Erion

Honestly, like finally having a word to describe a lot of what I was feeling because I hadn't realised, I didn't realise that people didn't feel the same way I did like people weren't just going around feeling super uncomfortable all the time with like the bodies that they had or like really hating their voices and hating like just generally like their body or their posture or like just little things like a kind of, you kind of get brushed off as like ‘oh that is just plain puberty. Everybody, emotions, hormones, that's fine.’ And like nobody ever told me that was not right. So then, finally sitting down with someone who goes, hey that's called dysphoria and that's a very common thing for trans people. And I was like, that fits, that feels right. And it was like just I think for me like a massive weight off my shoulders like knowing like all of these emotions I have had for, my god, like twelve years for me now, at least that were like, you know, valid and real. And that like other people have had those experiences and it was just like such a freeing thing to know that it wasn't sort of just a single, isolated experience of you know, just your standard like weird, oppressed kid, but instead it was like no, like there is actually a bit more to this and yeah there’s a word for that and going through that label and really going yeah, no I am trans and like that is my identity. Yeah was just ah, massive, massive weight.

I think a lot of especially a lot of trans youths, depending on the time that they come out kind of have probably already tried other identities and I was one of those people and a lot of people I then have consequently spoken to have been those people as well where you maybe come out as like gay or bi first because you’re either kind of going okay, so from a sexuality point of view, there’s something going on [laughs]. You kind of go with that one first. And then you kind of get the vocabulary, but you are kind of testing it out and so I think I ended up coming out like three times, maybe, I think. Because I think the first time I was like, I am a lesbian. I am a very butch lesbian. And then I was like, oh no, no, I am not, I am just very bisexual. And then finally it was like, I am bisexual and I’m trans. And so for, because I just live with my mum like she was really the only person I cared about to come out to and you know from sort of a family perspective because she has the nuance that any time we need to do news in our family, she is the one who will pass it on in a respectful way and get everybody on board with it. So when I had initially come out as, yeah, being gay she was like, okay, that’s gonna take a minute for me to work around because she has her own sort of ingrained religious biases, really, and it was quite a hard concept for her to grasp.

But you know it took her, it took her a couple of months to be open to the idea that like I may or may not have girlfriend or whatever. Then obviously coming out as bisexual she was like, okay, and that is a real thing, is it? And I am like, well, the acronym includes it [laughs] and so, yes, it is a real thing. I was like and even if it's not in that, you know it's how I am choosing to identify and that deserves respect in any of its forms. You know, whether that is you know, being pansexual instead of bi like it's equally valid and that was quite an interesting thing for her to grasp because, so I think she just hadn't had that much exposure to queer people in general. And so, for her it was a lot of biases about what people with those labels should be and what they should look like. And so then, yeah, I probably came out to her, what year would it be now, four or five years ago as being trans this time, and that I think was definitely the hardest one. Because you know, kind of in the same way I've always done it and I always had that, I think a lot of people do that, irrational theories and even if you are super close with your family.

Even if you know that they are the most like loving people on the planet you still are sort of ingrained from those like horror stories that people are like being kicked out on the spot or that they have had these super negative experiences where their parents just never talk to them again. Things that I was saying like even historically I had had two coming outs that were perfectly fine. It was still like, there was something a bit heavier about this one, and you know so I kind of did it and like I sat there and I was like, what do you think? And she was like, it's gonna be a lot harder for me to deal with, but I will deal with it the best I can. But that might take me a while. And it did for her trying to use different pronouns and trying to use a different name. It was a lot more stressful for her I think because a lot of parents kind of get stuck in their head that you know, it’s the sort of like the death of a child or like you know, especially if they renounce their name or things like that, it’s, you know, they feel like they have lost that kid that they have raised when it's as I’d tried to explain it to my mum it's like, but it's not, it's, you are just getting the kid that you should have had the whole time and that's, I think that's the bit that really sort of brought her around to it and made her a bit more active was that she was like, oh, so, you know, had we had the words, you know, we would have had ten years to deal with this instead of five or there could have been a lot more done, but yeah, it was an interesting experience and I think now that she knows a lot more about the community it's been a lot more it's been a lot easier for her to sort of do that.

