It would be like a mental tally in my mind what I’d eaten throughout the day, and if say for instance I had something that I class as bad like a chocolate bar or something, then, and I didn’t make myself sick, then that would kind of weigh on my mind for the rest of the time and I’d go through the rest of the day feeling really rubbish about myself and thinking…
And sometimes it’ll be a case of like “Oh well I’ve had a rubbish day now anyway like going to, it’s, I’ve done really badly I might as well eat whatever I want because it’s not… so then I’d eat a lot of really bad things for me, and then it would be inevitable that I’d make myself sick anyway. So it was kind of, like it would get worse like that. But if, yeah, so it was a constant weighing on your mind that you’d eaten something bad and if, knowing that if you’re, if I made myself sick then I wouldn’t have that weighing on my mind. It was like it never happened, so I got to kind of enjoy eating whatever it was but I now don’t even have to have the bad consequences of it. So it was, it’s like in a warped kind of way I made it into a kind of a win win situation in my head. Like I didn’t see anything wrong with it, I kind of thought it was you know a good thing to be doing, or not a good thing but it made sense to be doing and.
Yeah like immediately beforehand it would just be like I couldn’t think of anything else but like I knew I just had to do it, there was, it was like I had no choice, so I just felt so like fat and disgusting and like just un… it was just unbearable and like yeah unbearably kind of greedy, and like overindulgent and things. So I’d be like well if I make myself sick then it won’t like, I won’t feel like this anymore, I’ll, I’ll have the opportunity of getting skinnier and you know it won’t happen again. I won’t do something that stupid, like eat that much again. That was like, I’ll just get this, get this one out of the way and then I’ll start again, I won’t do this again.
And then I’d make myself sick and then I’d like, it would immediately be off my mind, like immediately like a relief, like I wouldn’t, I didn’t have all this fatty horrible food inside me and I wasn’t like, okay I’d messed up and not eaten the right things and I, like I’d done wrong by eating lots of really bad fatty things, but at least I didn’t have to kind of pay the consequences for it. And I didn’t have to yeah I didn’t have to have all these extra calories inside me, they were now forgotten about, they were out of the way. They weren’t in me anymore so I can now go on and, and like build and have it, and just eat good things for now and it would be better, and I’d be skinny and life would be brilliant.
But yeah, so after the feeling, like relief and like it was out of the way and it would, things would get better, like inevitably if you eat something else bad or that you class as bad you know that last time you felt so much better after making yourself sick and you felt like you didn’t have to worry about it. So you eat something and then the worry’s there again.