It didn’t interfere with my life huge amounts, I at this point was like in college and I had a bunch of support around me like I had people there who were like on, like on my side and so I could sort of talk about it or not talk about it as I wanted to I was at an LGBT youth group where I was actually the first trans person to be able to start hormones who had like who was currently attending the group, they’d had people sort of attend and then leave and start hormones after leaving but I was the first person who was able to, who like started hormones while I was at the group. So it was really interesting being able to talk to other trans people who kind of wanted to be where I was and sort of share my experiences of that because I think really useful for not just me but also the whole group.

What was that like for you?

I really valued being able to share my experiences with people and so I’ve like done training in schools and colleges and stuff and being able to share my experiences in the hopes that it improves experiences for other people or at least gives them more information has always been like, like really rewarding for me.

I was surprised how much of a non-issue it was. To be fair, I mean, a lot of my friends are queer and so they just kind of snapped into that quite easily, because they, it’s something that they’re used to. But just the atmosphere is so different to that, to the one, the kind of atmosphere I experience at school. So at school, basically no one was out even as LGBT. It was, unspoken taboo sort of thing. And so being at uni and having kind of everyone celebrate their identities in a way that was new and amazing, kind of gave me the, the confidence to do it. So it was, yeah, it was surprisingly easy, especially even with so even with my tutors after a little while I changed my name in the system and I fiddled with my title and you know, all that sort of stuff. And the administrator from my faculty sent round an email at my request, kind of updating everyone going, ‘Hey, this is name, pronouns. Adhere to this, please’. And there were slip ups, there always are. But, the ease with which the vast majority feel around me even, you know, people in their fifties and sixties switched was astonishing and not something I ever expected.

That’s good to know. Were there any issues, any negatives at all?

There was, there was occasionally misgendering from my tutors. There was only one person who did it. I feel like he was doing it deliberately. But he was only there temporarily anyway. So I didn’t have to see much more of him, which was a relief. I know that my university admin system in particular isn’t the best at remaining consistent. So even though I’ve changed my title everywhere, I still might get letters addressed to Miss rather than Mx and that sort of thing. So there are, there are slip ups. But no deliberate mistakes or anything like that, I don’t think.

So I remember quite early on at university, so I remember getting to university and wanting to join all of the sports teams, but then I dislocated my knee in my second week and that quickly wrote that option off, so I then started to slowly explore a lot of the social justice groups at university, one of them being so the LGBT society, and I remember, I remember speaking to and meeting a, basically the very first trans person that I’d ever met, and at the time thinking ‘I have never met anybody like this before. I’ve never met anybody with this life experience’, and I remember kind of learning a lot from them and kind of taking on board, I mean not that I ever kind of sat down and questioned them about their life, but just from the, the things that they spoke about and the things that were important to them. I remember learning a lot about how they saw the world and how they interacted with the world and, and that, that was really kind of transformative for me. And it was just hearing somebody have experiences that then I reflected on and could relate to blew my mind.

And it did take me quite a while to process that and to face that. And yeah I remember then having, so I’d almost, I’d almost kind of have that space where I’d, I kind of learn about trans issues and learn about, and, and just have the opportunity to speak to, to trans people, and then I’d kind of go away and sit with my housemates and in that kind of safe space have you know a period of time where I’d be able to talk about it, and sometimes not explicitly, but just discuss things with them.

When I started my PhD I started getting involved with the LGBTQ+ association, at the students’ union at [uni], and that was, that came at a really, a really important time point for me cos that was when I was starting to, really starting to seriously think about my ways forward, and, and working out, you know negotiating my, my gender identity in the world, whereas previously to that it had all been something I’d kept to myself. So that, that source of support at that time, finding a group of people that I can feel connected with and comfortable with, and have space to have conversations about it with, with other people who had similar experiences, that was really crucial for me at that timepoint. And was for a good couple of years through that. Towards the end of my time as a PhD student it became something I engaged with less, because I guess I felt like I was past that point, and I was I was comfortable in where I was going, I, you know it was very crucial for me at a particular time point, and I don’t necessarily feel like I actively seek those spaces as much now, or that I need to seek those spaces as much now.