I think a lot of trans people do and a lot of parents of trans kids have to do is the constant coming out to people you have not spoken to recently [laughs]. You know, where they’re like, hey, I've not seen your son/daughter/child in a while. She goes ah, they are not my son anymore, they are my daughter, or they’re not my, and so on and so forth. She’s got a lot better with that now having sort of sat there in the months and then like year after me like coming out and going, look, this is the community I am in. This is the vocabulary that we use. This is how I wanna be referred to and I think it became equal parts educational experience and equal parts of you know, a personal journey sort of thing. So yeah, it was a bit scary, but you know, I had the backing of all my friends and all that sort of stuff, so, it's definitely not as bad as it probably could have been. But no, alright.

Things got weird [laughs] I would say because I initially went to university to do politics. People on that course, they were always characters and the people that I lived with were not so happy about me trying to explore my gender journey at all. And so it got into a very weird position where they were not respecting me in any way. And it was the healthiest and safest thing for me to do, to leave. Even though up until that point, you know, within my friend groups and other people I have known for many, many years, they were all calling me [name] and they were all using he/him pronouns for me. But just in like this cocoon of university where in theory I should have felt the most open. I’ve had to be like way way back into yeah, just being very sad. But, thankfully, when I changed to this uni I managed sort out with everybody that you know, all my lecturers, everybody that I know there knows me as [name], that’s all they’ve ever known me as.

What was your experience of getting information related to trans healthcare?

Shocking. Shocking. The so, if the first instance of it that I saw was a pamphlet in my GP's surgery that just said, sexual health for trans people or something like that, yeah, and it was super respectful, but there was like no other signposting. It was very much like this is what we do for trans people when they have anything to do with their sexual health. I was like, okay, hmm, okay. And then trying to look it up. The NHS is very like PC on it. And especially at the time that I was trying to look on the NHS you know they didn't include non-binary identities at all, I don't think. Not that I can remember anyway. They were kind of very much like you HAVE to do hormones, you HAVE to have surgery to be valid as a trans person and that sort of thing was still that sort of like discourse is still iterated by my GP as well.

Something like, hey, I think I'm trans, what sort of support and what sort of information is there from like a medical perspective so I can look into this more and see what’s the best choice for me and he was shocking. He just was like, I've never met a trans person before, I’m not sure. we covered the transsexuals once when I was in medical school. And I just sat, yeah, that's the face I made as well. I was like, Mmm… right. He was like but you can have the surgery and you will be fine, right? [Laughs]. I am like, Sir, I am 18 and this is, even I know what you are saying is not right. It took a lot of like going through on my sort of like trans survival guides. People who have found resources already and I was like, you’re doing the Lord's work thank you and that kind of eventually led me to things like WPATH can't remember what it stands for, but like the world association of trans healthcare people, that one.

I didn't realise I have the right to change my GP for ages. Like that just wasn't information that they told you like but it's pretty clearly there. They were like if your GP has been unwilling to help, you can ask for a new one. Like ah what? Nice. And now I actually have a guy that actually knows a bit more about trans people, which is great. But yeah, I think without really if you are just going from a GP direct route, the extent they have is like a print out of the NHS website that is like, you will feel this exact feeling and to resolve that feeling you will have these three things and it's like, that's not the same for everybody like there are, for me, at least like I don't get dysphoria about the same things that you know another trans male, trans masculine friend of mine has. But we’re both still trans. You know it doesn't mean we are entitled to any less of the same healthcare or the same like opportunities with our health as the next person. And yet, if you’re just going by those guidelines straight off that you can, you only get in from your GP and they are going, if you match this criteria tick,tick,tick,tick, you’re good. That is not the same for everybody. So yeah it took a lot of digging to get the right information, really. Got there eventually.

