I mean, occasionally you might deal with somebody when you’re trying to close a bank account or whatever it might be, or inform the AA, you know.People take a bit of a deep breath and sometimes you can see they don’t know what to say.And I have found the best thing to say is, just to say, I know you don’t know what to say, don’t worry, it’s fine. I’m coping. I just need to deal with this practical thing with you

Hmm.

And then they just do.And that’s fine. But I haven’t had anybody whos been really insensitive at all, and I can’t really believe that because, you know, looking on the WAY Foundation website so many people have dealt with people that have been insensitive andhorrible to them and I just haven’t had that at all.

The things that helped me the most at the beginning were planning the perfect funeral, setting up the bursary and doing the media stuff (to raise awareness about bipolar disease).I felt driven to ensure that David would be remembered through fitting tributes for the exceptional man that he was and I didn’t really care how many hours in the day or night it took to achieve that end. Listening to David’s music (he had an enormous collection) and seeing our friends and family helped too. Then our daughter was born, and although it has been tiring, looking after her has probably saved me from going under. She is part of David but also, of course, an amazing little person in her own right and she gives me her biggest smiles when I really need them! I have also just started seeing a counsellor from Cruse and think that is going to be helpful. Finally, there is an email support group for those widowed by suicide – a spin off of the WAY email support group – and I am finding that especially helpful, as so many of the emotions expressed are so similar to those I have felt.

What about your feelings at the time of his death towards other people, health professionals? Have you got anything you would like to add about the way other people were looking after him before he died?

I was interviewed for local radio because I was trying to raise awareness about bipolar disorder and I remember that the guy who was interviewing me said, Did I think if he’d been diagnosed earlier, because of course he was diagnosed only five days before he walked out of the hospitaland died.Did I think it would have made a difference?And I had to think quite carefully about it, but I think the thing is it’s just impossible for me to know and therefore because, because again the sort of other implication of that question is the, the doctors and psychiatrists that you, you know, that you had, could they have done any more than they did?I think on balance the answer is no.I mean, we had a great GP, who, you know, gave us a lot of time, wasn’t at all dismissive, was very caring and interested in David, was really sort of talking things through and really trying to understand what was inside him, what was motivating him when he was sort of asking to try different things.She was great.And then the, the NHS psychiatrist that we had, who was attached to a local hospital, he was also really good.David and I had a lot of respect for him. He seemed to, you know, I want to say he seemed like a really nice guy, somehow that sounds irrelevant.

Hmm.

You know, somebody whos doing his job, but it wasn’t irrelevant, you know, he clearly understood his job.You know, David had dealt with other people before in the past that he felt didn’t have, didn’t have any kind of sympathy or empathy, and he really felt that this guy did.You know, he really liked him and that was really important.And David was always, I thought, a really good judge of character, whether he was depressed or not, he was a good judge of character. And I think that this psychiatrist did everything that he knew how to do and he would, he had, I think the main thing that I liked about him was he had a lot of respect for David.He didn’t try and take his autonomy away.He didn’t just say, Right I’m going to try this with you next.I’m going to try that.He would talk it all through with David, and with me, because towards the end David said, could I come in, and the psychiatrist said, Yes that was absolutely fine.I think because he just wanted, the psychiatrist was happy about it because he wanted to see somebody who knew David very well and might give a slightly different answer than David was giving at the time about how he was feeling, someone who might have more objectivity.So it was a good balance.

Hmm.

And David liked it, I think because sometimes he was a bit distressed and so on and he thought that I could maybe sort of summarise things that happened when he wasn’t able to.

Hmm.

So that was, so the three of us, towards the end would have these appointments together and that was really helpful. And, yes, he would, he would talk everything through with David, instead of saying what, you know, I’m suggesting this, but we could do this or that.And, I suppose there were times when I thought well maybe you should have, almost be a little bit less like that, because obviously David’s getting to the point where it’s very difficult for him to kind of make decisions, maybe it would be good if you just said, Right, I think we should do that. But it’s such a fine line because, and I think the psychiatrist knew this, David was the sort of person that he really had to you know, he had to take on board what was being done. And he, he had to you know, believe in it. Or, you know, that sort of horrible phrase, he had to ‘buy into it.

You know, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have done it. Because he was always, kind of changing his mind about whether a medication was right or not anyway, and I used to have to keep quite on top of it and say, Look, we’ve decided this, so, you know, you need to at least try this for a bit. You can’t keep jumping around or it’s going to have terrible effects on you. So you know, he had to absolutely buy into it from the start and I think the psychiatrist knew that and was very good about it and that’s why he helped, you know, made sure that David would partly be making the decision as well.

So yeah, that was sort a, a bit difficult. I’m sorry, I say it was a bit difficult just because, as, as I say, I wanted him to be a certain way with him but even I was chopping and changing all the time. You know, I think I’d get to the point where I was feeling a little bit kind of frustrated because I always think, Oh God, is this next medication going to work or isn’t it?

And so I suppose when you get like that although really you want to feel that you’re in control and that David’s in control, there comes a point where you just think, Oh just tell me what the right thing is to do.

