Yes, they rang us, plus or minus 3 oclock in the morning, and said that they would be round in five minutes, so they were obviously at the end of the drive. Two policemen came round and they handled it with great sensitivity, I was very impressed.They came round and it was pretty clear to us that it related to Alice and we assumed instantly that she had in fact killed herself, so when they came a few minutes later it was no great surprise at that moment in what they said, they chose their words very carefully, I was impressed by the consideration that they showed us,they used the phrase that, Alice is no longer with us As a euphemism it was very well, well judged by them. So altogether, you know, they were very courteous, they obviously waited long enough to see whether we needed them to stay on or needed any further help, but we didn’t. So off they went after I imagine a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes or so.

And at nine oclock Jenny was in the front office, the front room where we have our computer, and she said, Mum there’s a police car outside Oh okay. And shortly afterwards the two policemen knocked at the door and I knew. And they I said, What’s happened, whats happened And they said, Can we come inside I said, Who is it, is it, is it Anna or Emily And he said, Annalis And I said, She’s dead isn’t she And they said, Yes, she, she was found hanging by her friend And they brought me into the kitchen and sat me down and, and began to shake, my hands were shaking. And it Jenny was dreadfully upset, crying, screaming. She phoned for my friend to come back. She phoned for my nephew to come. And I was just shaking so much.

How were the police with you?

The police were trying to comfort me. They were trying to talk to me but I couldn’t speak to anybody. People came in and they spoke to me and I knew they were there but I just couldn’t, I couldn’t speak. All I was doing was shaking so much. My like there’s just
I’m sure.

And then my friend she screamed at me, Kate cry, just cry, scream And I couldn’t so they phoned for the doctor. The doctor came and he tried to administer some valium but I couldn’t take it. And he said that I was turning blue, I was not breathing. I was not hyperventilating.

Hmm.

I was just not breathing. And then they phoned for an ambulance and an ambulance came. And I remember them trying to give me oxygen and trying valium but I just couldn’t take it. And they just whizzed me off to A&E, where they kept trying and now I know what it feels like with patient’s oxygen mask you, you actually feel as though you’re suffocating with this mask on.But they finally they couldn’t give any injection because I was shaking so much. So they finally sort of managed to get some valium in to me. And after about forty minutes or so, I was able I was calm.

At the age of eighteen my father took his life through suicide. It was an incredibly hard moment to discover what he’d done. I first found out about it through a young constable, who was only twenty, knocking on the door to let us know this news. At that time I was staying at my sister’s house, and the situation was this young constable, as I say, he turned up and imparted this terrible news to us that our father had taken his life. We thought initially there’d been some sort of mistake or, miscommunication and did some checking round to absolutely confirm what had happened and in fact it, it was the case that he’d taken his life. The young constable was in such a state trying to impart this news to us that my brother-in-law had to sit him down and give him a cup of tea. I think it was appalling that he was sent out, without the proper training and preparation, and also on his own, a young lad of about twenty, appalling, so there’s a big issue there for the police, well I think this is an issue from talking to serving police officers now that still needs to be addressed.

The police were very professional. That’s the kindest thing I can say I think. It is true that when, that people say when you’re told something like this you remember what’s said and how it’s said. And certainly although it’s eleven years I can remember it was a morning very like this morning actually. And the police car going past the door and turning round and coming back again. The police sergeant getting out of the car and it was almost. As he walked up the path it was almost a casual, Is this your name? And I said, Yes. And he said, Oh, I’m afraid I have to tell you your husband’s dead. And I was out on the front path on my own. And I remember saying, Oh, right, would, would you like to come in? And he said, Yes. And he followed me in and I remember offering him a cup of tea. I was in the hall and I remember saying to him, Would you like a cup of tea? He must have thought I was crazy. He then came into the sitting room where my daughter was and that’s when he said again, Your husband’s dead. And that, that seemed to be his sort of, the purpose of his being here was just to say that.

I do remember saying to him, What do I do now? And he said, Well what do you want to do? Well I had no idea what to do. I needed him in his official capacity to say to me, Right this is what I’ve told you. This is what you have to do. And he didn’t. He said there’d be another policeman turning up in a few minutes which did happen. He did come. So there were two male police officers here. He said, Somebody would have to identify the body. Which sort of took it out of being real to me. He [Graham] just became somebody they’d had to deal with. He was a bit of paperwork.

Yes well I mean the only merciful thing for me I mean the shock because I had no idea that she I mean if I’d thought in my wildest dreams that she might shoot herself I would not have allowed a gun in the house obviously.

Hmm.

