And what had happened was… So I was taken from my bed in Intensive Care which is a very cosy place to be. You’re very well looked after and there’s all the latest equipment, to suddenly no TV, my bed didn’t sit up with the press of a button. I had the catheter removed that was just like, I had the catheter removed. So I hadn’t been on my feet for a week and then I was just expected to get up and get on with it. When I say expected to get up and get on with it, I mean looked after baby. All on my own.

 

Now even a new mother has her husband for support the first night home. I was totally alone, and this midwife didn’t really spot that at all. You know, the first time I went to the toilet I shuffled, also you know, I’d had a Caesarean. Then I’d had, been cut open again and had a major abdominal surgery, plus I was incredibly weak from all the blood loss and so on. And I sort of shuffled off to the toilet. She sort of came running with a jug of water. Oh pour this to stop the stinging. I said, “I had a Caesarean.” “Oh yes, of course silly me, yes, okay, yes okay.”

 

And then like, you know, I noticed these cribs that attach onto the side of the bed, the baby can co-sleep and I commented on, “That looks good.” “Oh they’re for our Caesarean patients.” “That would be quite nice for me, because I’m not really very mobile.” I don’t think I got one. I think I had a… Anyway.

 

And then through the night, I actually had what I kind of look back on, I felt like I was in a survival mode through that first night because I was left on my own with the baby. Now bearing in mind the baby had been looked after by the nurses at night. This is my first night out of intensive care. And my first night with the baby, all on my own, with no support whatsoever. In fact no one. So I remember her crying in the middle of the night and me going, “Right she needs a bottle. Now I can do this.” And you know, it’s like getting out of bed, pushing the baby in little thing down the hall. It was all dark and quiet, no one was there. It was like, a bit abandoned. Right I know there’s a place to get hot water and I’m getting the hot water and I’m going back to the bed. And it was just, and then I accomplished it, the baby was fed and the baby went down again. 

 

I mean just preposterous really when you, when you think about it, to not have someone on hand and, or even be left in that position really. And I remember thinking actually when I left the hospital, if I win the lottery I think there should be a suite that allows fathers to stay over in very difficult circumstances. Because no one should be expected to do that alone. You, you know you would have support, even as a normal Mother. 

 

Well actually, yes, I did actually ask about that and I was given, Daisy, you know, one of these electric pumps and I was pumping actually. I did pump and even though I was in intensive care for a week, I wasn’t breastfeeding her during that time, I did do some pumping. And when I went… when I was transferred to the post, post natal ward, I did actually start breastfeeding her. I was quite concerned because I was pumped full of a lot of drugs, and I did ask all these drugs, and I was assured that it wasn’t a problem and it would be safe. So I did start breastfeeding her, and even though she had been bottle fed for the first week, she didn’t have any problems latching on. And I did actually go on to breastfeed her for about three weeks. But truthfully my milk never really came in, you know, it just didn’t. And I started supplementing with a bottle quite quickly and it’s not a very big jump to suddenly saying this is too much. I’m going to be making a bottle anyway, let’s… I’ve done my, I’ve done my best and my milk was not going to come in and my Mother hadn’t successfully breastfed, my sister hadn’t. So they were both sort of quite encouraging to say, enough call it a day. Well who’s to say your milk would have come in anyway? It was very disappointing, but to be honest it was not top of my concerns by that point. So, I was bottle fed.

 

 

Quite it’s a bit unrealistic for them to expect that you’d have enough nourishment to share after all of that. I think you’ve got to kind of replenish your own natural blood supply and stuff. But I did, I did have that bonding moment, and we did sort of give it a go. 

 

But yes, it was really, really difficult to, to sort of, but I think one of the hardest things was I felt very alienated from my peers at the time, which must be something that you come across quite a lot. 

 

Obviously I had been part of NCT ante natal group. And you know, I tried my best. I went along to the meeting, you all do after all the babies are born. But you know, who’d want to have someone like me around at that time [laughs]. You know, and then with the yoga group, same thing. And it didn’t take long before I distanced myself quite quickly. I felt very bitter. Very uncomfortable being round people who seemingly had it so easy. And of course, everybody wants to tell you how awful their experience was. And I still can’t tolerate it. I have no tolerance for someone who wants to cry because they got a Caesarean. Awful isn’t it? Just imagine. You know, and I have evolved since then and I do appreciate that to some people their emotions can be more sensitive to things and I am, I do appreciate that now. But it’s not a topic I’ll gladly sit down and chatter about. I just excuse myself from it.

 

Well it went further than that, I mean I felt alienated from my sister, I mean it really did impact on my relationships for many, many years, probably until, until I completed my family last year. So you know, it’s, seven years of basically feeling quite alienated in that way. Although to be fair time does resolve a lot and you do come to terms with things. And start dealing with things, but yes, it does alienate you from whole age group. I remember I wrote a diary at the time, and I remember writing you know, “Oh gosh, I’ve got to deal with this for the next however many fertile years, me and my peers have or would have.” You know, that’s what 20 more I was 29, well may be ten or fifteen more years basically and having to deal with that, so yes. I mean fortunately for me it hasn’t turned out like that way, because I have been very lucky to go on and have more children, but yes, I mean it’s quite a scary thing at the time. Makes you feel quite different.

