Experiences of trans and gender diverse young people

I’d put a lot of thought around sexuality prior to realising that there might be something going on with my gender identity. But you know the, the confusion around my, I guess I’ve never come to any real conclusions around my sexuality prior to that anyway, I was still very confused about that as much as I was, you know, having this other realisation, this other set of things that were going on. That one hadn’t been resolved as such. So I feel like I don’t necessarily feel like a lot of my journey in that has been hugely related to my gender identity. It’s just been an ongoing process that has been going on throughout what’s going on before that realisation and has carried on all the way through that, but you know there, there, you know I’ve always had thoughts about what extra complications it might add on top of you know things that I was already thinking about, in terms of who I would look to be with. You know who would, who would be attracted to me, that, that kind of you know that, that was the, I guess those were the only, those are the only parts of that that have really overlapped for me. It’s more about other people’s response to me than how I, than my thoughts around my sexuality and who I’m attracted to and stuff like that. Yeah, they kind of feel like two separate journeys that have run quite parallel, and that you know my sexuality journey was much more prominent in my mind early on, and it kind of took a back seat when I started thinking about gender and I just wasn’t really interested in thinking about that at all, or trying to work out what, where I thought I was with that. I was more concerned about working out where I was with my gender identity.

I only ever thought I was attracted to males, men until the same summer I realised I was trans. And it was kind of weird ‘cos they went hand in hand a little bit. I don’t even remember which one came first. I think maybe I came out as trans first and then I realised that I had also had feelings for my female friend at the time. So, they kind of overlapped a little bit. It was a very strange realisation ‘cos it was as if now my idea of gender was already being subverted a bit. And at the same time so was my idea of my own sexuality. I thought that I was very monosexual before and I kind of realised that I had in the same way I’d kind of suppressed being trans and also suppressed my attraction to women. And I started remembering like sexual awakenings that had to do with women or female characters so that was very strange. And I think after being trans and like getting this more grounded identity. You know what I mean like having a more grounded sense of identity, I also felt more comfortable exploring and acknowledging sexual attractions to different people, ‘cos I feel like now it seems strange for me that you could limit yourself to just one gender especially because there are people that fuck with gender. There are non-binary people and there are like intersex people and then the question is, how can you be so binary about the people that you are in love with or attracted to, which is a thing that I no longer understand in the same way that I don’t really recognise gender as a binary concept anymore. I think it’s kind of just like made me way more open-minded or just have a different perspective to sexual attraction and be more honest about people that I’m attracted to.

Before coming out I identified as a lesbian I have never been attracted to woman particularly or like feminine people that’s just not something I’ve been attracted to. But for me identifying as a lesbian gave me an excuse to present in a masculine way and so I did it in that way and sort of convinced myself that I was attracted to women because I wanted to be masculine. Now I can’t rationalise why that made sense but it did make sense for me at the time and so yeah so I identified as a lesbian, I’ve identified as bi-sexual but as gay I identified as a-sexual for a while, I’ve sort of tried out all the different labels I kind of see sexuality a little bit is like a coat that you can put on and you can take off and at the moment I’ve got a coat on that’s my like rainbow gay coat and it’s like that works for me now and I might keep that on forever or I might get like ten years down the line and be like no actually I don’t want this one anymore I’m gonna put this like and change it and whatever and it doesn’t really have to stay fixed for me it’s just the label that I like using at that point in time. And I know that that’s different for other people but for me it’s just sort of fairly fluid and doesn’t really matter too much it’s more about articulating to other people what I’m like looking for or what I’m attracted to rather than any reflection on myself.

I’m getting to meet more and more sort of like Trans men who identify as femme and camp and as fags and that’s been really like, you know, really emboldening thing to me because it’s like oh okay like finally like I feel like there are other people who we can be Trans men and we can also like be femme and not have to prescribe to masculinity and like that’s legitimate and it’s really important to see yourself represented in like society and like to have community with people who are like you and like share similar values. And like also like who are, like against toxic masculinity and like, you know, but like pro being men [laughter] because, you know, you don’t have to negate one aspect of your identity in order to like, you know, like yeah I don’t know, to flourish into another part of your identity.

