I’ve always been a bit of a lightweight to be honest, I’ve never needed much to get tipsy, and I’ve just never, never enjoyed the taste of beer say and this is the most common drink that people drink in the UK. So that put me off, it’s only now that I started to like stuff. I mean I’ll only drink cider now if I drink anything, that’s the only one I like to be honest. And I just, especially studying medicine has put me off ‘cos I realise how much damage it can do. Although having said that medic students do drink a hell of a lot, so, they are, they obviously don’t listen to their own medicine, so to speak. And it’s just never been something I’ve been particularly wanting to do to be honest.

I don’t drink alcohol, I never, I’ve never even tried alcohol. I don’t know if there’s something about it that’s almost sort of instinctively made me uneasy about it and this guy was like, That might have been one of the smartest things that you’ve ever done, if you really do have bipolar disorder cos that, that’s the sort of thing that bipolar disorder people are particularly susceptible to being dependent on and the other thing is that I had also prescribed anti-depressants, and didn’t take them. And he told me that anti-depressants are actually a really negative thing to prescribe to bipolars and that you have to approach it in a different way.

And so it was vindicating in a sense that it was like, okay, my reticence towards these treatments or things that normal people do were actually good decisions under this diagnosis.

Alcohol and drinking, alcohol generally is, alcohol is a depressant. And it makes you feel, it makes me feel better and I do admit I do self medicate. If I feel bad I do go, I’ll like, if I’m out I will have a drink, if like I’m nervous I will have a drink and I will feel better. It’s not a good way of doing it and I know it’s not. But people then sort of can mistake that alcohol for what’s making them feel better and even though it can make them feel ten times worse, and they just keep drinking because it does make them, de de de, and then you get into sort of alcoholism and blah blah blah, like the really extreme end.

Like as I said the drinking doesn’t help. Drinking, like with socially it’s fine. I’m not going to deny that. It’s part of the Uni, part of my Uni lifestyle. Like it’s my friends, it’s one of my mate’s birthday tomorrow she doesn’t know we’re going, like we’re surprising her tomorrow, with like a pub crawl and like a Nandos meal, ‘cos she’s obsessed with Nandos. But like that, like I would feel wrong, well not wrong, that’s definitely the wrong word to use, I would feel awkward if I went to a social situation like a house party, or if we went to a club, and be sober, just because I wouldn’t feel comfortable.

I won’t mind, having a couple of drinks does I mean it opens me up a bit, I can speak to people a bit easier. I can sort of I would usually feel a bit happier when I do it and it’s actually something I’ve been quite careful of, in the last five months is to deliberately limit the amount of alcohol I have cos I could see myself going down that path, if I let it happen. I could see how easily it could happen. So it’s something I’ve sort of tried to consciously at least limit.

But, yeah I mean it’s sort of, it doesn’t make, it makes me feel better for four hours and then feel crap for 18 [laughs], especially if you’ve done something stupid during the night. it’s not really a solution, it’s, I mean it’s great if I’m, if I’m going out with a couple of friends and I’m feeling a bit down, having a drink or two with them will often help, I won’t, I won’t deny that, I probably shouldn’t encourage people to drink, but it does help, but, not to excess I guess, I sound like a teacher but yeah. that’s true.

I’m not one for heavy drinking, never have been. And we, me and her met up with a couple of other girls that she knows,

And, the difference being you know the, the girls you know are quite big drinkers and they all kind of like to get absolutely hammered, and, I was like okay, you know, had a few, had a couple of drinks Alco pops, bearing in mind they’re more colouring and lemonade than vodka in them these days, and you know, carried on partying and whatever. And this was before the new licensing laws kicked in, so it was still 11 oclock kick out.

And I was partying away, dancing on the dance floor, and two of the girls went to the bar and bought a pitcher drink of Sex On The Beach, now didn’t not pick this up on the night that it happened, I just wish I had but we can all wish things. and the girls brought it back and as it usually is with four straws and all of that and the two girls that bought it wouldn’t drink it. Now why would you pay eight quid for a drink you won’t drink? But really, really didn’t think it that night. Really didn’t. Did not cross my mind at all.

And, drunk it yeah me and my, you know drunk it. And, the girls, once we, you know it had been last orders and everything and I remember nothing else at all from that night, at all. And the girls were all gonna go clubbing, I’m not really a clubby girl and I said well I’d arranged to meet my now, which was my boyfriend at the time, we’re now exes, gonna meet him halfway, and then go back to my parents, and the girls carried on clubbing and I went home. I do not remember how the hell I got home. I know now that I walked home and I met him half way.