But she’d grown up with a family that shoots and therefore it’s just part of gun cabinets, you know approved gun cabinets in approved places have always been in this house. I think so when I actually found her, when I thought she was going to be playing her guitar, with a gun ith the gun lying on the floor mercifully, mercifully she was face down. But I think it happened literally thirty seconds before I found her, because actually afterward my cleaning lady said she had heard a bang. But you know hadn’t thought anything of it. And it was in the attic so three floors up. And because it was literally half, half a minute or something, I think she had looked out of her bedroom in the attic seen me coming out of the office and thought, quick, help, panic got to do it now. This was on a Tuesday.

On the Saturday before she looked at me with her gray, gray face and said, I nearly did it yesterday, mum And I said, Did what Rose? What And she said, You know what And I said, Well in that case you must tell me, you must tell me what you were going to do that you haven’t done But I mean she wasn’t stupid. I mean she knew she was obviously planning to do it at some point so why would she say I was going to shoot myself because then I would’ve been able to stop her. But of course when I found her, because it was so soon after, there was no blood. Or I didn’t see it.

Hmm.

I didn’t see it. It must have been there and I didn’t see it. So I picked up her hand and of course it, of course it wasn’t she hadn’t got rigor mortis from it because it was so soon.

I finished my shift. I came home and Jenny said, Mum, I’m so worried about Izzy. She’s not answering her phone. She should have gone to work today So I said, Ohh, she’s fine, leave her. She’s probably, you know what’s Izzy, she’s goes off for a few days and she comes back. And the more you try and hold on to them, put reins on them, the more they break away And I said, Oh, she’ll be all right, don’t worry I was a little bit concerned but, because she, she would never miss work because she loved it so much.

Sunday, I was working a long day and I was looking after another very sick patient. And I came home, 8 oclock, and Jenny said to me again, Mum, I’m really worried about Izzy. She’s just not answering her phone. I’ve been round to her flat twice today. The light is on She said, I know she’s in there. I know she’s in there She said, I’m going to go round again So I said, Well, I’ll come with you

We drove round. We could see the light was on. We rang the doorbell. And then one of her neighbours who holds the pass-key came and he said he would open the door. And as he opened the door, it was double locked, and as he opened it, the chain was on. And he had difficulty pushing the door.

And then Jenny screamed and said, Mum. Izzy, Izzy’s footI tried to get the chain, trying to get my fingers to the chain. Could see her foot was there. I could see that Izzy was dead, just by her foot because of the, lividity of, in her foot. That’s the blood that’s drained.

We managed to break the door but not the door completely, just the frame and we were able to push the door open just slightly, but it was just enough for me to get my head, arm and shoulder through the door. And I could, and I looked and I, I knew what I was going to find and I found Izzy hanging. She was, she was kneeling, partially kneeling and just hanging. And her head was dropped forward and I could see that she’d been dead for a few days.

And I walked in and I looked around and, and the house is always a mess, we’re not very tidy but there was a note on the dining room table, and I can’t remember exactly what I’d said but so, He’s left a note. And then my manager said, Do you want me to go upstairs? And I said, No. I said, He is my husband.

Mmm.

Says I, It’s me, you know, I want to find him. And then when we got to the bottom of the stairs there was a dining room chair at the top of the stairs but that didn’t, didn’t register anything, that there was a dining room chair up the top of the stairs, it just didn’t mean anything to me at all, that didn’t you know, you, but it’s, being a bit surreal at the time, and I went up the stairs, half expecting to either find him in bed, thinking he’d maybe would’ve taken an overdose because he had tried an overdose before, or in the bathroom, maybe in the bath or something, with his wrists slashed ‘cause he had attempted, he’d attempted that before as well, so I got to the top of the stairs and I just turned my head off to the left and he, he was just there [sighs]. But he just looked like a, he just looked as though he was standing in the corner, you know he was, obviously very, very still but, he was very, very tall so his feet were fractionally just off the ground so it didn’t look

Mmm.

you know when you see on TV and things like that you, you, you know, you see, you think

What a shock.

the sway, you know, you think it’s swaying and there’s a big gap off the floor but, there was nothing so he just looked as though he was standing in the corner.

How sad.

and I sort of said, I just, Oh Mike, and I tried to feel his, you know, feel his pulse but my hands were freezing anyway ‘cause I’d been outside and I couldn’t and then I said to my boss, He’s hung himself. And then, then I had to say, Come on up and have a look. Because I couldn’t believe that, you know, I had, somebody else to see, you know? And my, am I imagining it? You know what I mean?

I’m glad you weren’t alone.