I think yeah now I’m really interested in like the history of like fag culture and reading like The Faggots and their Friends, it’s a really important sort of text. From like the early 80’s I think before AIDs yeah about celebrating queerness and sexuality and yeah not being ashamed, embracing play and joy and all of these things that are like associated with like camp. Yeah so I think like that’s been a big part of my journey and like, you know, accepting that part of myself in like yeah and in like finding transness’s place in faggotry or like trying to make a place for it, has been really important.

I think with the faggotry thing it’s like the fag is someone that like choses pleasure and joy and play over, you know, like capitalism or over like, you know, like homonormativity, over like, you know, the marriage and the white picket fence lifestyle like a lot of gays like have prescribed to, prescribed to like that. And that’s fine but we’re the people that choose like the other thing.

I for like most purposes would just say that my sexuality is gay because I am a masculine presenting person who is attracted to masculine presenting people and so it’s easiest to go with the term gay because most people get what that means and it’s a lot easier than having to explain the intracies about actually like well to me it doesn’t matter whether a person identifies as male or not like if I’m attracted to them, I’m attracted to them but usually it’s more masculine presenting people. But if it’s a masculine presenting person who identifies as female or non-binary or whatever I’m not gonna be like oh I’m gay so I’m not gonna date you, so like it’s yeah but I just tend to go with gay. But I think being trans makes me so much aware, so much more aware of the complexities around gender and how restrictive some labels can be for sexuality.

I guess I would identify as pansexual or bi, cos sometimes when you say pansexual you don’t know what you mean. But then also because I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a cis man, everyone assumes that you’re heterosexual. So yeah it’s a weird one, and this is like a, a kind of an internal conversation that I have and I’m like, well I’m not straight, but everyone will read me as straight so I’m kind of, not in a same sex relationship, but so yeah I guess it kind of, it complicates things slightly, but I’m just like well, I’m with the person I’m with at the moment, not that I’m planning to leave him any day soon, if he’s listening outside this room, but that would be highly unethical, [laughs] but you know I don’t, yeah I guess I don’t, I do recognise that like bi doesn’t just mean binary and bisexual, only that but also I feel like having a broadened term like pansexual is really useful, especially when you’re talking about wanting to broaden out, kind of gender identities and sexualities comes along with that. So yeah just looking at new terms, and then also yeah, figuring out, where you sit, and how you’re read versus like in your context is the thing I suppose.

I remember very vividly thinking, I am lesbian [laughs] before I came out, because I thought, you know, I couldn't ever be in a relationship with a guy. It just makes me uncomfortable. I'd been in a relationship with a boy and I was, this is not right for me. Then I was in a relationship with a girl and it was better. I remember thinking that. And then after I came out as trans, I suddenly realised actually no, I'm pansexual and what it is that before I was out as male I was reminding everyone of how much of a tomboy I was. Being in a relationship with a girl I was always the more butch or masculine of the pair and it made me feel more masculine and less dysphoric. Being in a relationship with a guy they were looking for a girl. They were searching for a girl to be with. And it's like they treat me as a girl. They wanted me to be a girl and I wasn't and it would make me dysphoric. It wasn't until realising now I'm presenting myself as a man, you know, any man who likes me is looking for a man and will treat me fine. And I realise that I'm pansexual with a strong preference for guys, actually. And I just, it's since coming out and being very comfortable in my body, comfortable in my body, comfortable in my expression that I've realised that, actually, I was kind of wrong before, it was just me doing what I could do to relieve dysphoria. And I've actually had boyfriends and girlfriends since coming out, but I have a strong preference for boys. I have a crush. He doesn't talk to me. But, you know, that's fine. I'll just be rejected in the corner.

I identify as like queer and I think through transitioning I identified as queer before but I feel it’s been more affirmed like through transitioning and I think I care a lot less about gender than I ever did when, with regards to like who I find attractive or like relationships and that kind of stuff. And I feel when I identified like as a woman I feel there was a lot of pressure or like a lot of there’s a lot of shame in identifying like even as like a kind of masculine woman and like having attraction to like other masculine people or cis men or Trans men or whatever. And through transitioning a lot of that has like alleviated and I just feel yeah free and able to like have attraction to whoever I feel it to towards.

