for a scan, to the pre-term birth clinic.

They couldn’t get a machine into my room, and they wanted me to go and have an ultrasound downstairs. And the woman there didn’t know my situation. And she didn’t know my water had broken, and she started scanning, and she was like “There he is, there’s his heartbeat. Oh, little boy.” And I remember just – My Mum was holding my hand and I was just crying and crying and crying, and she was like “Would you like a picture?” And I was like, “What?” In fact, I said “Yes, I do actually want a picture.” I said, “But my son isn’t going to live.” You know? But I was just – And I know it happens, she’s only a person, and there’s so many of us and we’re all – you know – I want to be understanding, I want to be sympathetic, and. But it’s so hard when it’s happening to you. Feels like injustice is so bad, and. Don’t know.

So, the poor midwife that was sort of standing there once the consultants had left, I kept saying to her “So, what’s going to happen if I don’t do anything?” And she was saying “You will die.” “So, what’s going to happen if I don’t do anything? Sorry?” You know. And she just kept saying “You will die. You will die. Both of you will die. Or you can be induced.” And in the end, I said, “Well just plug, plug me in then.” You know. Which was just – it was then really bizarre, because [laugh] almost the hormones that were going around in my brain were like ‘oh, how exciting, you’re about to meet your baby. You know, those kind of hormones are still there. And I was still feeling him kicking, he had normal movement patterns. And I know I keep saying that, but I think for me, part of my story is it’s so important for people to know that actually the baby was fine. There was nothing wrong with him. And again, if he had died, or if he had been suffering – again, it would have made it easier for my head to digest what was going on. But as far as I was concerned, he was fine, and I felt fine, so what are we doing? [Laughing]. You know? It’s very hard. Even now, I’m not sure it’s really sunk in. Like the gravity of the situation. So.

How long did they leave the decision with you?

[Sniff] Not long at all. Like I said, there wasn’t really a decision. They weren’t really asking me, “What are you going to do?” They were like “These are your two options, and this is what we’re going to do.” And they really were just waiting for my consent to put me on the induction drip. So probably half an hour from the consultant coming in, to me being plugged in, and asking the midwife a hundred times to just clarify exactly what she’d said, what they’d said. Yeah. So yeah, it wasn’t really a choice. I think as they said it, they walked in with the medication, really. And with hindsight, obviously that was the right thing. Because I did have a family to come home to. But it’s grief mixed with shock mixed with maternal hormones, is just a [laugh] – a really weird concoction to go through. So they plugged me in.

So, Lisa went in the ambulance and I drove over, and then – and when we got there, the consultantwas really reassuring. Because I think just seemed very confident in what she could do. And you kind of hear ‘well, these are the risks and those are the risks, and something else is the risks. And I think that was the thing that we were really struggling with weighing up, was we want to do the best for this unborn baby, and we want to give them the best chance to survive, but then we don’t want to put Lisa at risk.

And I think – I don’t know, maybe it would be more for me, I don’t know. Because I was worried about Lisa as well as the baby. And kind of the risks of infection, and that seemed to be the biggest kind of thing that was , they were worried about. And if you put a stitch in, and keep it all there, who knows what could happen. So I mean you said at that point, it suddenly gets really, really – moral, ethical decisions you’re making about should I – yeah, should we continue, should we? And I think for us, we’ve got a strong Christian faith, and so the idea of kind of terminating a pregnancy – it almost wasn’t, it wasn’t really an option. But then, then you’re also conscious of – you know – what’s the right thing for Lisa. And you don’t know all the statistics. And at the end of the day, they’re just statistics. So anyway, we talked to the consultant, and she was a lot more – She didn’t necessarily say anything different to what the other people had said, but just the way she said it, and. She was quite – just quite relaxed about things.