His impression, his first impression was I was absolutely paralytic. Now I could not work out how, having had three Alco pops and it takes a lot of those to make me drunk. And he got me home, my parents weren’t impressed, cos obviously the first thing they see is daughter comes through the door, drunk, yeah, usual so parents weren’t impressed, and from then on the night became a living nightmare.

That after about half an hour of me being home, I started fitting, and having not had one in my life before rather a big shock to the system. I ended up in a-25-minute seizure, ambulance was called, paramedics were also in quite a state of shock, and obviously I was taken to hospital, blues and twos, straight to hospital, where they spent six hours trying to save my life.

And I think that whole night was the most, quickest blur, cos you’ve just literally gone from complete dancing around to complete nothing. And they managed to stabilise the seizures and everything and I woke up screaming that I couldn’t feel my leg.

And they couldn’t initially work out why, I was, once I was stabilised I was moved onto a ward, but I continued to deteriorate, I was having seizures every hour, and they just could not control it. And they just had no answers. We had no answers, they had no answers. Everyone was just as confused as everyone else.

That was a means of escape, you know, you’re drunk, you know, I had whatou start with two bottles of wine over a period of what, four hours, down the park, it was a bit cheap, cheap, 50p a bottle stuff, you know. it’s actually wallpaper stripper but they wouldn’t tell you that.

And, you know, me and my mates just got wasted because it makes you numb. And you’re so wasted you’re just sat there, you’re just going like that. And you, your mind is just blank. You’re fine, nothing’s wrong in the world, the only thing you want is a cigarette. I had enough of drinking, that’s fine and that takes your mind completely off depression. And it takes your mind off all the worries, all the stresses, everything, which is why I think people you know, some people do like binge drink, Get you know, How much you had today Four bottles of wine, 22 beers, half a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of Absinthe, you kno it’s like, Was you drunk it’s like you know, some people do that just to escape from reality, which I think does help with depression, in the short run. But in the long run you know at one point I was drinking 20 to 30 bottles of, of beer a day, a couple of years back, at my lowest point, I was at that for about a month, two months, and that was just to escape from everything, you know. Start at 9 in the morning, finish at 2 in the morning, you know constantly drinking. I even got to the point where my mates would just say to me, Look, you’re a wreck head. You drink far too much. Stop it You know, luckily I never had my stomach pumped or, or anything like that.

Cos my mates like, we were the youngest so we were sort of following the rest of them like, a year or two older than us, and really so we were like, they were all, we thought they were cool, we thought they were brilliant you know, like they were older than us like, they’d drink and they dressed cool and listened to cool music and they’d all got boyfriends and girlfriends. And you know, it’s sort of like, Oh sod you Mum you know, I don’t need you Just running about, complete anarchy and we thought it was brilliant.

We thought it was absolutely excellent the way like cos we were all like, well quite well off kids so like we were all from the middle class so like seeing all these kids do like all these other people doing all this stuff, we thought, Oh we want to do that

So we’d start going to a shop and getting drink, we were 14 and they were serving us, believing we were 18. We weren’t, you could tell we weren’t. And we just started drinking all sorts, started off on like cheap like cider like £2 for three litres and things like that and drink the whole bottle and be absolutely blitzed and try to go home and convince your parents you’re sober. And they knew you weren’t but they’d let you go to bed anyway, just to sleep it off. And then you’d get wrong in the morning, but you kept doing it and you, you’d start smoking and you’d, like, Ah, what are these doing in your bag Oh they’re just my mates You know, they were like fair enough, but you started going out with boys and you started doing stupid stuff that you shouldn’t have done. You started getting chased by the police and into loads and loads of bother, not just drinking but fighting with people.

But then by then I was already drinking every night. That had started when I was about 18. Cos I looked so young I could never get, I mean I could never get, a small village as well, they’d know how old you are like so there was no point. So by today’s standards 18, 19 it’s quite late to start drinking but yeah as soon as I discovered that instead of binging and making myself sick, two bottles of wine. And then I’d vomit anyway, cos of the wine, cos like my tolerance was really low then, well I know it’s a lot, but like compared to what it did get to, and I was just thinking genius, this is an adult thing, this is a grown up thing, grown ups drunk, drink, you know, children make themselves sick. I was like kind of almost pleased with myself that I’d found this adult mature way to deal with things, like, you know I felt quite grown up and sophisticated going in and buying my red wine and sitting in bed with my cigarette in one hand, and you know, like the Martian from space like, seriously, just 17 years old that was all like, but, and not so comical, but, yeah I just remember thinking well done you, you’ve beaten bulimia. I hadn’t, I’d just completely replaced it with something else, that was all.

How did that escalate then?