Sexuality is a weird one I don’t, this is bad, but I kind of drifted from giving myself a label a long time ago and that’s purely just because I started having very bad encounters with people from the community, the LGBTQ community, I think that’s the acronym at the moment. I’m not 100% sure. So, I’m really sorry if I got that wrong. But for a while I thought that I was gay and then I was like, okay, maybe not, because everyone is kind of cute for real though. Everyone is really cute, what’s going on. I’m confused. And then, I think if I had to label myself it would be bisexual. I got absolutely like—I got confused because there was these big like, I used to see these big arguments between like my friends and people online about the, the borders between pansexual and bisexual and that was a mess-up in itself, because I once said that I am bi and then someone turned around and went, no, you’re pan and I was like, why like you’re dating a trans person, meaning that you are pan and I was like, but they are male, therefore bisexual. They’re like, no, it’s because they’re trans. I was like, trans isn’t a gender within itself. I just, I started finding it really bad like people telling me like telling me what I was. They were like, no, you’re clearly not this, you’re this. I was just out there like just let me find out what I am. Let me figure it out and I’m not, I don’t wanna be labelled. I want to label myself. And then I got to this point where I was like, I can’t be bothered with labels. I’ve just like, I mean, I’m in relationship with someone and don’t need to label who I am. That was, that was basically what it became, because yeah, I just found that I found people, if I found someone attractive it was just like, oh, they’re kind of cute, I guess or hey, I quite like this person. It was never, it kind of, over time I less, I just less identified with ah yes, I’m a homosexual. I’m a bisexual and this select group of people are attractive, it’s more of, this individual’s kind of cute. They’re kind of funky. I wanna get to know them and it, kind of just went like that. And then I just stopped aligning with caring about what my sexuality would be, because I mean, right now, I’m in an amazing relationship and I wouldn’t look at anyone else for the world. And if I was asked to define my sexuality I would say, bisexual because like I don’t really know nor do I care at the moment, because I don’t really, I’m just kind of with the person I’m with and I don’t really wanna think about anyone else, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I think it’s weird, because when I was, so before I knew what non-binary was, I kind of, I understood myself as bisexual because that was the word that was available to me, and the one that made the most sense, like I didn’t have any other you know it was, it was the LGBT and I didn’t really have the T, but and I think as I, as I like moved into understanding my non-binary identity, and transness as a whole, I kind of still felt comfortable in the bisexual identity, but I kind of understood it more to be like it was never about being attracted to both men and women, it was about being attracted to people of the same gender, and people of different genders to you.

Which the other day bought up a really interesting question about whether or not that just makes me straight because my gender is not the same as anybody’s gender, so everybody’s gender is different to mine, so am I a straight person? No. But words are weird. And then kind of as I’ve gotten you know older and I’ve kind of felt that queer works because it is so, so broad, and it basically just means I’m not straight, and I kind of also use it to mean I’m not cis, like it’s a, I’m not what you expect of me, that is it. Which I find really empowering because then I can be whatever, and the ways that people try to define me don’t have any effect on me because queer is the thing that I say, but also when you say you’re queer to a straight person, well a straight cis person, and then you say you’re not allowed to use that word though, it becomes quite complicated and I keep trying to explain to, I do some like LGBT education and I try to explain to them that you are only allowed to use queer about someone if they say that they are queer. You are not allowed to use it about everybody, it’s an umbrella term, but don’t use it as an umbrella term. And they’re like, “I don’t get it.”

So I mean that’s kind of the point to be fair, but I do think that only focussing on, or only wanting to identify with things that are the broadest definition, has kind of helped me, so non-binary obviously is an umbrella term in itself, and recently my, my girlfriend said, so what does non-binary mean? And I was like, “It’s an umbrella term,” and she goes like, “But then what is your gender?” And I was like, “I don’t know. That’s kind of the point,” like I don’t think there’s a word for it at the moment, and I’m not that desperate to find one [video glitches] that my word is gonna be something that everybody understands, so there’s no point in particularly labelling myself, in a more narrow term, especially everything is fluid, everything changes, and I don’t want to say this is the thing that I am, and then have that change, and have to feel like that’s a really big deal.

I’m always very, as you can tell up front, I’m very open. I don’t want anybody to feel like they’ve been tricked into it, there’s a lot of trans women, even after surgery and before surgery and they’re like, “Oh I’m not going to tell them yet, I’m not going to tell them yet.” Just don’t do it. Just be open and honest with your life, because that’s who you are. And if you really like them, you’re going to need to be, you know. Nightclubs I’m always still very open and honest, and they’re surprised and you know, I don’t think they originally thought that, but I’ve never had any bad reception from it. I’ve had guys go like, “Oh sorry that’s you know just not for me.” And that’s absolutely fine too, even though it’s only sexual at that point, you know what I mean, they were only thinking about well how are we going to have sex? Because that’s going to be for me. And if I’m looking for something more serious then that’s not for me either, you know. So, it’s all about identifying it.

