Yes that was the gynaecologist

And, when the doctor told me I felt like, yes I already knew. That’s how I felt. I already knew that this was it, but I was too scared to say it because I could have been wrong.

And so she sent you to a psychiatrist?

Yes. She sent me to a psychiatrist, and had he had time with me he would have explained the effects of the medication and told me what the medication was, because I don’t think he told me. Or maybe he did tell me but it didn’t register.

So because I had worked in an aged care facility, one evening I went to work and my supervisor in that facility – I got there and I said look I feel, I just didn’t feel like coming to work. She said why? I said, I don’t know. I just wanted to call in sick, but I don’t know how to tell lies and she said ah, why are you, why do you feel that way? I said I don’t know. She said have you worked anywhere else? I said no. I just woke up this morning, didn’t want to come to work; didn’t want to do anything.

So she kept asking me leading questions and then she said you know something, you should go and see your GP. You sound depressed. Talk to him about how you are feeling. That was my supervisor.

So a day later I went to my GP and the receptionist asked me, oh what can I do for you? I said I have come to see the doctor. My supervisor said to me I should come and see the doctor because she thinks I’m depressed and I think the receptionist knew there and then, she made an appointment for me immediately.

And, I saw a doctor who I really like – a female doctor. She was very nice to me.

I was about 15, so I didn’t really, I didn’t really understand anything at all, really. Looking back, you know, you were 15, what do you know. You know, you think you know everything but you know nothing. you know, I was really well read, so I did, I did have an idea of what depression was – like I had what I thought depression was I should say. I didn’t really. I found out it was more faceted than just being sad and lonely andfeeling distressed all the time. I felt, I found that it was a lot more deep and a lot more intense than that could possibly be. it’s a lot more than sadness. People think depression, they think sadness. Depression and sadness are quite different I think. Cause, sadness is, is a baby compared to the mother that is depression, you know, it’s – yeah.

And what I got from the diagnosis was that you know, it’s a treatable disorder. It’s not something that’s – you know, it’s not terminal, it’s not – it’s chronic, yes, but it’s not something that can’t be managed or fixed. Well, not fixed but managed and to a point where you can still live as a person, wanting to do the things you want to do. You just need a lot of therapy and some, maybe drugs, you know, it’s…

Wellit’s hard to remember. I guessin a way it did make me feel a little bit better because all those things that I’d been experiencing were caused by something and that was comforting. But then you know, you go through the whole, What’s wrong with me? Why do I have this? Why don’t they have this?’ And then, then yeah. But , it was good because then you had a label for it so when you were like seeking help or looking for a service provider or another doctor you could say, you know, I need help with depression,’ rather than, Oh this is going on; I don’t know what it is’, and yeah. So it was good in a way. Yeah, it was good.

Soeah, and I needed to hear what he had to say cause he didn’t – I said something to him and he said, I’m not, I – save that for the counsellor. I thought, Ooh, lots of empathy here, come on’, but I know what you know, he, he was after diagnosis, a diagnosis not , not to listen to the sad story kind of thing, so, ah, and that was good cause that was the approach I favoured anyway by that stageand I was able to walk out saying, Well OK, no I’m not this, I’m not that, I’m, you know, basically I’m, as he said, severely depressed. And he said, You suffer severe depression, it’s been getting worse since your mother died, you probably had the foundations for it long ago in your childhood but it’s come, it’s built up, you know, since she, she died and , and, and it’s severe depression,’ and he said, which I found at the same time as challenging, also reassuring, he said, You do know it cost you your career,’nd I thought, Yes, you know, it did. I resigned a few years ago, nd I resigned from tenureo, yeah, it didt – and that, that, it was challenging to hear that but it was also an enormous, it was also an enormous relief because I felt, I felt someone had now diagnosed what it is I can actually now deal with it. I don’t have to, you know, take a medication that I don’t know anything about or don’t know what it’s for or you know, so it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

A lot of conflicts. I was caught stealing when I was young, and all those sorts of things. But when I was 19, and I had that dream, the next day I went to a sexual assault counsellor, and the floodgates opened, and I could recall every single thing about, the place where the abuse happened. I could’ve drawn a map of it and shown where the skateboard was, and where this was and that was – the smells, everything. But once the floodgates were kind of opened, and that – and I thought well here I’ve got a – I’ve got a starting point.

So the sexual assault counsellor suggested I go and seek, you know, some information, and just start a – a journey, if you will, to find, to learn about what was going on. So I went to a doctor who diagnosed me as having depression.

