I received a letter advising me that I needed to make an appointment. So I did right away, yes, yes.

And what did the letter say?

It said that I had had an abnormal smear and that they would like me to make an appointment to have a second one, which was a bit worrying, because it’s the first time I’ve had an abnormal smear. But the letter was quite informative and it told me the reasons why. You know, it may not be that there’s something majorly wrong, it could be just they needed to retake it. And it came with a brochure, some other literature as well. So I wasn’t too worried.

So the information that came with it, do you think it was helpful? Did it tell you everything you needed to know?

Yes, yes, it did. I’m sure there were some websites on there as well that they pointed out if you wanted further information. But it was basically the beginning of the letter that said, that kind of put your mind at rest that it’s not necessarily that something’s wrong. But you can’t help thinking the worst. But, yes, it was okay.

And did you talk to anybody else about this?

I did tell my husband, and I did tell my sister as well, because I’d never had one before, so it was quite a surprise. Because obviously at my age I thought maybe I’d have had a few by now. But, no. So, yes, I did discuss it.

The first result I got was the slight abnormalities one. It was a shock, I didn’t really know what to think when I got the results. It kind of threw me for six, for a little while. I got the results the day before our work Christmas party and I was kind of humming and hahing about going anyway. And I kind of got the letter the day before, and I was just, that’s it, I am not going out celebrating. If I go out, I am just going to have far too much to drink and make an absolute fool of myself.

I was lucky because when I got that letter, I mean it said, We’ll call you back for a retest in six months. And that is all it said. But I had already got an appointment booked with my nurse, and I went to see her and talked it through and said, Well why six months? Why can’t I have the, you know, the repeat smear earlier. And she did explain about most people who have minor abnormities, after six months your body expels the virus, it fights it. It is all gone. And that is in effect what did happen to me. I mean I went back for my recall and it was perfectly all right. So she helped put my mind at rest, because I was a little nervous about it. And I must admit my nurse is really good to talk to about things like that, she explains things really well. If I haven’t had had that appointment, I probably would have panicked a bit more. But having had that discussion with her, it helped put my mind at rest and then I pretty much forgot about it, until I had to go back six months later.

I spoke to friends about it and some of those friends have had the experience of an abnormal smear anyway and they was okay afterwards. So yeah it was, I mean that 6 months went quite quickly and then after that I got a normal result, so that was good. And she said after that result Come back in a year, were not going to leave you 2 years, we will keep an eye on you, so that year make sure you come back. Which I did, that was another year that, I mean I felt quite safe but I was quite looking forward if you like to having that smear done again. So when that result come back abnormal I was quite, more choked than I was the first time really because I thought how can I get a normal one and then a year later it’s back to abnormal again.

I went for my normal smear test, not really thinking there was anything wrong until Igot letter through the door saying I’d got, they’d found some abnormalities and theywere referring to colposcopy. So I just like thought that I’d got cancer and I wasgoing to die because I’d just had this letter, this basic letter through the post. So I had a couple of days off work because I was like terrified.

Can you tell me more about that, those feelings?

It was awful it went on for quite a while I just thought you know I’d got cancer and that was it, because it didn’t say anything in the letter, it just said that I’d got abnormalities and they were referring me to colposcopy. So I wasn’t until I actually went for the colposcopy appointment that I felt better. And they assured me on the screen that I was just borderline and I hadn’t got cancer.

Well not tremendously panicky because I’d had a previous smear and I knew, positive smear, and I knew that what it was picking up was pre-cancerous cells. And I also knew that my previous smear had, the one that was positive was 95 and I’d had 3 yearly check-ups after that, cervical smears, so that whatever was there probably I’d be very unlucky if it had sort of developed into something really terrible in the intervening time.

I haven’t been particularly worried because I think when I went to the hospital they told me there was a school of thought that when you’re going through the menopause some people do get abnormal cells which then right themselves after the menopause and that was quite reassuring because that’s what seems to have happened in my case. It didn’t progress, it was just one of those things and it’s reverted back to being normal. And that was very reassuring actually.

I just felt really, I suppose I was just really shocked because I was so healthy. I just, it was one of my fittest times, I was at a health club and I used to swim and walk miles and I just thought I wouldve known something was wrong. And I thought oh, you know they may have got it wrong.So I wasn’t too worried at the time, I thought oh, the next test that I have, it’ll show that theres nothing wrong. I suppose I was very optimistic in those days.

Oh no not again really. Just that, just frustrated really I thought will there ever be a clear one it’s just, just really frustrating and not really looking forward to knowing that I might have to go through all that treatment all over again really. So I wasn’t very pleased but I wasn’t worried or frightened. I mean the first time that that all happened and I had treatment, the first time it’s like oh my God I’ve got cancer oh no and of course it’s not that at all. So because of all the things in the past when that letter came through it was like oh no not again, I really don’t want to go through all that treatment again, but it wasn’t the same panic and fear and thinking oh I’ve got cancer as it was the first time when I got the letters. And with the first time you know after finding I had an abnormal smear and then going back for the repeat smear, back then, that’s when it was all explained Well no you haven’t got cancer, you don’t need to worry, it’s just abnormality, a small abnormality that can be treated very easily and it’s not a problem. So after that initial first panic it was all explained and my mind was all put to rest completely. So yes with this one it wasn’t that initial fear and panic it was just oh not again.

I was terrified, that was it, I actually thought that you know if I, sorry from the first time I had the smear too, I don’t know whether it was that day that he told me that it had progressed from the first time that I went it had progressed to the next stage and that was in, within 4 or 5 months so that was scary to me. Because I was on the last stage the next stage was cancer, that’s what he had told me so it was very scary.

Yes I went for my regular smear and then I was sent a letter saying that it had come back with a minor irregularity, there were pamphlets and they were explaining everything about it and reassuring notes along the lines of This, occasionally this happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong but we recommend that you have another smear in 6 months and if the abnormality is still there then to seek further advice. And so I went for the second smear 6 months later.

You did, you waited 6 months?

I waited 6 months yes. Well I made some calls at the time and I discovered that really if anything were to develop it would, the advice I got was that with the kind of abnormality that I had and sorry I can’t remember exactly what it was called but with the kind of abnormality that I had it would take a number of years for it to develop into anything that couldn’t have anything done about it which I found very reassuring and so I, I was able to rest assured that waiting 6 months wasn’t going to put me in any jeopardy, or that’s how I felt given the advice that I’d been passed, had been passed to me

No I haven’t actually I was, I mean I’ve spoken to my mother and she, because she knows people that have had experience of things they all reassured me don’t worry, you know even if it, even if there is a little something that it’s probably not that major. Because I’ve got people around me that are very reassuring it hasn’t caused a concern, I haven’t you know I haven’t really, I’ve kind of put it to the back of my mind really and in 6 months time when I go back then that’s , that’s when I address it. It’s not, the doctor has told me 6 months you don’t need to address it until then, so I’ve, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I suppose one half of me was saying I was, I was very frightened, the other half of me was saying no, its nothing to worry about. And those two halves were in conflict, if you like.

How do you cope with those types of feelings?

I try to be as logical as possible, and try to, try to look on the positive side, try to find out about things so okay even if it were the worst case situation then, they had said to me Weve caught it very early then the chances of survival are very good. So I think generally I’m a positive person so I guess I was looking more positively than, that, so I always try to do that.