But, you get it anyway like, you know Facebook, you know, Instagram, you get loads of weird Instagram messages. Tinder, I think a lot, the last three guys that I’ve dated that were serious were Tinder. And it’s because for me like, I work so much, and I’m with friends, and if I’m out on a night out I’m normally that drunk or can’t see some guy giving me the eye anyway, so and I have a lot of gay friends which almost sometimes damages me trying to find somebody on you know a straight scene because a lot of them want to go gay, which is fine. I love a gay scene; you know I will still go there. But I’m not, I’m probably only going to pull a girl, you know. So very difficult. I think the biggest thing I guess is when guys that I speak to will go, “Oh but, you know I really fancy you, and you know I’m not bothered or anything, but I’m not gay.” And I go, “Well obviously.” And then, “Well what do you mean?” And I’m like, “Well if I resembled a man, then I would think that you were gay. But because you fancy me and I don’t resemble a male, then that still makes you a heterosexual man.” So that’s a very big miscommunication with a lot of guys. They think that if they fancy a trans woman they’re gay, and it’s further from the truth.

I think more recently, it’s difficult. On the one hand, I feel very comfortable having like penetrative like PIV sex with people. But it also makes me feel like a power dynamic is being generated. That probably it’s just like a lot of me projecting onto the situation, but that means that my… this is where I get to a really interesting point in like my identity where I don’t know whether to call myself just like a non-binary person whose attracted to feminine people or a lesbian, basically. It’s hard to pick it apart because those things have such strong signifiers in terms of like lesbian culture. Like non-binary people, particularly non-binary like AMAB people for lack of a better word being like erased from like those spaces. And I feel like… like when I have sex, I sort of dissociate a little bit. Just a little bit. Just enough to make me feel kind of weird when it stops. And I often sometimes like, obviously, I will really rarely do this. I often try and avoid it, but like if I am having sex like often I’ve found myself sleeping with someone who I’m genuinely not attracted to. And like it will make my gender dysphoria like a lot worse and I’m not sure why. I think that’s quite a common trans experience though from what I’ve heard. If there’s like some damage to your like sexual relationship with a person if you, if you just aren’t communicating as well as you were beforehand I feel like that can make you feel like other things you feel secure in are like vulnerable and one of those things like gender I think. Again, this goes back to the whole thing you were asking about masculinities and femininities and stuff. I think I often find myself more attracted to trans men, not only because I’ve had such positive experiences with them. This isn’t a fetishistic thing at all. Just because there is more of a variety of kinds of man going on there. Men with communication skills. Men who, yeah, yeah. I find myself really comfortable and attracted to trans men and I find myself really comfortable and attracted to a lot of men, cis men who are like sort of a step away from traditional gender roles and signifiers generally. I lot of really effeminate men. I lot of really butch girls. Just all women, basically as well. Yeah, it’s difficult, gender is a big one. Sexuality is like a big part of how you explore that.

I feel like now especially during like during transition like what, what counts as intimacy has changed. I feel as well, like I feel as more assured of like, not just, I’m not like talking just about HRT either like, genuinely like because I’ve started feeling more like myself I feel like the bar for what I feel as intimacy goes higher because I feel like I value myself more, and I want my partner to value me more as well. So that bar for intimacy goes higher, so like I started moving away from casual like hook ups I guess to more like relationships, I guess. And more like trying to find, and it made me like genuinely think about bettering myself in the hopes of like finding a partner, in a way, you know like and, it’s, like I knew I was definitely someone who wanted a partner, I wasn’t asexual, like even though my sex drive went down, I wasn’t like asexual or a-romantic at the end of it, like I still had a sex drive, and still wanted to be intimate, and have like a relationship with someone, so like, but it became a point where like I was genuinely looking for something that would last, instead of just a hook-up I guess, and that was, I think partially like not, and I like, I don’t want to actuate all to HRT because I feel like it wasn’t all HRT. I genuinely think it was the act, like the concept of transitioning, being a better self, better version of myself, more my authentic self, that led me to that point where I’m confident in belong, like I could feel like I could be with someone, if that makes sense.