It’s really interesting to try and make the connections, and even psychiatrists who diagnose me now, normally the diagnosis will start with, ah, Clinton’s mental history is complex, and then go into a five page analysis of it.

And in some ways I’ve stopped searching for – for actual labels to what I – to what I have. The last diagnosis that I got was very helpful, but if you look back across the last five diagnoses I’ve had you can include ADHD, bipolar two, post traumatic stress disorder, major depression, general anxiety disorder, and a list – there’s – there’s a – there are other – other ones in there as well.

And – so what I’ve had to teach myself is, I guess, that there’s this spectrum, and that I’m contained somewhere within that spectrum, but it’s not a straight line. It’s almost a three dimensional plane. And this might be the bipolar spectrum, this might be the depression spectrum, and I’m over here somewhere, you know. And I have to take into account that there may be questions that I’m seeking to answers about what’s going on in here that I’ll never find the answers to. And so I more look at – at the history, but also the reactions that I have to situations that I’m faced with, and I try and learn from my reactions, and see if they give me some…

She was a German lady and she didn’t say that I was depressed; she said that she thought I had some imbalance in my serotonin and that I probably should take some medicine and to give it a go. She didn’t use the word depression at all and I was ready to give anything a go and so I did and I – the way I felt when I was depressed, it was just like unhappy but in not being able to cope with anything, starting to cry at nothing.

I’m a very strong person and people expect me to be able to do pretty much everything that needs to be done, and whenever I was upset I’d just start crying, usually with my boyfriend, who wasn’t a very good boyfriend, and so that probably helped for it to not be good. And I would feel – how would I feel? Yeah, just anxious, really anxious and then not being able to let things go; let problems go, and I would cry and I would cry and not be able to stop crying.

And then one day I decided she – one day it was really bad and like I was just upset, crying, not wanting to do anything and the main feature of my depression was crying; crying and not, and not doing anything, not wanting to do anything. And she (a friend) said, I think this is – this is medical. This is – you have to go back to your doctor; you have to go back to your doctor, and so I did. And I went back to the doctor and I walked into the doctor and sat down and just started crying and she just said okay, I think you need to go back on the medication and I don’t even know if we even used the word depression. I can’t remember, but it was definitely understood. Yeah, it was interesting.

Okay. So I’ve had two rounds of depression. One wasn’t diagnosed but looking back it was depression, and the second one was diagnosed. Both of them were to do with small children and giving birth. So both – the second one was diagnosed as antenatal depression, I was diagnosed at five months with my second child, five months pregnant.

I was diagnosed with antenatal depression and that diagnosis then seemed to just carry over. So because I’d been diagnosed with depression during pregnancy and the symptoms hadn’t alleviated then I got rolled in. So it wasn’t – the diagnosis of antenatal depression, my stomach fell and I thought, oh great, because I’d been there. And so, yeah, I wasn’t very happy. In fact, I got quite cross at the doctor at the time. And it took me a few days to get my head around it, that, you know, things were going to have to change and I was going to have to become active and actually do something about managing myself. And I wasn’t very happy about, you know, it wasn’t fair.

It really didn’t feel fair about why, I’ve already been through this once and managed to get through it, why does this have to happen again? And then the guilt started. Well, if I’d, you know, tried to get help the first time would I be going through it the second time and blah, blah, blah. And I really wasn’t going to go through another year of what I’d been through with [daughter].

We left [place name] at when I was 14. We come up to [place name] with the family cause both my sister and myself had to go onto dialysis. Yeah that was a harrowing experience.

Ah I think I grew up, grew up in the state of mind, sorry not grew up, but had that state of mind every time you went into hospital was this going to be it? Was I going to die? Because when you went in there it was like Russian roulette. Three people passed away on the machine. And my perception now is and what I’ve learnt is that as a child and you’re in that formative years yeah it can seem like that. So I was 16, I was offered a kidney transplant, my sister also had one six months before me. So my sister and I have very similar lives. Ah, we’re the best of friends. I’m always there to support her cause she’s worse off than me. That’s my perception.

That was the first time I was actually diagnosed with depression and that was the first time I was introduced to antidepressants. There is, sorry there was mentioned that there is a very good possibility that I, from an early age, was on that gradual decline to depression.

