it’s an interesting journey, isn’t it? Got my crystal in my hand, trying not to choke or cry, yeah, it’s interesting. I feel likethere’s a lot of different resources out there, there’s mindfulness that’s disconnecting and that I see as like disassociation and I don’t want to disassociate, I still want to be with myself, but also it’s, I have a vision and I see my vision and I know one day it’s going to get there, which is why I can say oh by the time I’m 30 this is what I’d like because I’ve closed my eyes so many times, and prayed and manifested like. Mindfulness it’s, it’s literally just not taking a razor to your hand, it’s breathing like there’s been a lot of times that I could just be like, oh, and I don’t want to be here anymore, like but I really, really think there’s a future version of myself that’s sat on the floor at peace with themselves praying heavily and that’s why I’m still here. Like cos I remember looking in my Nana’s mirror at her house when I was 15, saying like, I don’t want to be here no more and being told, Oh go get a job, go and do your beauty course and this will help you, and this will help you improve but it doesn’t really. And I still go back to this mirror, like I told her, I want this mirror one day but, it’s a journey, it’s an interesting one and it’s good to be mindful, like it’s very hard, I’ve seen how other people struggle with it, and I just try to send the energy of healing to people. So that they don’t have to have the same feelings and thoughts, like I’m knowing they’re there, but, yeah, I just wish I could heal the world.

I think class plays a part on how fast you can access things. Like and race, maybe if I was just a white trans female there’d be more people that are willing to hear my voice, and my experiences.

I feel like as a black person your voice is already marginalised, and it’s who you’re speaking to and the way that you’re perceived, but yeah, that’s race. Class, yeah, I think class plays the part when it’s coming to accessing things, and the other one, religion, I’m not religious. I’m a spiritual person. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in like a higher power, or a God, I just don’t believe in a white man dictating what we can and can’t do.

But race, personally for myself I don’t feel like it’s a major contribution but I know to other people it is, like I know religious people that can’t access healthcare due to their families’ opinions, like you know, but that’s not my story, that’s just other people’s vicariously living through me.

There are some good organisations, but unfortunately, they’re not [city] based organisations. There was some [city] based organisations that focussed on sexuality and trans health to a degree, but yeah their funding’s been dropped, cut, services ended, but the one service that I would say I fucks with is Rainbow Noir, which is a Manchester based organisation, and they do outreach work all across the UK, and the recognition that they get maybe is not so big. But the impact that that has and has had, that lives on like forever, like I fucks with them a lot.

They are like what would I say? A pillar of the trans community and a pillar of the black trans community, and a pillar of the black community, like they, the work that they do it’s recognised by the people, probably more than the organisations and funders, but that shit, like, that will live on because yeah it’s good, good people.

I don’t feel like there is enough media coverage of trans healthcare, like there’s literally people like I had to bring up, if I wasn’t a trans person, there wouldn’t have been trans representation in the media of sexual health services, or healthcare in general. And also, I don’t watch much media nowadays.

But from what I’m aware like, yeah it takes a trans person talking about their own experiences to have representation in the, but that’s the problem, it’s a burden that trans people have to carry themselves, to educate because I see a lot of derogatory things about trans healthcare and access to things, but yeah they’re always wanting some token trans person to come and have an argument with some bigot, or some ignorant person, who is like, Oh this is not right Like , Yeah I can think of a lot of things that I’ve seen snippets on YouTube of like, Oh this person wants to transition, why this isn’t goo on ITV, and all this stuff, and I’m just, I just try not to endorse it or give it my energy, but yeah that’s probably not helping, or helpful for people.

But the media needs to focus a little more, cos there’s so many people’s experiences like, as individuals we reach out to separate organisations and people, and, and I feel like it’s word, word of mouth is where the majority of things come from, definitely not the media. Like Netflix putting up a documentary, or a film, that film with like again, I feel like they was sat, I don’t know if you’ve, you use Netflix or you have seen this film that is up there but , I was, as media like I had TransAmerica and Trans Parent, these was not trans people but these was the only things in the media that I was actually aware of when it come to even thinking about trans issues, and really they don’t enough, it’s just, and that was mainly focussed on passing and on, yeah it’s a certain aspect of things, they’re not focussed on the side effects of healthcare, or the lack of access or the long time for waiting lists, like it’s on petitions and on Facebook or the groups on the Instagram that you see things like this, so it’s individuals doing their things and posting it.

Basically when I was growing up there was a TV show called My Transsexual Summer, and this was the first time that I’d seen other trans people like out in the open, in media, like there was, being feminine was literally just like a label that was put on to you, and I feel like it was put onto me before I even had a chance to actually assess my own gender identity. And when I’d seen this show it opened my mind just to other aspects of identifying as a whole because like wearing make-up, having eyebrows, being confident in your skin, like I was always brought up to be confident being the person that I am, but the people around me was not so understanding.

So, when I was like, Oh I like to have long hair,’ like I, when I was in school this, this is why my story is so sporadic, sorry. So when I was in High School, when I first joined High School, in year 7, I’d grown my hair all through primary school, and shaved my armpit’s when I was going swimming in year 6, and people used to like have a go at me for this. And like Oh why are you shaving your armpits?’

And when I’d gone to High School, I actually got put into a class with a woman [teacher] who was just like really horrible. I’d had long hair down to my shoulders, and she always used to be like, Are you a girl? Why have you got long hair?’ And the girls in my school like the white girls would have braids and cornrows in their hair, but I was expected to just have short hair and things, this stereotype of like masculinity.

And from year 7 to about year 9 it was like I had to identify as a gay person because there was not really, it was, it wasn’t my issue with myself, it was the way that society projected me being confident in myself, like basically my teacher, sorry my teacher bullied me about my hair, she was like, Oh you look like a girl,’ and I ended up cutting all my hair off, that I’d grown for so long, which was a part of my identity and my confidence.

I feel like it was good that I had a black woman to speak to, who had been around other trans people, like because it was a trans service I felt like, it wasn’t like going to the doctors and being told, Oh no sorry, can’t do anything They, they had options and solutions like, I was very thankful for [name], like she was a very, she was a great woman, like it was different to, with the private doctor it just felt like that was me trying to access something, really with no outcome to it, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. Like what I was going to go and see a doctor, get hormones, and have surgery. Like that was the goalposts that I was setting to myself.

But when they accessed, accessed the NHS like yeah there was alternative things, they made me aware of like voice training, like groups that was around the UK that was doing like trans outreach stuff, like they just had so many resources, that in itself was actually like it was a lifeline.