Like I could genuinely picture it in my head like a, I could, I wanted, I want to like have that kind of life, like a partnership and that kind of thing, and that’s yeah, and like I noticed like I was looking, the things I looked for in attraction was very different now, like it was like well just, like things like the way that people hold themselves, the way they talk about themselves, or the way they speak, or so like if they were very like, if someone would talk about themselves in a more self-involved way that like, that made have used to been not much of an issue for me in the past, but now it’s kind of like it almost became like, oh, not, not something I’m particularly interested, or like depending on how they interact with other people and stuff, like I’d start a, like feeling more in tune with myself and then being unintentionally more in tune with looking at how other, like if I’m looking at a potential partner, if I’m talking and I’m like analysing them I guess, is the best way to be about it, yeah.

Well, with sexuality, with dating, I guess and with sex like going on Grindr now as a trans woman, as a trans woman [Laughs] you know, and that there were now these guys, these straight men who would go on Grindr looking for trans women and that I was now having these kinds of—because I’d been on Grinder before, as a guy and I’ve met guys and they didn’t realise and I didn’t realise that I was secretly being a woman the whole time, during sex was like one of my main outlets for femininity and that they didn’t even realise that I’d forgot to mention earlier [Laughs]. But like, that was, I guess another facet of it that I would meet men who found me like desirable as a woman. And then, but then I still have this hang-up that there wouldn’t be women who would find me attractive as a woman. I thought cos I’d internalised a lot of the TERF nonsense, you know, oh, you know, it’s wrong for a trans woman to expect lesbians to be attracted to her. And like all that pathetic rubbish. Like ‘cos like when I, I don't know well I met someone who was this, this lesbian, who is cis, who was really cool and I fell for her and I wanted to be like her and then I was like, but I am fucked, because no lesbians are ever gonna find me attractive because of this and this. And then, but then, I now went to a party where there were lesbians that found me attractive and I was like, wow, this is like, this really is like the social transition coming along. And like I went to this trans summer camp and all of the girls were getting with each other and I was like part of that and I was like, wow, like I’m really a girl now if I’m like a lesbian, which I don’t, I don’t identify as a lesbian now. My partner is non-binary. But like it was exciting to be like well if I can even be a lesbian like then you know I’ve really made it [Laughs].

I identify as queer or pan sexual, I think… I think primarily in terms of interaction, other than just like… I’ll just say it in my own words like and I hope that it’s okay. But I guess like for me it’s just sort of like look I’m trans and non-binary, like for me like you know people’s gender doesn’t really come into like my attraction to them, if that makes sense. Right like I, you know obviously like there’s, you know everybody has their own preferences in terms of like who you might find physically attractive in the first place, that kind of thing. But like that to me has never been really a, gender hasn’t really come into it, you know. And… I find that I have found it maybe sometimes easier to navigate you know, romantic or sexual relationships with other trans people because it’s, I think there’s always, there’s always like gonna be like a bit of worry that like with cis people it’s like oh but are you actually seeing me as like who I am, if that makes sense, right, and you’re not just seeing me as a cis woman. Whereas with other trans people like I know like I can rely on like you know this person gets it and like you know sometimes that can be more you know complicated sort of, it, feelings about like you know dysphoria and stuff like that, right, and like it’s easier to navigate those things with somebody who understands. But yeah I think mostly it becomes a question of like yeah how does, how does another person see me, because and I think importantly like when we’re talking about like sexuality and like sexual relationships or interactions, like for me it’s very important, like an important consideration the reason why I think that matters most is because well how does this mean? Like how is this gonna impact how they treat me? You know I have… I’ve definitely had like you know you know I’ve been interested in cis people, who are then just sort of like lost interest in, or felt like I had to sort of move away because like they would misgender me consistently right, and even if they were apologising for it, or anything like that, it’s like but I, you know I know how you see me and like that’s not, that’s not attractive for me. But I think it’s also like to be completely honest, like it’s a safety thing for me as well, like it’s just like I know I’ve had a lot of really negative and traumatic experiences with cis men especially, and I think it just becomes a thing of like if somebody isn’t really showing, that like they understand who I am then how are they possibly going to understand like, like heavy history of sexual trauma that you know I, how complicated consent can be, and that consent is an ongoing process all the time, right like, how can I trust them to be thoughtful and you know, you know engage in like a, you know to a multiple person interaction right, that are not just centred on themselves. So yeah it can be quite complicated yeah.