You know. So

And then, but I, I think he did a good job. And, and then, of course, you see, we had this new diagnosis so you might think, Well, didn’t the other psychiatrist not do his job then? How come he didn’t see that? But I think, you know, the psychiatrist in, the private psychiatrist at this hospital he diagnosed David straight away. Even he said, you know, Look, it’s very difficult to diagnose. And he said, I am specialist that’s why I’ve seen it.

And, you know, the, the NHS psychiatrist said to me after he died, he said, I did ask David on a number of occasions, you know, do you suffer from, or do you experience highs as well as lows and, and David always said ‘No, I’m just me, or I’m low.

And even I, you know, being outside of David, you know, I couldn’t see that because, you know, I suppose because I knew him well you know, the NHS psychiatrist may have been on the other side of it, he, you could say he, well sure he was more objective he should have seen it, but on the other hand he didn’t see enough of David to know that he would have had highs. He could only go on what we were both telling him, that’s all he could do.

So, in the end he was diagnosed in a private hospital.

That’s right. Yeah. That’s, that’s

By a specialist.

That’s right, where he was an in-patient.

I can’t emphasise enough, you know, I don’t blame anybody, I really don’t. But if there’s any sort of lesson to be learnt it’s that maybe there isn’t enough awareness of this whole kind of bipolar spectrum things and that, you know, maybe you can be a little bit bipolar. And where it’s difficult to diagnose you just need to be aware because what they’re saying now is, and it, it could anything up to 50% of people who are diagnosed with unipolar depression are actually somewhere on the bipolar scale.

But you can only deal with so much at a time and you almost allow yourself small periods of time to just cry and, and to, you know, to think about things, to grieve,to do all of that, because you, somehow you have to contain it because otherwise you’d just, you feel like you’d just be a dithering wreck indefinitely.

And I do have my days when I’ll, or my hours or whatever, that are really quite bad.So basically I do my grieving in private, and I didn’t work out what it was for a long time but I just couldn’t really cry in front of anybody or at least most of the time I couldn’t.And it was just because it is just such a private thing and I was aware that, I knew, I put myself, I think, in their shoes and I could see that if I was comforting a friend then, you know, I would want them to feel better and I might say, Oh you have a good cry.Cry it outBut afterwards when they’d stopped crying you’d probably say, Oh let’s hav, you know, have a nice cup of te or whatever and, Do you feel a bit better nowAnd I thought, Well that’s not great because if that’s me I, I almost feel obliged to say, Oh, yeah, I’m feeling a bit better nowAnd I wouldn’t be feeling better.Of course I wouldn’t be feeling better
No.

my husband’s just died.You know, it’s not like, I don’t know, you know, if something minor had happened, if I’d lost £1000 or I’d had an incredibly bad day and someone had said to me, something nasty to me at work, you know, that I might have been a little bit upset about.It, it’s a hundred times worse than that.My husband has died.You can’t make me feel better.

No.

I think, and I think this is the thing that, you know, particularly my mum.I mean, you can imagine of course she wants to see me feeling OK.Which isn’t to say she wouldn’t say, You have a good cry because she definitely would.

Hmm.

But at some point I’ve got to kind of stop crying and, you know, Yeah I’m feeling a bit better and it’s OKAnd I didn’t want that point to come because I much prefer to just have a longer period where actually I say, you know, Yeah, this is awful and I feel bloody awfulAnd at some point, you know, hours later in the day, I’ll sort of pick myself up and think, Right, OK, I’ve kind of cried that out enough today. I’m putting it on one side and carrying on

It may sound a bit convoluted, and it took me a long time, as I say, to sort of articulate why it was, that I wasn’t really crying in front of people. But that’s why, if they see me upset, I feel more upset.I actually feel less upset if I cry it out on my own and then start to feel OK and then come back.

I have a mixed, but mostly good, experience of media involvement in my husband’s death. On the one hand, a national tabloid left a note in my postbox asking me if I’d like to talk to them, which I felt was pretty insensitive given it was just days after David died – and I felt uncomfortable that they had been snooping around where I live whilst I wasn’t there. On the other hand, a national broadsheet invited me to do an interview for them which turned out well. I decided to do the interview for the feature for several reasons’ firstly, as a tribute to David and the exceptional teacher he was; secondly, to raise awareness of mental illness; and thirdly, because I suspected I would find it cathartic, which I did. I also felt it might help friends and acquaintances understand what had happened without me having to tell the long story to each and every one of them. The one thing that perturbed me a little was the article headline, which I felt gave the wrong impression. it’s as well to be aware that, whilst a journalist might write a wholly sensitive piece, a sub-editor can always edit it and/or add a headline you may not be happy with. That is the risk you take though, and I knew that before I went ahead, and on balance it was worth it.

I also did a lot with the local media. I did an interview on local radio about bipolar disorder, having learned quite a bit following David’s death. Again, the reason for doing it was to raise awareness and I was very pleased that I was given around 15 minutes on air – I felt the time made available really did justice to a complex topic. This contrasted with local TV, where it was clearly going to be impossible to do anything meaningful about bipolar – however, they focused on the bursary we set up in memory of David and so it was helpful for promoting that cause to the local community. Finally, there were a number of pieces in the local press, and the purpose of those was to raise money for the bursary. I also persuaded them to do a small inset about bipolar spectrum, and I felt that for a local paper to include that was really impressive.