I was told in about 1999 that I had possibly some type of anxiety issue, because I kept collapsing for no reason. So I was’d be walking down the street and just collapse, but I was awake and I was fully lucid and everything but I just was collapsing for no reason. So then I was referred to a neurologist who believed I had epilepsy and it made perfect sense that he would think that and I was put on anti-epileptic medication for about a year and a half, but it still didn’t stop, my collapsing didn’t stop and I was feeling really sad as well and very upset with my job that I was having at a particular time. I found it very difficult to get out of bed to go to work.

And so it got to the stage where I was at my job and I ended up collapsing so much that I couldn’t actually get up and then I was taken to hospital. And when I was taken to hospital the doctors worked out that the anti-epileptic medication I was on was actually causing me to sort of collapse even more and not be able to get up and that it was unlikely that I had epilepsy.

So I took a few months off work, because I was forced to take some months off work to try and work out what was happening. And after I was given some type of test to check all the electrons in my head, not the electrons in my head, sorry, I had this like sort of thing on my head where it was conclusive proof that I didn’t have epilepsy. Then a psychiatrist was referred to me. The psychiatrist spoke to me about essentially about my anxiety. And I was feeling very anxious about my job, about what was going on generally in my life. And so then she suggested that I might have some form of depression. And so she suggested that I try Zoloft (sertraline), which is a type of anti-depressant. I was on a very small dose for about a year. Then I took myself off Zoloft, with the assistance of my GP.

So after that I was feeling pretty good for a while and I had always believed that I had anxiety rather than depression.

So it wasn’t until I got on the website that I actually found out what I had’ depression and anxiety and – I ended up going to see a doctor. I guess it’s the way for most people that you wait until you really hit the wall and it’s – your life is falling apart, for you to sort of say, well something must be wrong. And so my marriage was nearly falling apart, my job, I couldn’t do that anymore, so that was kind of not going well and – and being suicidal, I went and saw a doctor and I explained to him how I was feeling and, what was going on and he just said straight out, you’ve got depression and, and I’m prescribing a medication for you which is more on the anxiety side of things.

I reckon it took me about three months before I filled that script. I just – it took me a long time to see a doctor because I didn’t want him to actually confirm my worst fears, which was that I would have depression. I mean I’m – I’m in the prime of my life I was doing quite well in terms of my career. I’m married, I’ve got three kids, I’m financially secure, I’m fit, I’m healthy, and I just thought, I just can’t have depression, I just can’t. I mean, I don’t have any other health issues, I don’t, you know – at the time I didn’t smoke, drink or – I drink now, but – self medication.

But I just thought, I can’t have – I’m, I’m educated, I’ve always done well career-wise. I couldn’t face it, so it took a long time to even see a doctor, but even longer to fill the script. I just couldn’t take pills, I just could not take anti-depressants, I’m just sort – because to me that was like the weakest thing in the world. I just thought, I just must be weak if I’ve got to take anti-depressants, so there’s something that sort of says, you know, just cut it out, just push on, get through, you’ll – it’ll – you’ll get over it, it’ll work out. So I kept going.

Some people are more resilient than others. Why so I don’t know. It could be half genetic, half you know childhood, upbringing. Ah, it may just be luck. It may be just their supportive network, not just themselves that they are that resilient.

Some people break – very fragile and break very easily. That is a mystery to me too, and there would be a link, you know, ah, between all of us human beings in that kind of relation of various types of emotion. I think we all can become psychotic given enough trauma, though. So I think it is very hard to make list and to tick and categorise people in diagnosing mental health.

So that’s, that’s my point anyway. I don’t think the diagnosis criteria here now is covering enough, is in-depth enough to detect in a less clinical way either depression or more severe or psychotic tendency. But to give some constructive feedback on those criteria I am not a professional, I cannot do that yet.

And no-one’s really ever died of, for example, panic attacks, which I had gone through – I didn’t mention that before but I had probably a year or so of really bad panic attacks and I grew out of that, because I realised that it was just panic and uh occasionally I had to stop the car because I was afraid that I would be – get so panicky I would run off the road or crash or something. And thankfully I’ve realised I’ve beat the bluff in that way.

So yeah , your sense of self diminishes the more you just see yourself as a depressive or a schizophrenic or as a, you know, eating disorder, because people often are labelled that and they become that and they live down to it. And that – they make that as an exc-excuse, Well I can’t do anything because I’m a bipolar two, there’s my excuse. And then people will say, Okay,’ and they don’t challenge us to live above that. I don’t believe that.