I could talk to you about Grindr that’s been very interesting that, that’s, Grindr’s been really interesting in terms of I’ve recorded like a string of sort of like messages and conversations that I’ve had, that messages that people have sent me so like really funny sort of like, my favourite is like ‘How far have you transitioned?’ or like… have to go through my phone because it’s actually really, the messages on Grindr are really telling actually I think about sort of like fetishisation in terms of okay… yeah a lot of racism but, you know, in terms of ‘Why don’t you have scars across your chest?’ ‘Do you still have a pussy?’ Lots of that. ‘Do you still have lady parts ‘Sorry if I sound dumb do you have male or female parts?’ ‘Hi do you have a pussy or do you have a juicy cock now? ‘What is a bisexual transgender please?’ ‘I would love to see what an FTM is like I’ve been with many MTF but not the other way’, ‘Wow I can’t see your scars at all’ ‘Have experience with FTM and have absolutely loved my experiences so far, would love to continue that streak let me know if you’re still looking’ [laughter] ‘Can I ask you something can you introduce me to some FTM who are up for fun, I know that’s random, I’ll be honest I find them sexy like Gods’ [laughter] ‘Are you pre-op or post-op?’ [Laughter] ‘If you’re FTM do you not have a dick?’ just like ‘How does that work, what’s your sexual organs, sorry if this is ignorant I’m just curious’, that’s the intro message. ‘How’s it going, how far have you transitioned?’ That’s the intro message and it’s just like they, this is the greeting this is not [laughter] I’ve just like been collecting messages that people send me on Grindr like straight up because, you know, yeah I think it’s really fascinating.

Unfortunately, this is a very common, a very common thing with the trans community. I think not so much as female to male. I mean I can’t speak for them because I haven’t lived their life, but I don’t feel like there is much of, and like a fetish for that. I think the chick with a dick scenario, is very highly you know highly… wanted, you know. I’ve been offered to do all kinds of things, web camming and everything when I had my original parts, and it was because you know they could pay me more, and I would be more, you know a higher fetish than biological women. So I’ve experienced that too, but kind of, I’ve always stayed away from that, every guy that I’ve ever dated has dated me because he’s liked women and he’s just always been you know very humble and open-minded to the fact that oh what I had at the time. Those guys that I spoke to then still message me now, and they know that I’ve had surgery, and they still want to take me on a date. So, I know that it’s, you know it’s, it’s got to be about you. You know they’ve got to fancy you. So, but it is difficult. And I think a lot of women you know, a lot of trans women, they struggle getting jobs, and they do end up working you know, as other professions because it’s easier, and they do get messed around a lot as well. And I think it is, that is difficult. But, that’s like a woman, you know that’s very pervy, you know, what if he’s only, you know, playing around with her because he’s not going to marry her, because how could he? But that’s one of his fetishes. It’s difficult, isn’t it? It’s hard to identify what’s real and what’s not. It’s up to you, whatever you want, you know. I’ve had, I mean I’ve slept with some guys that are, were only ever really, I think a lot of them never knew to be honest, I think when I first spoke about, they didn’t, they didn’t know that I was trans, so they fancied me before and then when they found out they were a bit like, “Oh okay,” like, “Let’s have a go. You ready?” So, it’s difficult really, I guess.

I think that the first time I like had sex with another Trans person that felt really like… eye opening or like beautiful like I think like it was yeah I think actually in terms of my sex life having sex with other Trans people has been a really sort of beautiful thing because you can kind of like there is no script there is no sort of way for two Trans people to have sex, you’re not, you’re not, you can kind of unpack a lot of that stuff, you know, like internalise about how people how people fuck, like it’s just kind of like you write your own rules and that feels really beautiful and like liberating and you kind of like, yeah it’s, it’s kind of kind of like spiritual and educational, empowering.