When you bring up the idea of going private, they are not the biggest fans and I think because there are so few people working in this field to begin with and then also because it's very highly sort of publicised as well when there’s failures within this field to whatever extent they are. The scepticism for anything you do is through the roof. And yeah, I mean, the experience I had was the initial private clinic that I had chosen, you know I went to my GP and I was like, hey can you run some blood tests? He was like, no, I will not do them because I disagree with that clinic and I am like, okay, that’s fine. If I go to another one will you do them then? And his response was just like, I'd rather you didn't. And if you do, you’ll have to deal with the repercussion of the fact that I will probably not do those blood tests, I will not support you by continuing with any of your journey unless you stick with the NHS route. And they’re also under quite a lot of misconceptions that, you know, like with other referrals, sometimes you can drop a line and be like, hi, my patient is really struggling, can you expedite this? You can't do that with the NHS waiting lists because they are so long and I am sure they get many, many requests of that nature that say, you know, my patient is really struggling because they have been on this waiting list for two years. Is there anything you can do and their response was always no.

And I said you know you say this and I said this to, you know my GP and he was like, there’s nothing you can do. That's like a waste of paper, you trying to do that because they will copy paste the exact same reply that's the extent of what they will do. They will say, sorry, the waiting list is how it is, we’re really swamped, we have got a lot of trans people who want healthcare. And it's like, well yeah, no, no kidding. So of course I am gonna try a private option because I’ve, I had the means to do that. So why wouldn't I if I you know, have that sort of opportunity and there is also nothing that says, you can't do that. You know, that you are allowed to mix public and private, you know, provided that once you especially if you start private really least you continue then on through the NHS. But I shouldn't have to explain that to my GP and it seems that I've had to do that quite a lot because especially now that I've got like a, I'm supposed to be starting T in February, fingers crossed. No, very excited. And literally from the only reason I managed to do that is from like sitting with my GP and being like, look, like I get you are not comfortable with it, but either I have to wait another 18 months just for an initial appointment and then another 6 months to possibly be prescribed T, either that happens or you let me go to this private clinic, I get on it in 6 months and you look after me the way you would any other patient because if I was I, literally gotten a little bit angry with him. I was like, if I came in here and I needed my knee replaced, I'd have my knee replaced next week. But somehow people who just wanna feel more comfortable in their skin every day, we have to wait for years to make sure we are sure. I am quite sure. I am very sure that this is what I want. And, you know, I am not the same as 90% of people that might not be as sure, they might need that extra like few months with a therapist or with counselling or something like that. That's fine. Like, you know that's inevitable. But for the people that are sure and are taking the active steps to go down that route and to say, you know, through a private clinician is this is who I am. That is what I want, this is what I'm going for, to then only be shot down by their doctor who is saying, I feel more comfortable with NHS.

It’s just. It was incredibly frustrating and it's kind of a tad demeaning because the idea that only the NHS can really diagnose you is just like fundamentally wrong because all of the private clinicians generally work through the NHS as well. Oh. Yeah, that’s my thoughts on GPs.

How would you describe the waiting list?

Awful. Awful. Shocking. A long radio silence. Like they and there's a lot of like I don't know what the word is. There is a word for it. Let's say it's like different depending on where you look. On like the letter I initially got it was like, our waiting times exceed 18 months. I was like, oh, alright. And then on their website it says 28 months, right? Then you know, I kind of I was part of like a trans Facebook group like trans masc people and I said, okay, has anybody got a referral for [city]? and someone was like, yeah, I've been on it for three years. [Laugh] Like, great. Like it's just, I would much rather have known up front that it could have been that long. Yeah and I know it changes all the time as well. But even though at the time of that letter you know, their website is saying, 24 and yet their letter is saying 18 or 28 even. And you know the letter saying 18 —it's just like what’s the point in saying that?

Because even adding in excess yeah, that can be any length of time. But it's so frustrating if you’re, you know if you've got these people that have taken that step and then you are not even giving them a clear indication of how long or signposting them to the information that says, you know, how long you are expected to wait. But also obviously, because of how many people are on the waiting list, they can't tell you how long you are expected to be there for as well, which is super frustrating.

