Yeah, when you’re really down and depressed inside you don’t want to hurt other people, so you’re like, Oh yeah I’m absolutely fine, what are you on about? You’re making it all up. I’m absolutely fine And you like rally round and you make out you’ve got loads of friends, like, Oh yeah, so and so called me, we’re going to go out for a drink Or, We’re going to go out and grab a coffee or something like that And then I would end up going out, pretending to meet someone, and actually I’d just be on my own. And I’d just spend a couple of hours out in town on my own, just making sure that my Mum thought I was leading a normal life. So you know, just always smiling all the time. Texting people when you’re not actually texting anyone at all, you’re just constantly doing something with your phone, always on MSN talking to friends. I used to use chat rooms quite a lot, try and make some new friends. But generally weren’t in this country because then I didn’t have to meet up with them and, you know, incorporate them into my sad life.

And so why did you want to keep all this secret from your Mum?

Because my Mum suffers from depression as well, and I didn’t want to make her any worse, and I’ve always had the feeling that your family are there to support you whenever you need them, but to be honest I thought it’s my battle, I’ve got to fight it myself, they don’t need to be involved. And so I’ve always had that, I’ll keep everything to myself I’m always quite a shadowy person, I don’t tell anyone anything, my feelings are always kept to myself.

But then if I was really down and depressed that day, I’d go on a self harm websites, I’d look at eating disorder pages and stuff like that and, like pictures of suicide and self-harm and just like, stuff like that.

There’s graphic pictures on there of how to do it, step by step guides, ways to hurt yourself emotionally, physically, all that, there’s like loads and loads of poetry on there, which teaches you how to hate yourself even more, on the self-harm website there’s nothing good, absolutely nothing good. it’s all a downwards spiral. There’s loads of stories from other people that have experienced self-harm, those who have written their suicide plans. There’s even chatrooms where you can form suicide pacts, so, not good.

And so how were you using these sites?

I was using them graphically not to show my pictures, but to see how other people had self-harmed. I also did join a suicide pact at that point when I was about twelve, however a couple of years’ later I realised that it was a silly idea and I got out of it, but it was a group of four or five of us, all in a suicide pact from Australia, USA and here in England that when one that, something got too bad for all of us then we would because all commit suicide together.

Like sometimes you feel really depressed, you don’t want to go outside, you don’t want to see anybody, and then like, other times like you feel a bit more confident in yourself. I feel that food has a lot to do with that as well. Because like when you eat you feel, I think when you’re depressed you eat, and when like, when you are beginning to feel like less depressed the food could be like a comfort.

So its comfort?

Yes.

Comfort eating isn’t it? Okay. Were there other things going on in your life at that time, or you are feeling now?

You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, its just

Yes, yes, like family problems.

Okay, okay, so that was contributing to you.

Eating.

Eating. Okay.Has that eased up a little bit?

Yes, a lot. Like no I’m trying to eat less, trying to beliketalk aboutmy problems, rather than trying to burythem in food. I try to like something different, rather than try and eat food to like hope it will go. I think food is like very dangerous coping mechanism.

I don’t eat as much food but when I’m at home with nothing to do I’ll just eat and eat and eat and no exercise. That’s what used to happen.

It used to happen, yes? Because now you seem to be quite busy?

Yes.

How often are you doing things with your youth programme?

Well right now we’re kind of busy because we’ve got the summer coming up. So I’ve being doing it two times a week and for the whole summer it will be like everyday. Yes, so right now I’m kind of busy but not as busy as I could be. But I’ll trying to exercise more so

I mean we just didn’t get it, you know, I take my hands up to that we just didn’t have any control, we didn’t have control, my parents didn’t have control, we allowed it to happen, and that, and then when it did really become a problem for her. I suppose it wasn’t until she was much older really because she wasn’t the sort of child that got bullied, she never got bullied at school, she never really had any… you know, she was always seen as the ‘big fat mama’ sort of thing, you know, and people quite liked the ‘big fat mama’ and she was, you know, sort of the other kids used to sort of if they’re with her at least she would look after them and she was always very supportive and motherly and that. But I think as she got older and she didn’t want to be seen always as the one that was there to look after everybody else and to be sort of, you know, the protector, and she sort of wanted to be sexy [name] and she wanted to be the one that people were attracted to and not the one that people came and spoke to about their problems you know.

And then it started to become an issue but then it’s always been a problem of control, and that sort of part of her thinking.. I want to be, I want people to accept me the way I am and so therefore not wanting to sort of take control because she’s sort of feeling, Why should I? This is who I am and people should like me for who I am. And then another part of her sort of recognising that actually I should do something about it really because it’s unhealthy and it is hard, it is much harder, and she’s always sort of struggled with those sort of two extremes really and she still continues to struggle with those two extremes. Now she’s in a position that she’s got a boyfriend so she’s feels comfortable, she’s got someone that likes her for who she is. She’s happy doing the things that she’s doing, and that, she feels, because there was a point were she did start shortly after, I can’t remember whether it was before she did Transformed or after, and that, but she developed sort of anxiety problems, and that, so she was suffering quite badly from depression and anxiety and she was on medication and she saw counsellors anyway a lot of it was put down to sort of, you know sort of weight issues and just not really facing up to things I suppose not really taking control, but she seems to have worked her way through that, she seems to have got over that. Because she’s very bright and I think she was, you know, she had a road set out for herself and I think she feels quite bad that she didn’t go to university at the time she was meant to go to university and follow that journey that she was meant to follow because all of a sudden everything came crashing down on her and she just couldn’t cope with being in a classroom situation, she just couldn’t cope with other people, she started to really, she wouldn’t even get on a bus at one point, and that, she got really, really, so I think she feels really hurt that that happened to her and she had to go through all of that.