Alright basically from a young age my mother was a heroin addict. And I think I basically lived in that home for six years with her being a user, a needle user also had the brothers and sisters. And obviously saw the debt of that and saw the way it can also ruin people’s lives and basically how obviously it can change a person. And so obviously didn’t get the best upbringing because of that. Ended up being put in care

And from that I lived in, fast track again, but I lived in a shared housing and that on a day-to-day basis was just teenagers drinking and I did get involved in all that and it was a day-to-day basis but it was just seen at the time as a teenage thing to do, to go out and drink with your mates and things like that. But I don’t think, like I never, but obviously I’ve never looked back and seen that I was actually in need of it every single day and things like that but you just find it as sort of a depressant to sort of make you think the situation is not the situation itself but I don’t think I could ever, even at nineteen years old I could never turn to that as a way out because it’s not a way out and it’s highly addictive, highly expensive and it does ruin lives. And sort of you do obviously put people at second best when you choose to let that addiction take over really.

But generally from a lot of people in care and things like that, you know, they do obviously see alcohol and drugs as the way out because that’s what they’ve been brought up around and they’ve seen that. And I think that’s why it’s a very vicious circle to sort of put that on, basically drink to sort of override that problem and it sort of, you know, even a sort of nasty circle that goes around and round and round really.

But when I was seventeen, I’ve been in a violent relationship since I was fifteen as well, so kind of I think all that adds to it as well, but then obviously not living at home and having that stability, no obviously I know it’s my own fault but, and then as I was seventeen really bad experience happened in my life and I turned to Cocaine because I was working as a well so I had money, I had no child then, and every single weekend, even during the week I was just going out and, that was my escape route, but then every morning I would just feel so down and depressed and everything would just seem a thousand times worse, but then I’d go out and do it again and that’s all I wanted to do, I didn’t want to deal with anything head on I just wanted to go and just get obliviated that’s what I wanted to do, that was my aim.

Okay, so would you say that [sighs] your main reason for using drugs was because of this partner?

Yes, yeah, I didn’t have a clue beforehand, I didn’t have a clue about anything, I was very na√Øve at that age, didn’t have a clue about sex, drugs, relationships, anything I think it was all pushed on to me and such a short pace, short space of time and [sighs] too much to take in really [laughs].

[Laughs]. Were you being affected by depression before you met him or it was?

No not really.

Not really?

I think, I met him and it was all just like, well it was a different world to what I’d be used to, because I was quiet, didn’t have many friends, I had body issues wasn’t particularly happy.

Why were you not particularly happy or?

I was overweight, didn’t have many friends, I didn’t enjoy school, but with this partner, despite all the bad times we did have good times and it just offered something else.

And at school were you bullied because?

I was bullied at school yeah because of my weight.

Okay so am I correct in saying that you were looking at yourself in a negative way?

Oh yeah definitely, yeah.

So this guy comes around and sort of…?

Yeah, Oh you’re beautiful, oh I find you really attractive.Well to be fair an eighteen year old shouldn’t be saying that to a thirteen year old, but at [laughs] at that age I was like, wow I’m completely like, fallen for him, because I did at the time but, I don’t know.

So was friends at this school were very few or?

Yeah very few, I’ve never had close friends at school, acquaintances you might say, I rarely went out with friends from school, didn’t go round their houses, have them round mine, so…

I was, I was quite lonely.

But when I was seventeen, I’ve been in a violent relationship since I was fifteen as well, so kind of I think all that adds to it as well, but then obviously not living at home and having that stability, no obviously I know it’s my own fault but, and then as I was seventeen really bad experience happened in my life and I turned to Cocaine because I was working as a well so I had money, I had no child then, and every single weekend, even during the week I was just going out and, that was my escape route, but then every morning I would just feel so down and depressed and everything would just seem a thousand times worse, but then I’d go out and do it again and that’s all I wanted to do, I didn’t want to deal with anything head on I just wanted to go and just get obliviated that’s what I wanted to do, that was my aim.

So the worst time I’ve ever been very bad on drugs was when that, well, what happened was my boyfriend, there’s just loads of things around it, he locked me in the cupboard and he tried to set fire to me and tried to kill me, and there was loads of, obviously he pulled me down the stairs and a lot more mentally controlling stuff that he did to me within this space of time, and it was only then that he went to prison and I turned to Cocaine and the drink, that’s the worst I have ever been for drugs, that’s the worst I have ever been.

Okay when he was in prison?

[Affirmative noise] because I don’t know how to deal with nothing, I didn’t want to talk about nothingand obviously that’s why I ended up losing my job, I look back on it now and I think there’s no way, I was just heading for like a big downward spiral thing [sighs].

Okay and how old were you then?

Seventeen.

I’m the classic drug addict, alcoholic, nicotine addict, sex addict described in a doctor’s opinion at the beginning of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. When a drug of choice enters my body several things start to happen and I experienced this the first time I drank alcohol, alcoholically when I was 12 years old. When I take a drink of alcohol into my system it starts up what we describe as the phenomenon of craving which means that I am entirely powerless to stop myself drinking. Now that might be 3 glasses, it might be a 2-day spree. But that started the very, very first time that I drank alcohol. I would never be able to predict how much I would be able to drink. I would never say with any great certainty whether I could stop. That’s the physical effects of my addictions. Alcohol was the first but in time I, god you name it, I’ve been addicted to it ‘ cigarettes which I’m still going through sadly, then later on drugs and also compulsive sexual behaviour. Those are my four big ones really in terms of addictions.

When I was 6 or 7 years old long before I’d taken drugs or drank or anything like that I remember standing in the playground when I was a little boy and I felt all of a sudden a sense of profound disconnection from the world and from the little children playing with me. It was almost like a curtain, like an invisible barrier had formed around me and I felt entirely separate from the world. It took me years of misery and active addiction and when I say active addiction I mean drugs and alcohol. And it took me 2 Ω years of recovery to realise that that thing, that weird sense of disconnection is what we describe in AA as a spiritual malady. I’m disconnected from the world and I need my substance of choice, be it the drink, be it the drugs, be it the sex, cigarettes, whatever to reconnect me. The connection between the two, the spiritual problem and the act of addiction and that took me a long time in sobriety to get a grip on.