Yeah I think it’s been really fundamental in terms of actually like getting in touch with a certain like part of my transness has been through sexuality and through having sexual relationships with other people who are Trans I’ll think that’s been really helped me understand… so much of the way that we have sex as, as people is prescriptive and then when two people, two Trans people have sex with each other it, and also like not like, you know, it’s not like there is a way that like Trans people have sex it’s like, it actually just opens everything out because it’s kind of like starting from a baseline of like zero because you have to communicate everything so in terms of consent it, it’s it allows for such like much better communication because you’re really starting from a baseline of absolute zero.

I remember being in class. We did a biology. I went to a Catholic school and it was never like, we didn’t put condoms on a banana or anything. But it was like it was like more biological. I felt sick when I saw a lesson. I was like, I have [tp] go out. I went and threw up in the toilet. That’s when I was like, I’m asexual. Like damn this, this is revolting to me. But and I’d always felt that way afterwards. I was like, I don’t have any interest in this. And certainly that was only kind of noticed my genital dysphoria. It was like, yeah, I feel really encouraged about this, especially going through puberty and it was like, it was like my dysphoria around as I went from kind of stage to stage. But as I went through that. You get used to it eventually. But it was definitely a hard process, especially opening up to my girlfriend who was also demi sexual. We both kind of awakened to like those things the future of those as we have a relationship. And it was a difficult process opening up to her in that way, especially ‘cos like she lives in America. We were one in this relationship. That made it, I guess in a way more comfortable but also more difficult. But she helped a lot with that and understanding my own sexuality and stuff and being able to be like, yes, despite my body, I still feel these ways and I’m still okay with that and that’s been, that’s been a rewarding experience with her and definitely as I go through HRT process, that’s changed my understanding of sexuality again, ‘cos it’s like it’s changing every day and like sensations are different and all the rest and how I feel is different. My sexual drive has lowered since starting it and all the rest. But that’s been a more rewarding experience than a scary one whereas before that time beforehand my girlfriend last year. It was always very like scary and like I just feel unclean and horrible and I don’t like any of this and I don’t like the fact that I have a body and I just wanna like live in like a, a cloud [Laughs] not this ugh. It’s been less scary and more worrying now, especially as changes have started to happen with HRT and that’s been like—I feel good about this for once.

I think it’s sort of like a whole new world with like ‘cos there’s kind of sexuality in terms of, oh, do you fancy men or women, which is the usual way that the discussion is phrased. And then there’s this whole world of the energy that exists between trans people, trans people are dating each other and having sex with each other. And, like you know, just sort of how I’m attracted to women, especially trans women because there is this shared thing. There is this energy that exists between trans people and so that all gets incorporated as part of my sexuality just this thing about like how hot it is when like trans girls date each other, you know? And like and just how, how sweet it is when, you know, when you get trans couples who like support each other and when that all gets incorporated into the sexuality and then also, you know, the body parts you have and what you can do, but maybe what you can’t do in regards to dysphoria and how there’s this whole other level of communication in the bedroom in relationships and like and also with all the people I’ve met who are either asexual or a romantic or both who aren’t necessarily those, but who have romantic attraction and sexual attraction and therefore it’s separate. And that has often been the case for me in my life. And so, basically, a transitioning, the more I transition, the more of the sexuality has kind of opened up and the more I’ve been able to think about it and the more it’s kind of changed and becomes more fluid and yeah. Now it’s like it’s not just about who do you fancy, people of what gender? It’s like what attributes do I find attractive now?

And am I attracted, you know, to like trans women more than cis women or generally or am I, you know? And, I like yeah, understand now the energy that I have with my partner who is non-binary where like at moments it feels like having a boyfriend and at moments it feels like having a girlfriend. And, because they sort of are rapidly fluid, but also it’s just having a partner, you know, and it’s just them. And that gets incorporated into my own sexuality as well, as well as this. And so, yeah and just even like you have an appreciation of what is attractive because I kind of, I have this kind of down to earth moment recently where I said to a cis straight guy friend of mine, we were talking about just like a friend, a mutual friend who is a trans girl and I was, ‘Don’t you think she’s like so attractive.’ He was like, ‘No.’ And it was just like like ‘cos just, ‘cos I’d forgotten that like cis standards of attractiveness are so much, you know like kind of you have to be oh, should I put this, you know, to be all one thing or all the other and you can’t be like there’s no, I don’t know. Like some, some cis people do fancy trans people, but then, sometimes it’s in this chasery kind of fetishy way and that yeah. Most trans people I know this about it or entirely differently.