At my college they offer like tons of groups and theirs is like an LGBT one. I’ve never been ‘cos I’m too busy usually goofing around at lunch. But certainly like my college provided those community options. I’m sure there are even more that aren’t like run by like a college or anything that are just run by like people. And certainly like when I’ve been at college, I’ve found other trans people and they’ve been a constant strength and support additionally we’ve been able to support each other in that regard. There’s like a tight knit community of like, we get this, we’re on the same page here. I know a lot of those, cos a I said about half the people in my college, no joke, are LGBT to some extent it’s a massive difference from when I was living, well I am still living in a small town, but living and working in a small town. That’s been, that’s been a huge boon is that we’ve like, I feel much less alone in that kind of environment to just see other trans people there it feels comforting to be like, yeah, I’m not the only person here and I’m not the only one going through this and we’re together in that regard even if everything else goes to hell, we’ve still got each other to look out for.

I became really aware of how, how terrified I was of being a boy, basically. How boring I found it. How I didn’t find the aesthetics of masculinity, the socialisation of masculinity in any way appealing. There is some parts of it that I admire and enjoy and there are definitely some parts that I benefit from if I want to pass as masculine and move through society, as such. it’s just more that I, it’s this existential dread that isn’t necessarily connected to the idea of, being in the wrong body. It’s more that the trajectory of my body is a concern and I once, umm… It was just very odd, I think. I guess I’m getting more towards like transition stuff then I’m talking about how I figured out I was, I was trans.

I think I came out as trans at the end of a long relationship where I assumed it was a heterosexual relationship between cis people and it ending meant that I was placed in this space where I could be slightly more honest about these things and develop a vocabulary to describe what I was experiencing slightly better. At the same time, I was making friends with other trans people and I just applied to go and study at uni for a year. When I was there, I moved into like a queer commune and realised, ‘Oh there a spaces where people specifically can develop their lives a bit better’. It gives you an image of like potential futures – the whole idea of ‘imagined futures’ is really important I think for queer people. But I just felt, I don’t know, even in spaces like that it’s really difficult. I’m 6ft 3″ and I feel like I just physically and emotionally take up a huge amount of space.

I think the earliest signs that I was trans or non-binary were probably when I was around 13, 14, 15 and I’d like, I’d like ask people to do my makeup or I’d like I don’t know, I’d purposefully sort of like, this sounds stupid now, but sort of like ‘twink up’ my clothing and just try and be the most effeminate boy possible. And looking back now, I really wish I’d acted on seeking some help medically then as opposed to doing it now, cos now like I’m out of puberty, there are some things that like I’m dysphoric about that I know aren’t gonna change. Or if they do change, they’ll change in a way that I, I don’t know I want to.

The reason I feel like ‘non-binary’ is more specific is cos like I don’t want to try and pass as a trans woman, I don’t think, I don’t think that would make me happy. I think there is a degree of social ambiguity of sexual ambiguity that I find quite uncomfortable as well. And I don’t know, just saying the word out loud, just like saying, “I don’t feel like a boy”, but realising that I felt comfortable with they/them pronouns was a big thing as well. Just sitting thinking like, ‘This is, oh, like I can choose to do this’, it’s exciting that I can choose to do this. Which sounds silly now, because like it’s such a small thing and I was worried that it was performative or annoying, but it’s not, like, if it feels right, it’s probably a signifier. That there’s something you want to change. So, when I did, I do feel a lot better. So that’s where I came to where I am now.

There’s like all sorts of things to consider. Like going to uni for example, you know – how, how do you want to present going to university? That, that I think that’s probably the question that sort of plays on my mind now especially filling out UCAS forms and things like that which are terrible anyway the UCAS forms I, I don’t know if, you know, but there’s this whole thing about gender options that’s limited to male and female and that’s all. They, they’ve got, they’ve got an Mx title but male or female which, which is so unbelievably dumb to me in that just have, male or female doesn’t even describe sex like there, there is a very legitimate probability that there is some percentage of the population out there that that isn’t male or female that they’re intersex as in biologically they have XXY chromosomes or something like that in which case, it doesn’t even apply to them biologically never mind in their social identity. So that, that’s been a grey question I’ve been stressing about in regards to uni in what gender do I even put on my UCAS because that will affect gendered dorms and stuff like this and it’s been a really big pain [laughter].

So it, it is kind of whenever you are sort of moving onto the like the next thing is kind of ‘Hey there’s decisions to be made in that regard’. But I suppose that’s, that, that’s why I’m working through it now and that’s the sort of big decision on the horizon about like how, how am I gonna be at uni and I think a big part of uni as well is setting up support networks and stuff like this yeah. So, it’s in a way stressful but also I’m really excited to go to uni so it, it’s stressful in a hopeful way and that I’m excited for it but also worried, yeah.

