So have you had lots of support from friends and relatives and colleagues?

Oh, absolutely brilliant. The other room is similar to this one and people sent me cards and flowers and goodness knows what, and they would all go up on the window. This was the first time, and there were over two hundred cards all over the room and I wouldn’t take them down until I was in remission. So I had all this power and all the energy and all the love coming to me.

So, I mean, I have been so well blessed by friends and relatives and neighbours and people, when you’ve got cancer they are honest with you, they tell you what they think about you. They tell you what you have been like during your lifetime, what they have admired you for, what silly things you have done, you know, everything comes out. It’s sort of… it’s all in the general arena.

People, you know, it’s not like, people can live and die and never be told how wonderful they are. You have cancer and people come out with all kinds of things, which is good. It makes you feel good about yourself.

Weve talked about the support groups the healing groups and the importance of sharing things with people and not holding it in yourself. Have you been able to talk to close friends and family members, apart from people in those groups?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we don’t have much family. All our parents are dead. It’s a relief that mine aren’t here to go through this with me, but we do have a lot of friends and some very close friends and our phone bill went sky high, as did other peoples, phoning me. Yeah, I’ve kept a very open dialogue with lots and lots of people and I mean yeah we trod the road together really.
You and your husband?

Oh yeah. Absolutely. I mean weve always had a long and wonderful relationship but I didn’t think it could get so much better but it actually has done. I mean our depth of feeling is about a million times deeper than it was. We didn’t know that those depths were there but again going through something like this is incredibly bonding. And weve sat up in the middle of the night with pots of tea and tears and weve laughed and cried together. Weve been through the bad news together, weve been through the good news together and it’s made us value each other in a way we didn’t know was possible and that’s the great thing about this.

But the good thing that has come out of it is that it was like a wake up call, life doesn’t go on forever. Apart from cancer I’m getting old. I can’t run about with children the way I used to and take them to museums and things. But the good thing is I have a lot of friends because I have so many outside interests;

I was surprised at how very loving and kind they were. I had, I suppose in the first instance, I had about sixty cards from various people, all so loving and kind and so this has made me appreciate life and made me appreciate my family and friends and so this the good side and I’m determined to enjoy every moment of the life that I’ve got, which I do;

I love being with the children and I love my garden, I like gardening. I can do a bit at a time. So there is some good out of evil, you know, you’ve got to make it the way you want it to.

I always said that when I had breast cancer originally, although it was an awful experience a lot of good came from it. A lot of people with breast cancer have negative experiences about when they’re ill, in that their friends or relatives can’t cope with the situation and get very upset or won’t talk about it. I actually found the opposite;

People I hadn’t seen for years came and knocked on my door and said, ‘I heard you were ill. People sent me flowers and cards and letters and things. And it was actually quite humbling to see how much I actually got, people I didn’t even think would bother. It was great in that respect. I wish I hadn’t had breast cancer to find all these things out. And then, this thing about, you know, I’m going to die sort of thing, because of that I had an arrangement that I would go to the hospice, one of the local hospices one day a week. And I go on a Thursday. And they chose Thursday’s for me because they have a creative writing group there, and they thought that would be something that I would like to join in, and like everybody else who joins the creative writing group, I wasn’t really sure what it was. I thought we might be writing short stories or something nice like that, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing as easy as that;

Its not a very big group, at the moment theres only four or five of us, but, because were in that group lots of things happen to us. We get involved in lots of other things outside the hospice. Weve been involved in the production of a book. Weve even beem printed in a book, with other people with terminal illnesses. Weve been involved in an art project with the local castle museum. Weve had art work on display there, its still on display. Some of us were interviewed for a television program to do with the art thing. Weve also been involved now with another art gallery, in town, with photography. Were doing lots of photographs up at the hospice of different things to do with the hospice and different people. That’s going to be in an art exhibition, that opens in September;

I’d have never have done anything like that. You know, I was a busy woman I worked.When I first had breast cancer I worked fulltime. I had four children, my life was very busy. I didn’t have time to do things like that. And I’ve written poems and done painting and you know, done lots more sort of arty things at home that I’d never done, or had time to do before.

One other thing about being ill is that you have to talk to lots of people about very personal things. You have to talk to health professionals about your body and all that sort of thing;

And I’ve just realised that, I just said to you I’m very shy at parties and things and I don’t cope very well, and its just made me realise that in actual fact, since I’ve been ill, because I know that my life might be limited and I do feel a bit like I must go out and sort of grab things while I can, I think it gives you confidence actually to talk to people because I can say silly things or get embarrassed and I can just say ‘oh, it’s the tablets’ you know;

I take all these tablets. They make me go ‘wheurgheurgh’ and I can get away with a lot of things that I wouldn’t even have dreamt of attempting before. And, so it’s sort of given me a confidence and I said this to my counsellor a couple of weeks back;

I don’t think that I’m scared of anything now. I mean, I find some things very scary and there are lots of things I would be apprehensive about, but I’m not scared of any-thing. I’m not even scared of dentists or spiders any more, which is quite good. And it’s almost as if you’re worst fears have been met, so you don’t have to worry about them any more;

Hmmm. It puts things in a different light.

It does a bit. It does. It puts things in a different light. And so it is easier to go out and meet new people and do new things because you have to do it sometimes. And you manage all right, so you might as well do it other times as well. So I think being terminally ill has actually given me a lot more self-confidence. I think so.