Well when it, it started off with, I was working in the pub till about 11 and then getting up to get the bus to college at about 6.30. And I couldn’t sleep; I’ve always, always had trouble sleeping. And whereas usually you know people get home, they have an evening to relax, chill out, go down, I didn’t I had to go to sleep then, otherwise I’d only get two hours sleep, yaddi yaddi yaddi, so I was just like, okay, neck a bottle of wine, oh pass out, lovely. It was, it was a way of getting to sleep really quickly. It was basically like it was my sleeping pills. Was just gobbling down like as much wine as possible so that I passed out. And then I was getting up and going to college and stuff cos I couldn’t stand that time between of being silent, being still, cos that’s when I’d usually be binging, or working or doing something. And I couldn’t bear to that, so I was like, oh get some wine. Cheap wine, I might add.

I like it in that Friends episode where Joey says, Who says Wine used to taste, cost more than milk That’s pretty much how I was. But, yeah it became, it was my sleeping aid. Basically. And became absolutely habitual and took over.

How did it take over?

Like a lot of people say like with alcohol abuse, it’s sort of like, it’s like going down in a lift, and at each stop you have the choice of getting off, like after the first time you get drunk, after the second time you black out, after the third timebut I didn’t, I just went crashing straight from one to the bottom. I went from having a drink to binge drinking every night. There was no in between where it got a bit more regular or anything like that. It was just, it was like I’d found the secret cure.

I was like, So this is what’s been missing You know like, cos I was socially inept, I didn’t know how to go out for a drink with people, stuff like that you know? I didn’t even have any friends anyway but, like then suddenly I was like, I was doing what all the other guys were doing, I was drinking. So what that it was alone in bed at night. Like with my head phones on. It didn’t matter, I was doing something grown up about it, I wasn’t being sick, cos that’s what young people do, you know, that’s what adolescents do, I’m grown up now.

When I was drinking and when I was drunk, in the short term I felt fine. In the long run it made me a million times worse. Because as I said it is a toxin, and it does hurt your body, and it just, it just makes you worse. it’s the chemical reactions in your brain and all that, it just affects it and you know, whatever you’re feeling, it’ll make you feel a million times worse. If you go to the pub and you’re happy, you drink, Whey you’re like a million times happier, if you go to the pub and you’re a bit down, a couple of pints later you’re you know, the worst person in the world.

I started drinking really bad. I mean I see, I see my counsellor for that every week but she’s on holiday at the minute. And she has helped me, ‘cos I was drinking 88 units a week, and I went down to 21 units. And then I haven’t drank for two weeks, and then the other day someone put a bottle of rum in front of me, but I mean I drank it. And I was, like I said, I was horrible to see, well to see the video tapes back at me do you know what I mean? I mean [friend’s name] was there, and he says, You change. You were bang… I was like doing things to hurt myself. Banging my head on the walls. I mean I’ve self harmed before and I’ve got all the scars.

I did things in reverse really, and it was like for a good two years before I managed it, I always, I’d been trying to go a night without alcohol and couldn’t do it. It took me a good two years to actually go to bed and wake up not drunk. And I got a taste of what that felt like and basically it’s been on and off ever since. Like one week I’ll be drunk every night, then I won’t drink for two weeks, and stuff like that. And I mean recently, this last year, is the first yearmaybe the last two years is that all I’m doing is punishing myself, doing this is not gonna get people to help you, it’s not gonna get someone to rescue you, you’re just going to fuck yourself up and it’s like at the end of the day all you wanted was somebody to notice how ill you are, and by the time you’re that ill, no-one’s watching. You’re on your own. When you’re finally ill enough, you’re on your own. it’s all very well taking a bow but if there’s not an audience there to clap, what’s the point?

So you just kind of realise well actually you know what, and it took a while, it took a really good few tries to like stop, not so much to stop drinking, I still socially drink, but I started to build a life for myself. I realised that I’d been in this city for like five years and I could name two people that maybe I’d be able to phone to go out for coffee or something. And since then I’ve done like evening classes, got voluntary work and stuff, and I get, it was literally starting from scratch, and building a life for myself. Because the entire reason I was drinking and stuff was to block out the fact that I had no friends, that I, you know like? So it was, it was about building a life for myself, and that’s taken like a good four years at least.

But when you consider that it took me, it took me 12 years to get fucked up, 4 years to get better isn’t exactly a big time frame, you know. Like you can’t smash a building down and then you know so it goes down in 30 seconds when you detonate, don’t it? But you can’t then rebuild it in exactly the same time that you’ve brought it down with, you know like it takes time work and but it’s worth it, cos it’s like, I don’t have much but what I’ve got I absolutely adore.