What else do I do? Oh, well, I feed him when I’m there sometimes. I give him his lunch. He quite likes me to do that because I’m not sort of, you know, I can let him take his time and not, he has to be fed with a teaspoon as well because too much he, his throat, it will he will cough and it will go into the lungs and there’s a danger of respiratory pneumonia coming with that. So if you give him a big mouthful he can’t cope with it. So it’s usually a small teaspoonful at a time but he enjoys his food. He eats well. So and, of course, he has to have looks like mousse every lunchtime, as far as I can tell, but if he has, say, a sponge pudding, a syrup sponge pudding but there’s loads of custard on it, it’ll all be mashed. So he can have that or apple crumble providing it’s got lots of custard on it and you can smash it all up and he enjoys that. But ice cream, things like that, he can’t eat because it hits the back of the throat and it makes him cough and that then goes down the wrong way.

The finances and everything, which he had always dealt with and that is the most difficult thing and I’ve said to friends, you know, that if, you know, for goodness, that they’re still a couple, for goodness sake, if you don’t do any of the family finances, learn how it’s done so that when and if you’ve got to do that. it’s better, if my elder daughter didn’t get me on the computer and teach me to do everything on the on the computer with it, I still make mistakes even after all this time, after two years. I said, Well, I can’t make my account balance And she, Oh, I’ll come and sort you out And, of course, fees have to be paid every month so I’ve got to make sure there’s enough money to cover that. I think that’s that, that most difficult thing.

So what kind of things do you feel you have to keep control of now that he’s in the nursing home?

Well, the finances, for a start. Learning how to live alone for the first time ever. I married from my parent’s home and where I lived, twenty two, then lived with Jim, so I’ve never lived alone. That’s not easy. Sounds as though I’m terribly dependent on people, doesn’t it? But I’m, I’m trying , I’m not but there are things that I, you know, I can’t cope with and blessed PC is a, you know, if you hit the wrong key it, I think, Oh, crumbs. Now what do I do And inevitably, I have to phone up one of the girls and say, I’ve got such and such. What do I do Things like that, you know, and it I suppose it, I get, I’m annoyed with myself for not being able to do it or controlling that. On the television, this switch over that we’ve just, digital thing we’ve just done this week and I haven’t a clue what to do. Okay. I could have paid someone to come in and do it but I, that goes against the grain because Jim’s always done it. He’s always been able to do these things. I’ve never wired a plug in my life. That’s an example. I can’t get up in the loft because I’ve got two knee replacements and I just haven’t got the strength in my knees to get up the ladder into the loft. So I’m reliant on sons-in-law, when they come, Would you mind I mean I’ve got to ask my son-in-law this weekend, Would you mind going up in the loft for me You know. I hate having to ask. But I’m learning.

As for me, well, I find it very difficult. I can’t I can’t see a way forward. I feel as though I’ve got a brick wall in my front of me. I can’t see under it, round it or over it until he goes I suppose. I’m grieving now but, you know, he’s not the man I’ve lived with her for fifty two years anymore. And, and that’s why my daughters thought it would be an idea for me to have some counselling, which I’m going to do.

So do you go visit him all the other days then, every day?

Well, no. Well, I interchange it with my daughter. I usually try and go Saturday or Sunday. Sometimes I’ll do both and then I won’t go Monday but I’ll go Tuesday because I just don’t feel I can go to both, do it all. My daughter might go on a Thursday. She has a busy life anyway and so she has to fit it in with her life. I know that she’d drop everything in an emergency, you know, if we got a call everything would get dropped. And my younger daughter comes up once a month with her husband and dog [laughs] because Jim does love to see the dogs. And they make a fuss of him and jump on his lap and give him kisses and he laughs. He likes it.

I suppose I think when I’ve been to see him, like I’ve been to see him today, I come home and think, Oh, I’ve, I’ve done.. I feel I’m doing a duty now because if I let it, if I took down the brick wall, it would destroy me I think. I can’t let it I can’t let it because I’ve still got to keep control ofah, what was going on.

Seems to be when I know I’m going to see him, I don’t feel I can do anything else other than get up, have some breakfast if I want it and get myself showered and dressed. Whereas if I’m, if I’m not going to see him I suppose I do approach the day slightly differently. I might take a cup of tea back to bed or something and, and something like that or watch the news on TV in bed or something, whereas I stay up and I, if I know I’m going to see him it’s
Because I’m limited, restricted actually, my mobility is restricted. So you know, I miss him in a, so many ways really. If I drop something or it went under a chair, you know, he’d go down on his hands and knees and get it. I can’t do that or I drop something on the floor in the kitchen, he’ll pick it up for me or he would have picked it up for me, yeah. You don’t know, just I don’t know. He’s here but he’s not.

And I said earlier, really he’s, he’s not my husband anymore. He’s a poor man who’s very ill. Okay, one I know extremely well but he’s not, the character isn’t there anymore really. The persona’s not there anymore.

And that’s been a gradual process, presumably.

it’s been gradual. As I said to you, for years now I’ve had to live a day at a time. On the one hand, I think if only he could just fall asleep and not wake up it would be wonderful for him and for me because I don’t know that I’m going to be able to cope.

Anyway, he cannot contribute anything to his own life let alone mine or anyone else’s. He can smile. He can make jokes, I can, I can tease him and he’ll smile or he’ll, he’ll try and, he always used to be able to make me laugh, you know. All during our married life I would, you know, we’ve had, we’ve had rows or arguments and but it would always sort of never ever can take, you know, continue day after day. It was, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? Sulking. Well, he could sulk but not for long. And, and we’d end up laughing, how stupid we’d been or something, you know, and he had a nice sense of humour but that’s gone.