And the issue I’ve came across with [city] as well was when I was trying to find my information about their waiting list, they don't have their own website, it's part of like the you know, [city] Care Commission Group thing. And then it's like in a tab, in a tab, in a embedded page sort of thing. If you don't know how to get there, you are not gonna find the information you need. It's not where you expect it to be and then finally it says like in a very small bit at the bottom like, we have recently invited people who are on the waiting list or like who had referrals sent out in, you know, 20-whatever. We've invited those people. But then that didn't change for like 8 months. So it's like, well, how accurate is that? Are you updating that? Like what is going on but then you obviously can't call them to be like sorry, is that right, or is it? [Laugh] What’s going? So yeah it's long and arduous and super frustrating.

What kind of feelings do you have around hormones and the changes and stuff like that?

I mean, overwhelmingly positive [laugh]. I think having a lot of people and myself included, the minute you kind of claim that identity and then you realise what options you have got available, and then you read up on those options, it's like less of like a dream and more of a very likely reality and you just kind of get in your own head quite a bit about like, ooh, like the minute I start on, you know, hormones, I'm going to have like my voice is gonna sound like, it's going to amazing. You know, that pretty much sums up my thoughts just like sheer excitement because you know, for me, there are no downsides to hormones like I’m an alright bald, like male pattern baldness runs in my family, I’m not fussed about it. Been bald before, not an issue. Great, I'll be a baldy, it's wonderful. But then like, yeah, like there’s so many people that just get hung up on the parts of hormones and say, kind of they wish they could pick and choose. I get that like it's a very all or nothing that there are situations. But then I get even within that everybody's built differently, you know, people react to things in a different way. You know, people I know who have been on hormones for years now, some of them have never grown beards, never. It's just not happened. Their follicles don't like it. Then others like three months and they are just like beard. But it's like, you know, there is like not much around the maybe. I think for me, I’m like, I don’t care. Whatever they give me I will take because that's what makes me comfortable. That's what I am happy with and yeah, yeah. A lot of happy thoughts. Happy hormones thoughts [laugh].

I mentioned previously was like having sickle cell anaemia, which does not commonly affect white people, but I am not white. So, that's been a bit of a nightmare because you know, my GP knows so that’s not really an issue. But I’ve long term dental treatment as well because, genetic issues. And when I have to have blood tests there or information, the amount of times they've said, I'm sorry, you've ticked the wrong thing on your sheet or you can't have sickle cell and I'm like ah, but I do, well look I do. Like just the amount of assumptive bias, really. They assume one thing and then go, ooh no, that's also not it and against their own sort of profile then they go, ah, that doesn't fit with my notion of what I think you are. It's like uuh, that's not it.

I think people forget that, one, you can be part of a lot of different communities whether that's race, gender, sexuality, disability, whatever. And you also there's not one way to be any of those things [laughs]. You know, like sometimes I can't walk and so I have like a stick or just other assistive stuff. But sometimes I can walk just fine. That doesn't mean I am any less able [laughs] any of the other times. That can just be super frustrating to have to hash all that sort of stuff out over and over again because you know, they assume that because you can walk this one time, you can walk all the time and I'm like, you've seen me for ten to maybe twenty minutes at a time, how is that indicative of my everyday life? And so that can cause quite a lot of issues in the sense of trying to get sufficient care and even if I'm aware of a complication that might arise as a result of one of my conditions, if it's not immediately visible it's not necessarily believed.

I am quite lucky in the sense that in the [county] we have - I don’t know whether it’s outside the [county] - something called, Umbrella Healthcare which is an amazing resource – wonderful. They twin with pharmacies and like sort of places like that so that when you need to see a pharmacist for like sexual health they are trained to be sort of mindful, listen to you. They deal with like HIV, STI and but I think they also deal with sexual assault. You know, unwanted pregnancies like all sorts. But they also do like home testing and stuff like that. So, from a home testing perspective, oh my God it's amazing because you can literally say like, here’s my identified sex at birth and then you go here’s how I actually identify and then they use your preferred pronouns the entire way throughout and it's just like really lovely because like it can already be kind of awkward if you are not that open about talking about sexual health.