Uni has actually been really great which I was surprised by I have my tutor has made sure to email all my other lecturers and things, my name’s been updated as well on the system even though it hasn’t legally been updated by deed poll there’s the notes and stuff put on the system. I’ve been also given mental health support as well which I was quite surprised by because I know that’s under massive strain at the minute but that was offered to me as well in case I find like getting on with my studies difficult when I’m having periods where I’m not feeling great about myself, so Uni’s been amazing yeah.

Well that’s good to know. And what’s been most important about, do you think University and their services?

it’s just been nice to have a safe space to be able to go it’s, I think it’s important for Trans people to be able to have a space as well to talk about how they’ve been feeling instead of just having to shut up and bottle it up and not talk about it and act like everything’s fine. Because being trans comes with, it’s great but it’s also really difficult when you live in this type of world so it’s really important to have a place where you can talk about things and your experiences and stuff and we’ve got a Student Union as well which has got I think we’ve got three, three Trans people and we’ve got a lot of different identities, we’ve got gay, bisexual, lesbian and I go to that every two weeks which is really great just to have that little community as well to talk to and have a laugh about stuff that you can’t laugh about with other people, so yeah Uni’s been good

I changed my name with them literally a few days before I came to Uni, because that’s when I got my deed poll, and they were on it like that, they were really quick with it. I haven’t, other than in a messed up email address that I got, I haven’t had a problem with seeing my dead name anywhere, so they were really good in terms of changing details and that. The wellbeing service have been also really helpful with LGBT issues, cos they’re very inclusive and very knowledgeable about that stuff, and they hand out really good like helplines, like trans helplines and that. Other senses, I got misgendered by a lecturer once, but I mean I’m pretty, I mean like well you can’t really do anything about that, but overall it’s been good.

Did you confront them once you were misgendered, or did anyone confront them? Or anything happen?

When I get misgendered, it’s more embarrassing than anything, so to save the embarrassment I just kind of shrug it off and give them a weird look, like Are you crazy?’ or something like that. But the thing is she was talking to another one of my lecturers at the time, when she said it, and that’s, it kind of gave more embarrassment because then he was like, he looked at me and he was like this [lowers head and sighs] like, so it was, it was just really embarrassing more than anything, so I didn’t want to get more embarrassed so I just left it.

it’s been pretty positive like I don’t always get read as male but you know, at University I’ve been, lucky enough to kind of be like if someone’s misgendered me or if someone’s kind of, yeah used the wrong pronouns or stuff, I’d be like hey it’s actually he or hey [name] you know, I’m a Trans guy and they’ve been like, got it, apologies and moved on so I’ve been lucky in that regard. There have been some non-direct issues I’ve had so there’s a lecturer at my University who is very outspokenly transphobic on Twitter and when I was [laughter] when I was at a counter protest against a meeting of transphobic people to be transphobic and shitty I kind of attended a counter protest there and a picture of me amongst other protestors was kind of shared and this lecturer actually described us as hateful, I believe hateful men and deluded lesbians which was interesting I did get in contact with my University and, what’s the word like equality unit and they were really helpful, really lovely you know, kind of said like I didn’t want, you know, my name involved in it and they were very good about not kind of just having a general complaint and just kind of generally what’s the word yeah they were really helpful, really supportive, you know, really took me seriously and listened to my concerns.

The lecturer does still work there and basically nothing has changed except the twitter now reads views are my own but yeah but I appreciate that there’s limited that people can do and I didn’t, you know, it’s not like I wanted, I didn’t want, you know, the lecturer to necessarily lose their job but I was concerned and still am concerned that they’re, because they are very obviously biased against Transgender people they are partly responsible for choosing PhD and Masters applications I feel they would be very biased against any Transgender applicants which is a concern of mine but I’ve kind of pushed it as far as I can go and once the you know, the equality team have been great, they listened to me but there’s only so much they can do they’re not in charge of that kind of stuff and it’s kind of yeah.

But when it came to actually having the complaint heard that was good and like the main negative I’ve had at University, the only other issues were kind of like just general ignorance and kind of transphobia just not through malice, not through, just not knowing better, which still kind of can suck but people have been, well I’ve kind of said like actually biological male or biological female was not really the terms used or the terms that are preferred to be used and kind of does come across as quite, or can come across as transphobic or not kind of because the idea of biology is so, you can’t narrow it down to one thing and it’s all kind of a social construct and, you know, I’m going to deep theory about this which is [laughter] for hours which but you know when I’ve kind of said to, you know hey instead of saying biological male, biological female you can say cis male, cis female, they’ve gone cool, thank you for letting me know and that’s kind of been good so that’s been again positive on my end.