 

No I don’t know. I was very, very paranoid, knowing that I wanted to do surrogacy. I was a bit worried about the necrosis, ovarian necrosis… I’d come across it in my reading. And you know, when you have an emergency hysterectomy and…

 

…that its quite a tough job as I understand it and I was worried that I would end up losing one or both ovaries and going into early menopause. I was worried obviously about going into early menopause, but also worried about, because I wanted to retain my eggs for surrogacy. So I started to go once a year for testing to check that my eggs and everything’s fine, and I did that each year at a local hospital. And each year I was getting fine readings. So that reassured me. I think I would have felt quite nervous and I think, even though I’d missed a couple of years, I think I’ll probably go back, just for peace of mind to know if I start going into early menopause, although that said, probably eight years later, I’ll probably go into menopause at the time I would normally. But you know, I think you just need the extra reassurance.

 

 

She had one child about a year older than my daughter at the time. And she’s gone to have another child and stuff and I couldn’t really share that with her. You know, she had her pregnancy, she had her child. I don’t even know her birth story, for her second child. I didn’t want to hear it, and she didn’t, she didn’t try and tell it, you know. So yes, you do lose that kind of right passage of being, you know, in that moment, but you know, I tried to tell myself that women had never given birth at all. So you do, you do start looking for people worse off than you, I think that’s a natural thing and you know, I know that obviously have a healthy baby is a real blessing, but there is a saying that was quite common the PPH survivors web site which is “the joy does not diminish the pain. Nor does the pain diminish the joy.” And you know, well meaning people say, “But remember you’ve got a beautiful baby.” And that’s true and you feel joy. But it doesn’t diminish the pain that you feel, not being able to complete your family. But neither does the pain diminish the joy. You can still celebrate and enjoy your child whilst living with the pain of knowing that you can’t go on to have the rest of the family that you wanted.

 

[Laughs]. Well. I arrived home and literally within two weeks, I’d decided surrogacy the answer. I’m not having it, you know, I always wanted more than one child. Oh look at this, you know, there’s this thing called surrogacy. And there is this amazing thing called gestational surrogacy. Because even though I’d had a hysterectomy I still retained my ovaries. And they were very clear about that. So I’m like okay well I’ve got my own eggs and I can use my partner’s sperm and create our own embryos. We just need somebody to carry them. And voila there’s the baby.

 

But of course it’s not quite that simple. And it took us the best part of seven years to actually find a route to success and we’re really lucky now, our twin daughters were delivered last year for us, so…

 

 

I met two women who had gone on to have surrogate babies in America. One had done all the leg work, the other had followed her path, and I followed both their paths with the same fertility doctor, the same surrogacy agency.

 

 

You wouldn’t know where to start otherwise. And I’m good friends with these women now and I’ve followed, you know, they recommended and so I followed, and we went out to America to meet our suggested surrogate, who we got on really well with. And we went back to America for IVF treatment. So I was doing IVF here in the UK, but I went to the States for the egg retrieval and the fertilization to create the embryos. And the transfer.

 

And then we’d planned to go back a month before the birth, but the babies were delivered at 29 weeks. So we missed their arrival and we spent six weeks in the neonatal Intensive Care Unit in America. But actually they arrived two weeks before my eldest daughter’s birthday so I was actually, seven years ago today, I was in Intensive Care and here we are again in Intensive Care with the babies. 

 

But thank god, they’re healthy and well and they’ve had their first birthday and not without a lot of bumps along the way.

 

 

They were eight weeks old.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

They were 5lb when they came out of hospital, they were less than 6lbs when we flew home so…

 

 

That has, in the first year, it was a lifeline. It was just incredible. It was, I posted so often and so frequently that when I was asked to convey how I felt in those days, I actually just took all my posts that I was asked by psychologists so that they could understand it. I just literally took my post and it makes for really sobering reading. At the time it was really, really active site and they were women there who, it was only for women who had had post-partum haemorrhage followed by hysterectomy and although people have tried to join who have had really shocking haemorrhages, unless it’s resulted in a hysterectomy. It’s not the group for them. So you are in a place where people really understand all the issues and topics that come up. You know, there’s not something that isn’t discussed on there and its global and you get a lot of women asking about has anyone had uterine atony, has anyone had you know, a placenta praevia or a placenta accreta. And people can come out and you can find that one person. You know, well that was it. I didn’t actually find anyone who’d spent nearly ten hours in second stage. But there’s always one and that will be me. So… [laughs] it was an amazing place where people really can share how you feel and actually statistically the majority of people on there have one child, and obviously that’s my situation, so you’re able to really talk about the, the sadness about not being able to complete the families. 

 

But even within a community like that there’s you know, differences. You do get women with four kids crying about not being able to have any more children. But again you have to be respectful. You know these are women who you know, in one case, there’s a woman, a very religious woman who’s planning on having ten children. You know, it’s a very, it’s an emotionally upsetting and wrenching for her as it is for somebody who wanted to have two. But could only have one. So yes, sort of, and of course there was the very, very tragic case which is always going to crop up where the baby is lost to, so that kind of shuts a few people up for a while, because you know, it’s a very amazing thing to come out with your baby, alive and well. So…

 

 

But all of those topics kind of come up, so, it was very important for me actually.