The media does, seems very content to use anything they can find as ammunition to support their own narrative that this is not the best option for our children [sigh] I think it's incredibly frustrating because they go into a lot of these things without all the facts or with manipulations of the facts and like yeah, trans healthcare in the media recently has been shocking with no thanks to one terrible author, but [laughs]. That is a rage, I just, it frustrates me because it’s you know, people who aren't part of the community or they do the, I have gay friends and so I can talk about this topic and it’s just, no you can't. No you can't. It's not your topic to talk about. And sitting there making these wide statements. Wide, broad, damaging statements that are untrue, really or very like warped versions of the truth. It's just like so damaging because we don't get good coverage. We barely have resources as it is. So for any kid or any youth or anyone, really, even a parent trying to learn more looks up anything to do with trans healthcare and all of a sudden they see, oh, you know, Tavistock, it's supplying surgery to children. No they are not, they can't, they are physically not allowed, you know? Or like, they’re giving hormones to kids. They are given blockers, they give under 18’s blockers and it's a reversible thing. But, you know, people are reading the narrative they want to read and it's like, you know, and because it's so sensationalised, people are taking that as law and then they think they are experts themselves. So when something else happens that, you know, someone maybe not had the best experiences or with people who, you know, like maybe detransition, which is a very small percentage, very small. And even within that percentage like you know, having looked into it, like a lot of that percent of people who do detransition is not because they're not trans, it's because the situation they are in is not conducive to a good transitioning environment as opposed to, oh, I was quite sure I was, but actually now I'm definitely not. You know, it's nice to have all of these feelings, but my family and friends and workplace are not supportive of me. But they’ll see, you know, that percentage of people that have “changed their minds” as they seem to so fondly put it, and it's actually a lot more complex than that like, you know, it's not cut and dry matter. It's not that straightforward and having these very often cis people, don’t think there’s many trans people that tend to go on the offensive quite like JK Rowling does. But it's these cis people that are like, I don't feel comfortable with the limited information that I have in my experiences and I am happy to share that with the wider world and because you know, their voices are heard more than trans voices are heard, which is unfortunate but it's just how it is. We run at a deficit where the information we need regarding healthcare goes under the radar like all the good that happens is gone in the face of one, you know, one person's experience you know, whether that's second-hand or even further along you know, it's just damning and it's frustrating and it's like I don't know, it gets me at my wick, because people are trying to have input in a conversation that is not their conversation to have.

I think firstly that they understand that it's a learning process for everyone involved a lot of the time. You know, whether that's, like I sometimes have to bring my mum to advocate for me because of my other health conditions. And that’s like the whole barrel of fish, or whatever the idiom is, but you know even in instances like that, my mum might trip up on my pronouns or like maybe the medical record has not been updated or they have got you know a letter from years ago that uses my birth name. Everybody seems to sort of you know, tiptoe around the fact that you know, that happened in the first place. And it’s really, if I’m with my GP, yes, he might mess up my pronouns. That's fine, as long as he knows that correct way to sort that out and be like oh, I'm really sorry, you know, I used she/her, that’s not what by are going by now, obviously not. You know, but I think, yeah, they kind of don't realise that I might come in one day presenting super masc and being like, you know, this is my vibe today, respect it. But in the same breath, I might come in, you know, two weeks later you know, and be a bit more femme in my presentation. But that doesn't make me any less trans masc. That doesn't invalidate my identity in any way. But, I just wanna be comfortable and I really like dungarees, you know it’s really not that hard to grasp. And yet, you know, the one time I mentioned dungarees because the one time I did wear dungarees my G, well one of the GPs that I saw who’s not my regular GP was like, oh, but it says on here that you are trans, but you are wearing—so you, you’re back to being a girl now? Yeah. Because of dungarees. [Laugh] And I was like, excuse me, no, that's not how it works, it's called clothing and it's not gendered. It shouldn't be. But you know, for some people they are trying to work out what their gender expression is and if they, if you know, if I'd sat there and gone through the quite frankly sometime humiliating process of trying to disclose my trans status. Trying to sort out my name and sort out my preferred pronouns, all of that to then, you know, come in dressing in a comfortable way, for me and have that almost immediately invalidated, oh pardon me. I think it's just like, it's ridiculous and you know, especially for younger people than me and especially when I was younger and still sort of figuring everything out like I wasn't presenting sort of male full time like I was still kind of going, well I don't know like do I feel comfortable like this or is this the best sort of thing for me and a lot of GPs don't understand that that is part of the process.

It is going, it's trying things out and seeing what fits and some people don't feel comfortable and like some trans masc people don't feel comfortable you know, wearing more like feminine clothing. And that's fine, you can do that. And some people do because that's also fine. And a lot of GPs are rather rigid in their idea of what you know, a trans person could look like, and they just don't understand that people can deviate from that because you can get that level of deviation from cis people too. You wouldn't you know, if my Mum rocked up who could not be more of a cis woman, you know, and was wearing like a full blown tux or something, your GP wouldn’t go, oh, [name], are you a man now? They just don't do it. You know, and they shouldn't do it to trans kids either. You know, it's just humiliating, probably the most polite way of saying it, like, it's ridiculous. And I think as well a lot of them, I wish they knew how hard it is sometimes to be recognised in the way that you want from both a social perspective, but also from like a deed poll perspective because a lot of them seem to think that you need to have it like signed off by a judge and rubber-stamped with approval. I printed mine off at uni [laughs] and I got two of my mates to sign it, like that's all you need because that's all that's all that's relevant and they are like and, you paid for it, right? No, I didn't. Because the people that are making you do that, that's a scam [laughs]. Like, it's ridiculous and it doesn't make it any less valid like, I’ve used that ratty-arsed slip of paper to change pretty much every part of ID that I own. And yet, you know, if I rock up to my GP and I'm like hey, I just need to change my name, here’s my Deed Poll. Sorry I just, I had two copies and I gave her the copy and she was like, oh, great, lovely. I will just get that scanned in.

Just generally more inclusive, I think is the thing. I think there needs to be more consistent training for especially for trans inclusivity and so you know, recognising you know, say if somebody has changed their name, but their like gender marker is different. Having that, being able to like talk to someone in a way that isn't isolating, isn't sort of humiliating and being like, hey, you know, is the name that's on your record the name that you are using or what pronouns you wanna use? And I think that's like really should be normalised across the board really is just like being able to ask people things like that or at least having people that are, you know, supportive and who are allies and know the correct way to deal with this and it just doesn't seem like there is enough there to give people that education. I think they get strung up in quite a lot of it, oh it's always been this way, it's always you know, we've always done it like this. And it's like, well, maybe you should change it and be more inclusive. Because if you are going through med school and you are going through even as, you know, receptionist or even as, you know, an assistant in whatever field you're in. Like if your only exposure to a trans person is a patient for the first time ever or you know, the media like that's like, how are you supposed to give adequate care if you barely know what's going on? It's the same thing that applies to a variety of like the protected characteristics groups anyway. Like especially for trans healthcare. It's like just learn how to be polite and inclusive and even just like you know, learning the basics of what the journey is for a person or you know, like learning just like the little things or like you know, if you have to do a physical exam on AFAB when they're binding like what's the safest way to approach that or how to be like, hey I notice you are binding, are you doing that safely or you know, even just saying, hey, I just need to get like just up underneath that and how do you want me to go about doing that? What's comfortable for you in a way that doesn't still invalidate their. It's probably about the most important thing, just how to be respectful. Ugh, gosh. It's such an awful thing to say. Just respect people, it’s all I want.